Thursday, April 26, 2012

HOTTEST Friends of Chindiana Awards 2012

Hottest Kaki Mamak - Da Pris - One of the very few AirAngels that don't run off screaming into the night at the sight of my constipated face boarding a flight. Have known this Klang babe for a while now and always willing to to follow me to at any dodgy mamak from Klang to Jalan Pudu! 

Hottest Comic Book Geek - Acid Milk - one of the most cynical bloggers around. This geek wet dream comes with an impresive online comic book collection (illegally downloaded), the body of Wonder Woman (legally achieved with a gym membership) and some a talent for singing. Sadly she blogs no more but has now taken to sunning herself on the beaches off Kuching in little string bikinis. Thats it you geeks, put away your lightsabers and its time to get a tan!

Hottest Guardian Angel - Kat Ng - the corporate world is dog eat dog and literally this woman has helped me out countless times, fighting for me and my team while sharing our beliefs for the greater good. A trained financial analyst, Malaysian Ms Universe finalist and now a globe trotting evangelist for regional South East Asian integration and cooperation. I think she does have an invisible plane too.

Hottest Zen Master - Lady Serena - aaaah Sabah - the Land Below the Wind, Daphne Iking and that mountain. Now happily married and starting a new life in Blighty. Just a day older than me, she's another testament that age is nothing but a number. Always a great balm to my grumpy soul with those soft gentle words of wisdom, we shared many a teh tarik at Amcorp Mall. What a combo eh on a Sunday? Toy flea market, cheap books on sale and tea with a babe. Life dont come better than this!

Hottest Sales Director - Farrah J - My old Banana Leaf Sunday kaki. Gets to market high end hotels to corporate giants. From the mountains to islands she's there getting those suits to exchange their lives for some chill out time in fresh air and soft sandy beaches. Farraaaah! Where la now to cari banana leaf in Johor?

Hottest Socialite - The Princess - treks with me to one of the highest mountains on earth with no complains but whines to no end just to get someone to pump air into her car tyres. Can stand extended burning by hot stoves but squeels at anything Hello Kitty. Lives for fashion but drives a 4WD. Yeah, I'm confused too!

Hottest Friend in the US Army - Ann Wong - Just recently engaged in the US of A i think we've lost this ex model/outdoor sporty enthusiast to the might of the Land of the Free. Still msn chats with a Malaysian accent, so Malaysia Still Boleh?

Hottest Social Worker/Volunteer - Christy Singyuin - that body is sponsored by teaching kids,washing pigs and shovelling shit on farms in Laos, South Africa and soon Sarawak (we hope!) This crazy woman has dedicated her life to making a difference and makes a living as a photographer and event organiser while taking time out to work with the lesser priviledged around the region. See? you can find satisfaction saving the world (and look HAWT doing it)

Hottest Young Entrepreneur - The Vero Next Door - This girl makes me feel like a moss covered rock. When she was 26 she already ran 3 successful companies with investments in properties. Now she's going global. AND she can drink more than me! Thanks V, you just made an old man feel redundant.

HOTTEST GIRL FRIEND - Bella Butternuts! Yep, she was previously the Winner of the Hottest School Teacher award. In the running for Hottest Saint at the rate she's putting up with my shit.


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Coming Soon!


The French Got Me Surrounded...

.... here in the breakfast cafe of the Mercure in Hanoi. I can only take so much air kisses....

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

On A Roof In Hanoi

The Rooftop, on the 19th floor of Pacific Place building in Hanoi, Vietnam

19 floors up and I'm typing this on my blackberry. Now here with me on this rooftop 19 floors high above the glowing gold lit streets of incandescent light. This is the chic new Hanoi, Mick Hucknall sings something over the speakersn the winds are strong up here and I've the the prime corner high table. The city of Hanoi glows in fluorescense and neons. Below me horns blare and hoot the annoying beeps of the motor bikes going toe to toe with the longer sustained impatience of the drivers of cars. Somewhere below the locals squat low at the pho' stalls, massages are administered, some with happy endings. Tired workers head home on bikes and buses. You are still here with me. Its only 830pm local time. My Tiger beer is getting warm. But the fresh Vietnamese springs rolls are refreshing. The quiet voices of the mainly couples out here on the wooden balcony contrast sharply to the louder conversations inside the loungy restaurant inside. Wait.. Beer getting warmer. Langkau would not approve.
It's funny how one starts dreaming whenever one see's a glowing golden road that disappears into the horizon. What?  you mean its only me? dammit...
Hanoi the administrative capital of Vietnam. Half the population of Saigon/Ho Chi Minh's 8 million. More political power but less commercial vibrancy. I'm not making sense. Fuck I can't even see what I'm typing. The small 'i ' looks like an ant's penis. Ooo some group aplauding something. Hmm maybe I'll see if I can score a free beer. Excuse folks...

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Ambushed by Age

...... when hair keeps growing out of every crevice of your body no matter how often you try to trim those little fukers.

2. When you start reading the daily newspapers like your grandfather. (and you know its going to get worse)

3. Trying to replicate a coupla chapters from the Kama Sutra means at least 2 days medical leave.

4. You need words repeated to you because yes, your hearing is fucking following your eye sight on what looks like gradually longer holidays

5. You now have the alcohol drinking prowess of a 2 week old kitten (i had put 12 year old girl but realised it wouldn't be PC)

6. Questions like "will i outlive my savings?' haunt you like a Freddie Kruger wet dream

7. You start forgetting where you parked your car in malls (and you're not even a woman)

8. Related to the above, the memory in general is like a rusty sieve. You can remember your first baby steps but can't remember next week's meetings.

9. You're watching 'erotica' instead of 'porn'

10. IPhone, IPads, IGadgets mean as much to you as a study of dung beetles in Latin.

At least I still have my morning boners...

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Kili In The Score

Just thought I'd share with you guys the short Kilimanjaro article I did for The Score Men's magazine that was distributed in Malaysia and Singapore in February. You guys can click to enlarge the articles to read them. I'm still hoping to do a longer version that will allow more of my brilliant drunken word play...

Surreal - Tupac at Coachella 2012

A hologram brings 'Pac back from the dead. What does this hold for the future? Dream concert - 'Pac, Jim Morrison, Hendrix with special appearance by Elvis?

Someday someone's going to tie this all back to "Jar Jar started this"...

Thursday, April 12, 2012

You Are Here With Me... Batur Volcano

It's cold. VERY fucking cold. You're chuckling at me as I had totally miscalculated about the wind chill factor above the Batur volcano in the Kintamani district of the island of Bali. You're calling me a moron, saying that i look like a bedouin nomad with the hotel towel wrapped around me which i had before tied around my head to keep the cold away(what makes do when one underpacks )

Before us a magnificient sunrise births a panoramic wonderscape. The golden rays of the sun are now bouncing off the mists from the lake. The crowd around us are all in quiet murmurs. We're holding our packed breakfasts in our hands. a plastic cup with hot black Balinese coffee and a toasted banana sandwich and a full boiled egg are our comfort as we each munch quietly, each person on the volcano caught up in their own thoughts.

The same wind that is freezing my balls is the very same wind that is spreading the mists across the ancient crater. This world, this crazy beautiful magnificent world, that we walk on, breath in and steal, shoplift, save lives, forget to pay taxes (umm... yea you) just reaches out to us, you and I, sitting here on a barren volcano, it reaches us with a blanket of golden rays, streaming across the world, oceans, through jagged mountain tops and settling right in front of us, on temporary clouds of mist.

Hot coffee in a cheap plastic cup hasnt tasted this good in a long time.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My Fav Banksy Work...

Maybe its the whimsical cape, maybe its the fun that two mortal enemies can share, maybe its my yearning for simpler times...

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Well Hello THere....

I just found out that 'Dangh Nap' or something like that means 'Sign in' in Vietnamese. I'm sitting in the airport in Uncle Ho's City South of Hanoi. This is my fourth country in the last 9 days. My balls are sitting snug on Malaysia time while the rest of my body is shitting out a tango to Bangkok/Indonesia/Vietnamese time zones.

I've had a shit month. White hairs are growing on my testicles to complement the collection on my head. I've trying to get out of Dodge but the bosses keep telling me to hang on that extra week, month, year.

I'm on a knife's edge, a badass muthafucka waiting to bust a cap in some retard fuck's ass. I need a break, a beach, a beer on a beach while on a break. Or else.... someone gonna get hurt reeaaaal bad.

I've travelled and travelled and flown and i've ate and shat across continents. Talk about international digestion. England, Dubai, London, Liverpool, Manila, Clark, Jakarta, Bangkok, Ho Chi Minh City, Singapore all in the past month. Done it all, bought those t-shirts but not having the legs of a flight attendant. (i have to say those new compression tops on those AirAsia girls are nice.)

My thoughts have not been my own. My brain has been filled by the convulated wordplay of legal documents, budgetary spreadsheets, angry phone calls, menopausing phone calls, angry menopausing sms', bbms' and whatsapppssssss. FUck me now stress attacks on multiple platforms! Not bad you versatile fuck...

mother fuck autosave failed ....mothe

CONTINUED April 6th 2012

OK so i'm back in KL and the worlds slightly better. Back on home turf with the team. Some semblance of normality pervails. That and the hangover from last night. Beers are the balm for the soul no?

One needs to live the life of a freedom loving hippie sprite instead of of a constipated Grinch. In the meantime I'm heading out for a foot massage, coffee in borders and possibly even head for a Thai massage session in the evening. Tapping into one's inner woman may have it's plus sides. I just need to understand this handbag shopping thing...