Saturday, April 30, 2011

Top 10 Stupid Things I have committed

I started this list on this blog about 3 or 4 years ago. Thought I would try to add on to it to make it a Top 10 instead of the original Top 5.

Original post begins below followed by updates from point 6-10.

This is going to be a first in my Top 5 Lists as a dedication to High Fidelity. This list does not include all the stupid things i've done to injure myself in sports because then it would be the Top 100 List. Here goes:

1. Taking out my contact lense AFTER eating curry flavoured Twisties WITHOUT WASHING MY HANDS.

2. Went with a date to a friend's wedding and THEN going on to pick up a girl i had just started dating (she had made prior plans and i didn't want to go to the wedding alone and very intelligently forgot to tell her i had gone with another woman).

3. Trying to pry open the fake nut on the my plastic hub cap cover when changing a flat tire (the actual nut was under the cover) AND THEN wondering for 5 seconds how did I get so strong when the plastic nut broke off.

4. Leaving the windows in my old rented room open when i went away for a week as i didn't like the musty smell. My room ended up the local Fight Club for the local alley cats - piss, blood and shit all over the place. At least it didn't smell musty.....

5. Trying to attract the attention of a girl by suddenly leaping up in my crowded school canteen and shouting "Fuck Off! Don't touch my curry mee!" (Hey, I was 15...And yes I scared the living shite out of her and thus utter shame and embarrassment ended my fascination with the female species for a good 7 years.)

6. Driving home after by birthday celebrations AFTER sampling 3 wines, at least 5 whiskies, about a barrel of beers, 2 shots of absinthe and a Flaming Lambo. It did not end well.

7. Walking over to the first hottest woman in that bar (after a life of having never attracted even a civil "good morning' from an office colleague) who smiled at me and buying her a drink. Hence forth I have learnt to tell the difference between a transvestite and a real woman.

8. Playing futsal again AFTER twisting my back badly (thus reactivating an old lower back injury) the day before. Note to self - the adrenaline will get you home but will take 20 minutes to just sit up in bed. That half hour drive to the doctor will seem like an eternity and yes, you CAN sweat from pain in an air conditioned car.

9. Jumping out of a raft that had floated out into the open ocean at age 8 or 9, when not knowing how to swim AND forgetting that the ocean gets deeper the further you go in. Note to all - the embarrasment of having an excitable uncle giving you mouth to mouth on a public beach is quite mentally scarring.

10. Drinking local moonshine on a month long hike in the Himalayas while eating at least 9 eggs a day. The pain at 18,000 feet can be interesting and there is such as thing as protein overdose and what will come out of your ass can only be described as a bastard love child of melted baby chicks and The Son of Blob.

Trust me a top 20 is easy enough.

Monday, April 25, 2011

What is This Lady Gaga?

Is it edible?

What is it's purpose in life?

Why does it dress up as an egg?

Is it only infectious to those who are tone deaf?

Is it a transvestite?

Why is it still around?

Doesn't it turn to dust or diamonds under the bright sun light?

Can it go away?


Is this me chanelling my inner geriatric Grinch?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Tanjung Sepat, Selangor

Tanjung Sepat is one of those old rustic villages along Malaysia's trunk roads. Bored, last Sunday I took a drive out to find it. Well not really find it, I sort of knew where it was having passed it years ago when i was on the coastal road from Banting to Bagan Lalang in Sepang. It's just simply a great way to spend a slow Sunday afternoon/evening.

Tg Sepat is essentially a Chinese fishing village - things here are miles away from KL life. A Chinese dude mans the petrol pumps, stray dogs with overused teats stare at you from the side of the roads, old uncles sit under large trees staring out to sea or watching the tv set that someone kindly set up there. I did not have time to wander the whole stretch of the town and will prob take a drive there soon just to explore again. Any volunteers who want to ride shotgun?

There are a few jetties leading out to the ocean, some Chinese temples which look cool and little shops selling sea based preserved produce and snacks - keropok, fish paste, etc. Along the way you'll probably be approached by some elderly ladies selling home made 'pau'.

It's a quaint little place and the wind is cool (probably because of the season). The view of the ocean is lovely as the slender little jetty seems to stretch out to the straits of Malacca, morphing from a solid concrete band to a rickety wooden structure the futher you walk into the ocean. (I will get more pictures of this)

You have to top off the trip with dinner and cold beers at one of the restaurants there. We hit the Ocen Restaurant (nope, no typo there) and the food is great. I actually took the staff there yesterday just to eat some more and so far I can vouch for the deep fried siakap fish, kai lan with salted fish (damn fresh vegs), mantis prawns with salted egg yolk, curry squid, tofu soup, and the 'ochian' with egg of a hot plate. And they have Heineken! Served old skool style with ice in small glasses if you so please.

You'll see a whole bunch of fishermen on the jetty when you get there and it does get busy. Tg Sepat is getting a bit of fame from the promotions from the Selangor state government and you'll now see shutterbugs with their DSLRs pointing at every fisherman, old building, pier and muddy beach.

You dont swim in the waters - its too muddy and its its full of gunk anyway as evidenced by the rubbish on the beach but its great little place to just chill out.

Bella who was co-driver soaking her digits in the Straits of Malacca

With a stomach full of good food and ice cold beers we turn to head back to PJ. A clear full moon lights up the dying embers of dusk as fishermen and young families head home for thei night. One of those perfect little moments.

Getting There : I think its about 80 odd km from PJ. You can reach it either from the KESAS highway (turn off at Banting and look for signs that take you to Morib, Sepang Gold Coast and Bagan Lalang). Tanjung Sepat is in between the towns of Bagan Lalang and Morib.

You can also reach it from KLIA - head towards Nilai town, when you see the F1 circuit on your right, turn right at the next traffic light (also look for signs that say Sepang Gold Coast or Bagan Lalang. Tg Sepat is about 15 to 20 minutes from Bagan Lalang.

It takes an average 90 minutes from either way if you leave from Petaling Jaya. The road may seem endless but if you love the rustic countryside than you'll be all good. The Sepang route will take you through endless palm oil estates and coconut tree fields and even smaller towns like Sungei Pelek etc. After dinner keep some Tupac or Rob Zombie to keep you awake as night driving in these small towns is a challenge - bad or no lighting on narrow roads will need you to be alert.

A map is HERE .

Monday, April 18, 2011

"Check Your Crap Occacionally When One Reaches 40....

.... Check if your doo doos are bloody." the doctor said. "you're no longer invulnerable my boy. And 40 is when all your nonsense in life catches up to you" he added.

I hate this feeling. It disturbs me that I can't jump tall buildings in a single bound, run faster than a locomotive and have sex 6 times a day, but in a way there's a weird sense of calm that sinks in where you have to accept that a body does start to slow down as age catches up with a vengence.

The results are back. My cholesterol has dropped from 6.5 to 4.9 (not bad eh for 4 months of semi watching my diet and mainly to me stepping off the anal peddle at work). More importantly my liver has recovered! It seems the old filter has somewhat Wolverine like abilities to regenerate once you give it a break (hear that Langkau?). The doctor sounded slightly amazed at the results as the slight disbelief leaked over the phone line as he delivered the results from my blood test.

I guess there is hope. We do grow old. Its how we do it I guess. In moderation but never with regret. Do i have any regrets? Not really. I've learnt to live with my mistakes only because I have fuked up so much in my life and something always comes along eventually to put things in perspective so that i get another chance to fuck up on a whole new dimension next time. A never ending cycle of moronic discovery...

So I am slower on the football pitch, I recover EVEN SLOWER from injuries, my alcohol tolerance is no where close to the 12 pints of Guinness I could drink with aplomb in my youth, BUT its good to see that I find that I DONT need to rush on the field, I've discovered yoga (why get hurt with sweaty men when you can chill and stretch with lean, toned women who smell lovely), and finally realize that its a lot safer to drive home when you're sober and not a drooling retard. At this stage its appreciating what I have and working on making that better. Yes, i am a slow learner BUT I may not need be able to be Superman anymore but at least my liver is sorta Wolverine like. Its OK to be Peter Parker without Spiderman. At least I'm told I take decent photographs.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Creativity Needed!

OK the plans are afoot! This year i plan to move ahead with some fun projects on the side. I will need partners (and I will be contacting some of youse to see if you're keen to come on board - some of you already have indicated some interests).

None of these plans will involved compious amount of drugs (you're safe), sex (sorry guys and some girls) or over indulgent bouts of wanton alcoholism (sorry Langkau).

It does however include the web, creative/travel writing, creative architecture, some development programs for kids and even possibly the creation of a super hero or two.

I plan to park these projects under one company and need a a name for this little place in the universe which I hope will be able to the incubator and executor of some fun little projects that me and friends can get behind and possibly make some money for ever increasing prices of beer.

Any suggestions folks? I can't use Mum's Kitchen or Idea Expeller (i wont name names but that's why you're in freight forwarding la kotek).

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Politicians the greatest champions of race and religion

In my youth and even now I go out with friends who are Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Christians, Catholics and Jedi. We call each other Melayu Gila, Kaki Toddy, Babi Cina and um... Geek. We call each other what would seem racially explosive names while we mamak on teh tarik and canai, cursing football clubs, drooling at women and more cursing at our self appointed warriors of virtue and champions of the People - our local politicians. No matter what we say we are friends first and alway will be and the name calling comes from years of camaraderie built on a history of drunken escapades, stealing rambutans, breaking into girls boarding schools, breaking up each other's fights and standing our ground together on the football field in Kirby Estate with a hostile crowd spitting at us.

I am sorry the only People's Champion I recognise is The Rock. I dont need narrowminded ignorant posturing that is setting us on an expressway back to the dark ages in the name of THE PEOPLE or the country.

You smell what THE PEOPLE are REALLY cooking Ibrahim Ali?

I vote that that in future the only people to qualify for public office are fairy tale characters. At least they have something to teach us than these clowns we have.

Snow White for President?

Friday, April 8, 2011

How DO i become a famous blogger?

Motherfuck - there are angrier, smarter, wittier and prettier bloggers out there. Some with larger boobs too. hairless some more. How do i translate my obvious wit and eccentric charm to seek the continued readership of a million sheep who will read my self indulgent blog?

I need an out from the corporate world. maybe in two years as i still have some things i need to accoplish before i One Finger Salute Corporate Industry for a life of paid writing where one can live life scratching one's nether regions at 10 in the morn with nary a care for the world.

i would need to specialize of course. A ranting random blog does not feed a concentrated and specialized need in this fast food world. Blog would either have to be :

1. About booze - DONE already - damn you Thirsty Blogger

2. About Food - i hate eating as its a pain. would love to just live on cold beer and crisps and the occasional banana leaf lunch. And J's blog is soooo extensive its scary!

3. About sex - am not a thorough sex hound like that Gutter dude. Nor do i have a daily thirst for tits and ass. I like midgets remember -_-

4. About dating - fuck that - my dates all involve cold beer, mutton curry and drunken bouts of pool in a smoky bar.

5. About fashion - would last 3 blog posts - Factory Outlet Shopping, Scamming Free Nike from LCB and the Malaysian office, Reject Shop shopping. Maybe another how to recycle the 'shirts' that my mum and aunties buy for me for festive seasons.

6. About sports - would not last - do not care for the romance of sports since I know the back end of it all. About playing sports the blog would last 2 posts - The Challenge Begins : Sports and the Glory of a Morning Run!, Blog post #2 - Rehab: Never Run Without A Warm Up.

7. Travel and adventure - do not have enough content for true holiday locations - blog would be probably cover best taxis, best budget hotels and cheapest bar in a holiday district. Possibly which airline has cutest stewardesses.

dammit i want to write for a living! get free invites to cheat on blog hits and live from home, waking up at odd hours and releasing a book based on bull shit content just because i recorded 50,000 hits a day.

But sadly, this will not happen. So with 15 regular readers a day I now have no choice but to kill any blogger who has more hits than me. That's right Kenny Sia, you used to be fat fuker, I'm coming for your ex fat ass now.....

* Friendly famous bloggers like J and Kim are of course safe as I AM prejudiced and am strictly full of shit sometimes...

Siiiighhhh.... the things one gets from eating too much mi soto for breakfast.....

Btw, Jakarta says Good Morning folks.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Save the Cop Campaign on Twitter and FB

I'm in indonesia and my friends told me about the online campaign to save the job of young paramilitary cop Norman Kamaru above who was boogeying to a Hindi song from a Shah Rukh Khan movie. His superiors are not too happy as the young lad was fooling around on duty and while in uniform. But if YouTube exposed his happy go lucky tom foolery it looks like a Twitter and Facebook campaign saved his skin. Almost 50,000 folks signed on on FB page to support Norman and the YouTube clip was watched over 6 million times by more than 740,000 unique visitors.

Norman's superiors decided to let him off with a strict sentence of getting him to publicly perform in front of about 200 police officers. This world is a-changing eh folks where a virtual community can save a career of a young police officer across oceans and lands withouth uttering a single audible word. Just a tap of a keyboard is good enough.

The clip is a little long if you dont enjoy Hindi songs (whats wrong with you?) but good for a chuckle and who doesn't love a good old Hindi song eh?

Go HERE here for an Indonesian news article.

Go HERE for the FB page

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I DONT Look Like This.......

The things you people compare me to..... -_-

Friday, April 1, 2011

They are late...

... and i am sitting in the cafe and i am hungry and i 've had two black coffees and i am restless and i need another massage and a steam bath and a sauna and i badly need to sweat and am not sure if the dumplings i bought from that old lady last night was dog meat or not as i could not finish it and the insides looked weird and that cute girl at the tour counter has cute dimples and the longest whitest legs ever she needs sun but still cute dimples and i really am hungry and hve that craving for the kuew teow at FAM Kelana Jaya the one with the old aunty with the scar on the right side of her face which I am told she cut in a bar fight with Wolverine when she called him a faggot for drinking a Stella instead of Guinness Stout but sometimes we just need to be open to the worlds inadequecies did i spell inadequet correctly fuck if i am care they are late and i've got a 3pm meet in another cafe which means another coffee but damn those girls on the little bikes are cute and i love it the way those short skirts sorta ride up the..... sorry Girlfriend...... when the bike ride so smoothly along the roads in this lovely capital and fuck they didnt hve the decency to at least let me know they're late bet they went to the wrong hotel but fuck i've emails and sms to prove i gave them the correct directions maybe they need something that i cant think of now i really wanted to say something smart but the club next door only stopped my walls from reverberating at about 4am this morning maybe i will go in there tonight and see what the fuss is all about but last night when i passed by the tough looking guys outside made me think twice bad marketing motherfuckers men in black jackets sell nothing except cheap motorbikes to morons who Supermen their way to stolen handbags fuck it i need food.

UPDATED 1.36pm (Vietnam time), 1st April 2010

They were on time and my watch was on Malaysian time. Motherfrodo.....