UPDATED : 6.40pm, 30th March 2011. - See point 10.
..."write how kind I am, how good i am with kids and how kind and loving I am to all humankind."
"you hear that? listen." , I said.
"yes, its my balls. They are laughing fuker."
"HAHAHAHAHA" comes back the evil msn message on my lap top screen.
Its hilarious, the FON attempting to get back into society by seeking human compassion after years of mind fucking innocents into committing acts of insanity. THAT is why my balls were breaking out in fits of testicular giggling.
This post is about some of the type of friends i keep. Freaks. And what better reason than the most disturbed individual of all, The FON short for The Force of Nature. Yes, we forgot to add evil. make that Evil Mother Lover FOrce Of Nature.
The FON acts as truly a force of nature not knowing right from wrong, acting on a collective will of all evil thoughts in this world. We wont speak of his past when he came down from Penang where every man stores his money in his mattress and a romantic date is a trip out to that nasi kandar place along Burma Road. A young idealistic innocent who somehow along the way warped into an evil laughing menace to society.
This post also serves as a warning to you all who might chance across the FON in your daily lives in this city by giving you a list of incidences involving the FON that highlights why if you see him coming down the street, you run in the opposite direction like a mad motherfrodo in heat.
It also shows that i am a sucker for pain as he's also my friend.
Let me begin:
WHY THE FON IS EVIL AND THE ULTIMATE CORRUPTER OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD AND ACT BEYOND THE REASON OF HUMAN BEINGS.
The attempts of the FON to set me up with women when i just got to know him (early days, no warning of what was to come)
1. Introducing me to a hot colleague in a bar. "follow me" he says. With beers in hand we walk up to this attractive Chinese girl at the bar. He taps her on the back. She turns, smiles and greets him.
"UUGGGGH!" he grunts and motions her to me.
"UUGGGH!" he grunts and motions me to her.
and. walks. away.
We stand there hot girl and me, in a crowded bar, staring bewildered at each other.
2. The FON has a blind date. He meets up with me, Loony and Loony Jr at a dodgy bar with some GROs and a very cute half German Half Chinese girl who was part timing there while she studied. The FON soon after goes for his date.
BUT he turns up within 30 minutes WITH HIS BLIND DATE at this dodgy bar filled with skimpily dressed women! We can see that he REALLY is trying to impres his date. THe fallout from this is:
- the FON ends up dating the cute waitress for a few weeks. After week 3 she shaves her head bald, packs her bags and leaves for Phuket to build homes with her bare hands to help those affected by the Phuket tsunami
- He dates the blind date girl for about 6 months. It doesn't last long but they remain friends. She even introduces him and me to her future husband and constantly tries to find hi girlfriends. I think its sweet. BUT have no idea why the future husband which i met only once keeps calling me for tea. He always says he's in the neighborhood. I am not home much so i keep declining. One day he catches me on at the right time. I am near he says wanna go for coffee? OK gimme ten minutes thinking he's a way off. He turns up at my place in 2 minutes flat! Over coffee, he seems mellow making things uncomfortable. I am trying to excuse myself but it seems he has something to say. Suddenly he looks at me "do you know Chindy, i was supposed to get married today."
"yes she broke it off last month"
I text the FON - "wtf did you do??? i am sitting with this stalker clown whom i met once and he's telling me shit! what did you do to that women's head?"
the reply text only reads "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! farneeeeeee!"
3. We go to an event launch together. I am chatting up a cute girl. I buy her drinks. we're laughing, flirting and all the rights signs are in the air. The FON walks up nonchalantly, looks at the girl "hey I am the editor of FHM, would you like to be on my cover?"
I lose her attention of course. He chats with her while i walk off pissed. exactly 3 minutes later he comes back and says "lets blow this place, it sucks. AND you're too good for her Chindy baby."
4. another set up date - The FON sets me up with i find out later with a woman who fancies him. She brings along a date for him and two other girls. Morning Papers comes along for the ride. FON sees that the date for him is not his type and switches off leaving Morning and me having to make uncomfortable conversations wit 4 women we do not know. The FON's only contribution in the entire two hours, while he concentrates hard on the TV screen behind us is "Fuck man Heiki should be faster this round". At least Morning Papers got an offer to go to Genting with one of the girls who also bought him a nice shirt.
5. Another one of FON's exes just recently became a lesbian.
6. He set me up with a woman whose sole thing in common with me was "she likes Guinness". That is after 8 pints of Guinness. EACH.
7. Sets me on on a blind date without telling me and then tells everyone else at the table to not speak to me and the date - his version of giving us alone time -_-
8. Gives 2 bricks to a colleague as a Christmas present all beautifully wrapped up. The poor unknowing girl carries the heavy load back to Sri Kembangan, taking two buses from PJ. Of course there is hell to pay on Christmas day when she unwraps it in front of her family. To make matter worse, by some Chinese tradition her Mum doesn't allow her to throw it away as its a gift from someone! talk about hating life and the FON.
9. Setting up phony accounts of hot women and flirting and luring a poor unsuspecting colleague to a Muslim house on Chinese New Year day (carrying mandarin oranges) looking for a hot Chinese girl called Chloe.
10. The FON books supposedly the 'presidential suite' at Laban Rata on Kinabalu Mountain. He backs out the last minute with some vague excuse leaving me to scale the granite giant alone with a guide. I am puzzled why my guide is fearful to take up my offer to take FON's bed and I take the room alone. I assume he thinks I am gay and will ravage him at night. I had problems showering and taking a shit in that huge concrete toilet as its seems colder than the air outside. Just last year as some of you know i find out that that room is the de facto morgue of the mountain where the bodies of unfortunate climbers are stored before they are taken down the mountain. Yes, i spend a night in a morgue in a room that the FON booked and backed out of. Motherfrodo...
So there you go. Fair warning. The FON lives and as time passes more flock to his side. We are those who stand in his way to create an evil empire that will turn straight women gay, care free women into nuns and monks (bald) and send pure hearts searching for lost causes.
You have been warned.