Saturday, February 26, 2011

Uhh.... i have a girlfriend, what do I do with it?

After 6 years as a lone wolf, a rogue Numenorean Ranger wandering the Plains of Life solo, I find myself with a girl friend.

It has been so long where i have a co-pilot, a Robin to my Batman, a Chewie to my Solo, a Jim Niendhart to my Bret Hart (wrestling reference. Jutin Bieber fans move along). What do I do?

Do I have to water her 3 times a day?

Put her out in the sunlight in the mornings?

Send her to BMW for tuneups every 10,000 km?

I am pretty sure I have to put her in line for that Bikini Bod Babe List when I head to the islands...

Thursday, February 24, 2011

What gets me constipated

1. Sitting at Starbucks surrounded by constipated looking drones tapping away on their laptops. (its facebook, why look like you're reading a Wikileaks document?)

2. Being stuck behind the majority of passengers of a Low Cost Carrier airline - meaning a herd of chatterring, blabbing, illeterate love spawn of orcs and red neck Teletubbies.

3. Trying to explain an addendum for a legal document on BBM while stuck in a traffic jam along the highway, in heavy rain, on a friday evening. (i've long found out that folks who dont aswer phone calls and prefer to chat via BBMs and SMSs keep these as evidence of discussions. mother lovers....)

4. Shopping with women for hiking gear ( boots do not need to match your jacket in the jungle!!!!!!)

5. Fending off "when are you going to get married" questions from drunk uncles at family weddings.

6. Pushy telesales marketeers especially dudes called Robert Jenkins from London who sounds like Premalakh Kale from Mumbai - "Yend todais woffer yiis wOnly valid till 5pm todai. Aye strOOngly saggest you kanferm its now sir"

7. Pyramid scheme direct selling mother lovers. 'Nuff said.

8. Women who refuse to go out with me by saying I'm too nice

9. Women who refuse to go out with me because they say I'm too grumpy when......

10. ..... gay men think I'm cute

Monday, February 21, 2011

A Manila Weekend

Dinner at the Cantina Mexican restaurant opposite Anteneo University. The closest to an American Uni expereince I've ever had. Packed to the brim with the brightest YOUNG folk, strumming on guitars, singing, cam whore-ing and San Mig Lights. Malaysian Universities in comparison are something like an elephant graveyard. Or some house that smells of old people (damn, should I tempt fate, I'm a few decades away from a life of adult diapers and using viagra just to hold my pants up).

If you're ever there order up the Tower. Pork Ribs, nachos, tortillas and everthing Mexican except for Salma Hayek Gyrating on your lap with nothing on her but a white python around her bobos. It feeds up to 8 hungry manly men which it did. My TV and marketing crew, Gus and myself were too full and satisfied to even oggle the young nubiles on parade. Yes the food was that fulfilling.

The Philippines is as close to small town Americana as possible with the lasting impressions of the US Navy and Air Force bases long abandoned in Clark and Subic. Signages, fast food outlets, names of business could be tired carbon copies of rural life in the US of A.

The education system is one of the best I've see but then with more bright sparks graduating than professional jobs available it's sad when you walk into bars across the region and see Filipino graduates serving you beers and being paid to chat you up to buy more drinks. (they are of course not as mercenary as the China Dolls or Fanny and Apple from Puchong and Nipple and Vagina from Hong Kong).

Philipines has not hit exploiting the tourism potential yet - the volcanoes, the beaches and islands are yet to open the eyes of the world to this untapped destination. I so far have offers to climb Pinatubo, visit Palawan island and of course if some women with hot bikini bods wish to ravage me like wild lionesses in heat are up for it, i also have an offer to hit the seaside paradise of Boracay (please email chindianatrails@gmail.com for further information. Those of you with boy friends larger and hairier than me need not apply).

Getting out of Clark Airport (yes I flew AirAsia) I still dont get it why that guy who mans the security scanner into the departure hall keeps hinting for me to give him my small change. Almost the entire group ignore him. We've been getting his shtick for the past year already but obviously it must work on some travellers or else he woulda given up a long time ago. Thats another thing about the Philippines, they've got to be able to reign in some dodgy elements who might put off foreign investments and long term tourism if they can catch up with the rest of the region.

Another new place for holiday destinations. So many places to see. So little time..

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Talking Thai

I've had problems understanding Thais speak English. A coupla days ago in Bangkok I had to lovely opportunity to be involved with two Thai gents in interesting 'conversations' almost within an hour of each other.

I hail a cab to go to the airport. There is a teddy bear at the back seat. I smile as get in and ask "yours?'

The cabbie looks back and urgently informs me to "Poin baside!"

"whaa....???"

"Poin baside, poin baside!"

"umm.... where?" I gesture to the space behind my seat with the standard issue tissue box.

"POINBASIDE!"

"you mean put in back side???" common sense flies out the window in the face of obvious personal juvenile interpretation and i come to the conclusion that the teddy was a bit too big to fit in my ass.

fuk man.....

i close the door, lean back, mutter to myself "wtf....." and order him in my best Imperial Officer baritone to take me to Suvarnabhumi airport.

After checking in, I get past immigration and make my way to the security scanners.

Laptop out, belt off, I make my way to the scanners.

The security officer looks at me, "kapinbwaasel." (or something like that)

"wha.... sorry?"

"Kapinbwaaseel?"

"fuk............. aaah............. "

"Kapin bwaaseel?????" and tugs at his shirt.

wathefukdoeshewantmetotakemyshirtoff???????

"Bwaaseeel????" and points at my chest.

'OOOOHHHHHHHH.... Brazil number one!" i actually smile (yes I SMILED - babies laughed, the Martians postponed invading Paris and unicorns run across rainbows all over the world), i reach out and actually pat him on the back before going past him. Glad he like my Brazilian football jersey.

Languages are sometimes like a box of chocolates eh? you just dont know what you gonna get yourself into. Sports is universal language and in most cases an easy bond between men around the world. Teddy bears however can be a linguistic nightmare.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Some Folks Gonna Get Hurt Real Bad

I must maintain that the women folk in general are just a lot smarter and are imbued with more common sense than the Y follk. BUT somehow as the balance of nature must be maintained I have come to the conclusion that there is a rogue gene in minds of the ladies that somehow creates strange and fantastical thoughts in their minds eg, love comes in the form of a white knight who will treat them like daddy did, to survive a tropical trek in extreme conditions one MUST have color coordinated gear including boots and parkas and caps, can gloves and termal underwear, getting their lefts and rights confused and up to yesterday this gem will go into the list:

I am having drinks with 3 ladies. They are discussing a trekking trip to Bhutan which I was keen on following. A bit of the conversation below :

Lady: " Its OK, we do 3 days in Bhutan and then we do another 4 days in Nepal. It will be so cool!

Chindiana : "wait a minute, isnt 3 days in Butan too short? With travelling time you probably have only one day."

Lady B : "its OK we can go through the mountains straight away then come down in a day."

Chindiana : -_-

Lady A : "Why are you looking like that?"

Chindiana : "I dont know about you but I'm not that fit ladies"

Lady B : "Why not? You think it will be tough?"

Lady A : " Aiya, shouls be OK wan la, if you can shop for 8 hours in Midvalley this is not a problem!"

Chindiana : "wtf............ . You SERIOUS?:"

Lady A : " Ya lor! Somemore 8 hours in high heels man!"

Yes they are serious. They've never hiked before. They've never been up a mountain. Their reference point IS ACTUALLY comparing to shopping in an air cond mall. Lady C was quiet as all she wants in Bhutan is to meet the prince who is supposedly the most eligable bachelor in the world. I have excuse myself from the trip which they plan to make in May.

Lady A owns her own employment agency which has offices in Malaysia, Nepal and Thailand. Lady B is one of the most succesful sales directors in the magazine industry, Lady C runs her own consultancy but in May they're all gonna be hurtin' real bad.....

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Morning Flusterations before Ho Chi Minh

Date: Now

Place: My apartment

Situation: Preparing for flight to Vietnam

Sometimes when i have too much time before a flight, i tend to take it easy at home. Chilling, eating a leisurely breakfast, reading the papers, and sometimes blowing bubbles, just to see them float out my balcony. Trust me blowing bubbles is VERY therapeutic and no, i haven't turned gay just yet.

Sometimes after the bubble blowing escapades i forget to seal the bottle with the soapy liquid properly.

SOMETIMES the bottle tips over when i'm grabbing by passport to pack.

SOMETIMES i happen to place my foreign currency next to my wallet which is close to my bottle of bubbly fun.

NOW with half an hour to kill before my cab arrives I have a fistfull of soapy Dong in my hands.

-_-

Monday, February 7, 2011

London Manchester


London dawn from my hotel room at Picadilly

Just some random pictures from the London and Manchester trip a coupla weeks ago. Just some random points:

1. English food tastes like Marmite flavored cardboard (yes i have mentioned this many times before)

2. The Chinese food however is most excellent if you know where to go in both London and Manchester.

3. Next to the person who created hipster jeans and midriff tops I now salute the designers who created the skin tight jeans tucked into knee high CFM boots.

4. There's the same amount of fashion stores catering to men as much as to women. Seemingly English men dont shop in factory outlets like me....

5. It's funny how fast Asians can pick up and stick to an English accent - even if they just spent two weeks visiting their cousin in Burmingham and they come back sounding like James Bond.

6. Lilly Whites in London man - best sports store around ! Cheaper than Manchester too in some areas.
Old Trafford fills up before the Birmingham game. View from a VIP box

Turned out quite a good experience. After meetings in London we took the train to Manchester to catch a game. Sometimes, just sometimes things work out pleasantly. Because of some members of our travelling party were VIPs we get picked up by limos at the train station and are shuttled to the Lowry hotel, Manchester's best hotel. We are limo-ed over to Old Traffrod where we are surprised with a luncheon hosted in a corporate box over looking the stadium with the game against Birmingham. I am not a supporter of the club but I have to admit I do respect their professionalism and marketing savvy. It's a different world altogether from the way Asian companies do business.

I need these things. The world is getting smaller and these projects give me a rush. Sometimes working in Malaysia frustrates the crap out of me with the petty backstabbing and small minded psyche of some locals, some of whom hold positions of power that are abused with wanton disregard for the big picture. Who wouldnt want to say a day at the office means a meeeting in London, a press conference in Manila and a contract negotiation in Rio? What a life eh? :)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR FOLKS!


Ahoy! Great long weekend ahead! Don't drink too much, don't gamble too much, don't drive drunk too much, don't eat too much and just enjoy the kampung air, the home cooked food, your momma's shining eyes when she sees you're not in prison, take in the MUST have double combo of ice cold beer and 'chi yok kon', wear red lingerie tomorrow night (for the ladies so that the God of Prosperity takes an extra look at you), shag like the Rabbit Year that it is, give me 'ang pows' (yes i have no shame!), call old friends, see old friends and try not to send old girl friends drunken text messages when you bump into them in that old neighborhood bar you dated 20 years ago.

All you Chinese people in Seremban and around Selangor, you tell your mums that I am coming visiting and i demand, pineapple tarts, chi yoke kon, ice cold beers and a nice fat red packet! My shame exists only in the far reaches of the nether dimensions, somewhere between an Alan Moore wet dream and the Forest of Smurfs so it inconsequential to your pitiful attempts to mind fuck me from seeking gifts this festive season. Feed me! Pay Me!

Oh, and Gong Hei Fatt Choy y'all!

* thanks to Langkau for the hilarious Imperial Happy Hour pic!

New Dawn, New Day

Picture taken from my cab just a while back.

Just uploaded this picture sitting here at the Starbucks at the LCCT terminal. It's great starting a day to a spectacular explosion of a golden sunrise when you need to fly off to another country for the same old, same old. Temporary as they are, a good sunrise can put things in perspective dont they? like good sex or orang asli durian (that some say is better than sex).

Peekz said that I am better this year and that the temper seems to be in check as I have not thrown my phone at anyone for the past two months. A good start eh?

I need a payment to go through. Not so much the money but a statement that things are moving along and that my principles have some weight and positive outcome in the overall cosmic equation.

This doesn't mean I am going the way of a fuzzy Care Bear.

I still aim to call a spade a spade and any petty asshole a petty asshole motherfuker.