After extensive journalistic research I have put forward a list any innocent traveller may encounter in an airline toilet before an intrepid Flight Attendant manages to clean up the mess.
So here we go. You'll thank me later.
Dumping at 30,000 Feet.
The average Asian is quite adept at taking a shit in any condition. Sometimes based on dodgy or spicy food, working outdoors on projects, plantations, on holiday, on that beach just that little too far from the hotel after the extra spicy curry fish head dinner kicks in... and mainly Asians just don't really give a fuck about modesty as long as no other human gets a direct view of their hairy ass squatting behind a bush, abandoned shack, bus, etc. In the limited confines of a narrow airline toilet and with many passengers who are first time flyers the range of shitting techniques can get quite creative.
1. The Squatter - the universal squatter who balances his ass over the toilet bowl birdlike, holding on frantically to both walls as the plane hits turbulence, but happy that he/she has not made ass to potentially bacteria filled toilet seat contact. Leaves shoe and slipper print marks on the rim as evidence of presence.
2. The Small Town Uncle - walks out of the toilet confused and asks where is the rope to flush.
3. The Anywhere But The Right Place Folk - OK you can't really blame them, they come from some of the remotest villages either visiting relatives abroad as their children who work in KL saved enough to buy them the cheap ticket or they are from foreign workers from Laos, Vietnam or Cambodia flying first time. To many of us who have visited kampungs the toilet is a hole in the ground or over the edge or in the river. A toilet seat with the cover down looks like a chair, sooooooo the closest to a hole in the little cubicle would be.......?
4. AND if you dont have a penis to reach THAT place, it would be............. ?
5. The Superstars of Shite - Of course there are those wondrous and talented souls that their shit ejecting talents even confound the most battle hardened flight crew. Until this day no one has figured out how that shit smear appeared on the toilet wall of the Airbus A320. ( I believe this was bravely encountered by Stella?)
Other notable mentions:
Not quite a crapping award but its more like - Scare the Piss Out of The Pilots Award - folks who mistake the flight deck door as the door to the toilet. Finding it locked they suddenly start jerking and frantically hitting it in hopes that a magical genie will open up the door for them to take a dump. This obviously scares the shit out of the pilots who are probably sipping that first coffee at 30,000 ft.
Oh wait.. there WAS a shit reference in there. I am so cool.
Have a great day folks.