Dear Drivers of Small Cars,
we do not judge you by the size of your vehicle but more for your ability to control technology and basic motoring skills . We as the dominant species on earth have well advanced beyond slapping our balls with day old banana skins. It would do you well to remember this.
Specifically this address is to all drivers or Kancils, Kelisa's and any other Malaysian made little tins on wheels. It's perfectly OK, we understand that you're probably:
a) some pimply spiky haired male student from a private college in PJ who thinks he's a badass mother fuker but more likely a chicken shit little punk with more bark than any bite. Eats in mamak stalls and dreams of revving down the street in a neon lit Honda Civic. You wanna be somebody after one too many Hong Kong gangster movies. Its best you wait till you grow some hair on your balls first. And these things take time NOT just because you have access to a set of car keys.
b) an accounts clerk who is in her second month at work - a quiet mousy woman who feels that she must defend her right as a woman by obstinately not giving way to anyone in a traffic snarl, looking ahead and avoiding eye contact when you give her the evil eye. Will probably go home and kill the neighbors cat if she does not back into the house gate first.
c) a government civil servant junior executive - some punk with a cap on this head, seat pushed all the way back and his young wife and baby in tow. Dashing around the narrow roads and accelerating ahead to cut off any one seen pulling out from a junction in front of him. Does not understand that giving up a bit of space on a tar road does not affect the size of his wiener.
d) The Country Clowns - with Selangor, Perak number plates and god forbid some old uncle who drove down from Perlis - pulling out with a vengeance from junctions and suddenly jamming their cars almost to a stall, progressing sedately like a drink diva in the third lane of the highway.
e) a rempit who borrowed a friend's ride because you're on a date during the rainy season and you can't have your little girl getting wet before you take her for that delicious meal at Kedai Mamak Buka 24 Jam.
So, dear driver of a small Malaysian Car, you really don't need to feel insecure. Really. Trying to disguise your car by painting it with Mini Cooper racing stripes won't fool everyone. They will just know that you're just shit poor and have a small dick. Going for the cool matt black with over sized rims only makes your car looks like a hobbit rapper's rad ride which effectively also means you have a small dick.
So really, Small Car People, dont feel bad or insecure. We understand that some day you will grow up, earn more money, grow some testicular fortitude or even score many victories for women's liberation. It will take some time but you will get there. We're with you on this. Really. You really dont have to drive like retarded cats in heat.
So, in the spirit of the upcoming holidays can you please stay the fuck off the roads as many of us have to balik kampung in peace.
Yours very sincerely,