Monday, August 9, 2010

Of Dodgy Chicken, Ambushed by Fever and Emotional Vampires

Ecoba in Damansara Perdana has accomplished something no other eatery in the world has done - served up a case of food poisoning to me. ME, he who wrestles bears before breakfast.

It is truly a sad day when I have to announce that I am a food poisoning virgin no more. Even after surviving multiple tour of duties of India and it's supposed bacterial water and the various mamak stalls in PJ, it takes a so called bistro's grilled chicken salad to put me down. Yes, I knew the chicken tasted bad but the thing is I have eaten stuff that had long gone past its expiry date before and survived, hence the disregard for caution. That, and I was damn hungry man. Maybe its age....

I dont know what the symptoms of FP are like but it sure as hell was not a boat ride. My stomach started doing the Macarena before announcing its intention to go into full MC Hammer mode while I rocked about on my bar stool. I had already downed a pint of Hoegarden and had a whisky on standby. I thought it best to puke whatever was in my stomach so I would not waste that whisky.

I tell you, I havent puked my guts out like that for a very, very, very long time (think it was in a bar in Taiwan) and I can say the Bangladeshi cleaner standing at the door was definitely NOT a happy man.

Another thing is I rarely get sick. On average I get a fever once a year, sometimes once every two years. And when i do i normally just take a day off, sleep in off on the couch and watch some french erotica with a couple of bottles of water on standby and am normally at some sort of working condition the next day.

SO, after the puke fest i get hit by the onset of fever. Now this is all new to me. It's like the fever bug jumped me outside the toilet. I really dont know how to react to this shit. MORE so because that whisky is looking very unappetizing at this point. I try to soldier on. Fever chills set in. I down maybe half the whisky before I make my apologies and head home.

I crawl into bed with my Rocky outfit of grey hoody and sweatpants. I aim to channel my inner Stallone to take on the bacterial bastards in my tum tums. I have also downed half a mineral water bottle.

The morning is a success. No more fever but I am groggy and my stomach is not in a good condition. I decide to stay in but run out to get some supplies.

SO, what does a manly man who has had his stomach de-virginized by a rogue grill chicken salad do?

Why, he buys his first DVD of Twilight of course. Because he is sick AND as a person in marketing he must know what this pseudo cultural phenomenon is all about. Also because he is a moron.

Before I go further, to all you women out there - TEAM JACOB YO!!!!!

Not because I am gay nor do I want his overly shiny teeth BUT compared to the OTHER dude... . What is it about a pale, skinny emo dude who will use more hairspray than any woman under 25 that girls seem to swoon over?

I am going to keep this in point form or else this post will last for the next 3 days:

1. Twilight is an American version of a Hindi movie minus the coconut trees and the happy village dance routines.

2. There is MORE slow mo, intense eye gazing, sighing, intense sighing, intense eye gazing and slow mo moments than ANY Tamil, Hindi or Hong Kong movie I have EVER seen. I never knew you could slow mo a vampire getting out of a car...

3. This dialog is written by a 12 year old girl in love with Justin Bieber's left arm pit

4. This is what is worrisome. The legions of fans of Twilight who are women and some gay men, can connect to title character Bella Swan (moody, emotionally desperate for her moody emo prince, impulsively stupid when in love, emo, confused and of course emo - oh wait does that mean that women and some gay men are....... . Never mind.)

5. It seems the side characters are more humanizing - Alice that cute spunky vampire that sees te future, the Sherrif, and from some bits I saw of New Moon the Werewolf pack (besides roaming around the forest half naked in cut offs and trainers)

6. I have urgent need for the final Twilight movie. Its still in pre-production but you're all gonna want to see it - Twilight's End : Blade The Chindiana's Revenge.

7. And now the team Jacob and Team Edward debate which summarizes all women's womens wants and needs required in all that is man :

- Vampire Cullen - mood swings like a menopausing stray cat, drives nice cars, metrosexual, sensitive (overly), will fight for his loved one and seems to come from a monied family. - perfect husband material. A sensitive man that women can marry and care for them while taking them out for nice dinners for evah and evah.

- Wolfboy - just a easy going piece of man meat that any girl can talk to - BFF material with the option of jumping his bones in his slummy home in the woods.

So while all women will go and watch the third Twilight saga, Bart August and possible the Bai and I will be hitting the theatres this 12th of August to catch The Expendables - all that is the very antithesis of prepubescent feminism (is there such a thing?).

We shall celebrate gratuitous violence, a script written by truck drivers, loud explosions, Stallone, Stone Cold, Statham, Jet Li and more importantly with nary a head of hair spray in sight.


J said...

Oh no... :(
EVIL CHICKEN SALAD. Hope you are feeling better now.

(On another note: YAY! TEAM JACOB!)(Oh, but don't get me wrong. I am so NOT a Twilight fan. But I do love watching the movies because it's so very, very full of LOL)

Ashley Liew said...

Chindiana, why couldn't you just buy another action movie DVD? Now you sound like my mom for Pete's sake!

Chindiana said...

well i would gladly agree with you J, but I am afraid of the legions of Edward Cullen fans who might blind be with hair spray in some dark alley in SS2 some dark lonely night.

Well Ash, I'm action oriented enough so once in a while I have to submerge myself in 'alternative' cultures.

Your mum wanna join me Thursday for Expendables

Josie said...

HAHAHA, you got suckered into watching twilight! hahahahhaha!

proud to say am still a twilight virgin! hahahahha!

ghoul said...

Sue the eatery :P demand a fresh one next time!!

word verification: phani

p.s. get well soon :)

Chindiana said...

Josie, i bought it on my own accord on strictly professional reasons. We marketing folk have to understand the inner appeasement of all walks of society no?

But make sure you kick my ass back to Seremban if you see me buying a Michael Learns To Rock cd.

How to sue la Ghoul? too late dude. Anyway at that time sueing or complaining were the last things on my mind!

And i am MUCH better man, thanks ! :D

S'wak said...

Just for watching Twilight, you need to surrender your Man Card. Shame on you...

ah lim said...

Michael Learns to Rock that bad meh? I have their greatest hit album.

I'm amazed at your quick recovery from fever and food poisoning. I'm not as strong... reminds me of M Night Shyamalan's movie Unbreakable hehe

Chindiana said...

S'wak bro! Actually I was expecting an upgraded Platinum Man Card for just walking into a packed DVD store and asking clearly for "One Twilight boss!"

No? damn, must be the qualification for another card then...

Ah Lim! um...... aaaahhhhhh.... can la dude. To each his own i say!

Quick recovery from fever may, any recovery whatsoever from grumpy is another story alltogether!