Monday, August 30, 2010

This place is going to the dogs

There has been a spate of robberies back in my neighborhood. While we work in KL, the older folk have stayed back in Seremban. Break ins have been rampant in my part of that sleepy hollow down south.

Remember that post about the junkie who tried to snatch a gold chain from an Indian dude? Well this time he came back or someone like him who was high. This time it was my mum who was walking back from the temple. He went for her gold bracelet (something we've told her to never where when walking home alone but you know how it goes with the old folks...) and she put up a fight. He slashed her arm and severed a main artery and a tendon.

She's got out of surgery last night. She's stable now and should be OK. I've been away the last few days and only found out Saturday but could not really do anything a thousand miles away.

Anyway, the situation is just this:

Why are neighborhoods in the suburbs of PJ and KL already hiring private security and turning neighborhoods into bloody forts? Why the rampant proliferation of goons and thugs in the neighborhoods.

Where are our cops?

If you guys remembered the last break in at my Seremban home again. With the robbers outside my sisters door and after she made her 999 call, they turn up 40 minutes later. The official reaction time is supposed to be 15 minutes. Did i metiont that the first 10 minutes was to get her transferred to the right branch?

With the robbers attacking houses DAILY the cops could not do anything. In the end the neighbors had to pool their money and hire private security and start installing burglar alarms.

Back to the slashing.

My mum was taken to the Seremban General Hospital. As an ex public servant she gets free medical.

SHE WAS TOLD THERE WAS NO PROBLEM.

Only after an uncle suspected something was wrong with the huge amount of blood loss we had a relative call up the hospital to get something done. Only on the second inspection by the head of department did they realize she had key arteries severed.

IF we did not know anyone in there, she would have gone home.

This is the state of this country. There are many stories in Seremban of folks going into minor operations and dying of complications.

The response I got about taking this to the papers or suing the hospital was met with " they're government hospital. It wont make a difference. The hospital sees hundreds sometimes a thousand people walk through there."

And you know what? I have to agree. The apathy of folks in the government machinery to improve the most basic of services, safety and health is and will continue to go unchecked. It's only the old folks and the poor who walk through those doors anyway. (my mum refuses private clinics).

When those given the tasks to nurse the sick and protect the weak start to act like they are on vacation, we can only wonder how far off we are from ball sucking anarchy.

This emo rant brought to you by a lack of a proper lunch and a 3 keropok breakfast.

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Day I Drank Coffee That Came Out Of A Mammal's Arse



Kopi Luwak. Remember it. That's coffee beans that have been shat out a civet cat's digestive system, cleansed and roasted to make supposedly the most expensive coffee in the world.

I had to give it a try of course. I mean its the most expensive coffee in the world, supposedly a favorite beverage of the President Obama's White House, supposedly the most aromatic coffee in the world.

So I hit a high end restaurant in Jakarta and order up some Kopi Luwak with friend goreng pisang with ice cream ( :D). The preparation is overly fancy with the coffee powder inserted atop the pot, where the hot water rises, imerses the coffee bean and when it cools slightly it drips back into the glass pot.

I have to admit for something that came out of a jungle pussy's ass, this coffee was anti-climactic. The so called aroma that would make an viagra-less old man blow his load was really just pleasant. The coffee was sorta lacking in taste - it was smooth with non of the bitter after taste that you get from your regular cuppa Joe. I was with an Indonesian friend who has been there before so I doubt we were taken for a ride. Maybe it was some weak coffee bean that the cat ate, maybe that old civet was busy watching a Twilight marathon and just didn't have time to shit out a full load, may the digestive system of that darn cat absorbed all the good stuff, but that coffee on that day tasted no better than diluted Nescafe.

I will of course go back again. But thinking about the price does make one think twice. We paid about RP89,000, that's slightly less than USD10 or about maybe RM25-27. Thats almost a jug of beer. With peanuts.

Align Center

Its clear and looks like the plain jane.




Here you go for more on Kopi Luwak .

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Chindiana Trails and the Custom Officer of Death

International travelers often have to pay for the foreign policies of their governments. I've had fun times before in India (Malaysia deported about 450 Indian nationals for some reason) and immigration in Bangalore, South India, gave me shit when I was departing (it seemed was passport was fake as the photo in the passport had a gentleman who was not wearing glasses and i was... -_-).

Anyway, no one told me that the Indonesian media was reporting that Malaysians were killing Indonesians. Reporting it a LOT.

SO.

I got into Jakarta last weekend for the press conference on Monday. I had about a 100 caps as door gifts for the media with me. Of course I get pulled over and get sent on to the customs office for not having proper documentation even though we had gotten thru customs before wit no problems.

I explain in my very bad Bahasa Malaysia that these are hand outs for a press conference. One customs dude walks in and demands my passport.

"you are Malaysian?"

"ya"

"Be careful Malaysian. You think you can kill us but you dont give us problem here!"

"Waaaa......????"

"You kill Indonesians? You Malaysian kill Indonesians and you come here and give us problems?"

This goes on for about two minutes. In between another dude tells me that I have to pay about RM500 in taxes as these products. I say these are sponsors products and there is no cost to it.

I am told not to give trouble and sit down.

I keep standing and tell them to keep the caps. I dont give a shit at this point. But I demand a letter stating why they have are keeping the caps and they can have it all.

I am then taken to another room to get the paper work done.

Then I realize its a good cop/bad cop act.

Good Cop - " This is too high. Why this tax so high?"

Chindiana - "dunno,you can ask your friends." (at this point I dont give a fuck as I am late for my meeting in town)

A big show goes on and Bad Cop walks in.

"You be careful Malaysian. Be careful."

"Dude, I did not kill Indonesians!"

"You are all the same!"

"why dont you ask our policemen or whoever it is that is killing your people! I dont know anyone who kills Indonesians" (I actually walk out to stop myself saying that most Indonesian fights occur in their own 'kongsis' around the Malaysian construction sites)

"You behave Malaysia! Come in!"

"Just looking for my colleague la"

Good cop smiles an shakes his head. Looks at me as says OK you just pay RP500,ooo (i think thats about RM150).

I reply "can whatever...."

"Why you look at me like that Malaysian? You dont like me?"

"haha, Looks like you dont like me more"

"You Malaysian all basters (bastards)!"

I just roll my eyes and settle in my chair as good cop fills up the necessary paperwork.

What enfolds next makes my day.

Good cop while tapping away at the key board asks "Upin Dan Ippin good!" and laughs.

"What?"

"Upin dan Ippin. You dont know?" he looks at me as if I have RETARD written on my forehead.

"um... noooo....." i feel a bit stupid at this point.

"Its Malaysian TV cartoon! very funny!"

"oh"

Bad Cop - "Upin dan Ippin very good! but Malaysian all still basters!"

he walks out and i get my discount.


haha. fuck the world man.

saved by some retard cartoon from Malaysia.....

*this is just a summarised version. I think i was in there for about 45 minutes or so. I think the only guy who was NOT on the act was the first guy who stopped me as he was the one trying to get me to come back later with paperwork to clear customs without having to pay anything.

You gotta love these things.

Jakarta Ramblings

Just got back yesterday from a coupla days in Jakarta, just some random thoughts:

1. Indonesian women are the sexiest in the region. Maybe its that playful sing song tone tone in their voice, maybe it's those gorgeous Dutch/Chinese/Indonesian blood, maybe it's in their walk or attitude but they be hawt!

Roll call for the rest of South East Asia:

2. Thailand - consistently beautiful

3. Philippines - Enchanting

4. Malaysians - confused between being themselves and being Singaporean ie a cute mix of metropolitan chic and old school charm

5. Singaporean - manufactured chic

Jakarta has awesome food - seafood and the abundance of great indonesian varieties from all over the 1,000 islands.

It has great places to dine - sea front, chic clubs and bars, cosy local corners etc.

The traffic snarls will still suck the sweat off a dead man's balls.

But did I mention the women are hawt?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Synchronized Dream State

I always thought I was a bearable boss, a somewhat grumpy mother fuker BUT who TRIES to refrain from making a workplace a hell hole.

Unfortunately this does not seem so. On Tuesday morning at 5am to be exact, two of my staff had the same dream, at the same time about me. Apparently I was throwing at bitch fit at them and many other things that they would not mention (probably throwing hand phones, books, etc. I sure hope i was not pile driving anyone in those dreams).

I guess i have some damage control to do. My staff are uber cool. They give me their all and I will do the same for them. I shouldn't be keeping them awake through bad dreams. I'm not Freddy Kruger.

At that very same moment it was 4am in Bangkok and I was out with a business partner and wishing I was on a beach in Bali and far, far away from this life. My alcohol quota had way been exceeded two hour earlier and all the beautiful women in Bangkok were just not enough for me to have happy thoughts. That and that I had to be at the airport in a coupla hours.

In Hindu terms, bad dreams actually mean a positive. I have no idea how this works as I am a lousy practitioner of the religion, with more an affinity to the Jedi religion.

Back to that point - i scare/worry my staff enough that they share their dreams (make that night mares) about me. AT THE SAME TIME.

Is that cool or what? I doubt anyone in the world can make two people dream the same dream at the same time. Not even Robert Pattinson. I think I'll put that on my resume.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The World Is Fucked Live Like Its 1999 or whatever...

The signs are just all over the place, why even bother about planning for the future of children or with kids?

Where shall we start that will show there is just no turning back the clock on a down hill ride from here to the next big war, earthquake, famine, super virus, random mutations and meat eating potatoes?

Here's a random list of 'We're royally fucked':

- The degeneration of the human mind into flock mentality
- Justin Bieber ruling the charts,
- Katy Perry is now Maxim's sexiest woman,
- women are only turned on by gay boys who shine like diamonds in the sunlight or man meat testosterone Spartans or were wolves

- Global warming - say goodbye to many Caribbean islands and Singapore, erratic weather patterns resulting in low spinach harvests, draught, etc.

- unstable tectonic plates and earth's core resulting in more violent earth quakes and tsunamis. C'mon for the first time ever Malaysia gets him might minor tremors from earthquakes in Indonesia...

- deadly flash floods - almost zero environmental consultations done in developing and third world countries

- billions of dollars from a nations purses paying for graft which is also the main cause of environmental and social disorder in most countries

- global religious fanaticism fueled by politicians and governments

- lack of a strong basic education system in most developing nations.

- policies in countries approved by POLITICIANS NOT experts in their field eg economists, educationists, etc

- foreign policy larger nations on exerting dominance and less of understanding and respecting cultures.

- The formation of Lady Gaga fan clubs....

The lists go on anyway. I do not see governments getting better or improving from graft. We don't have a good education system, with many politicians coming from this same system. A system that results in Parliament meetings ending up like Springer reject shows. Government policies for development are framed around 5 year election periods so the long term future of this nations is really on no one's mind. Except you and I and that DVD pirate now the road. (yes, crime has long term plans)

We are staring at a future of corruption, earthquakes, famine, random terrorists attacks, mutant wild life, pollution and depleting food and especially water sources. Of course there are fighters, the idealists and the warriors of virtue out there who are fighting a good fight. They will make a difference of course. But it is only temporarily stemming the shit flood that will hit our species in time.

THIS my dear friends is as good as it gets. Let's not plan on futures with kids if you're unmarried. Why put those poor buggers through this?

I mean going home for Raya, CNY, Deepavali or Christmas would probably mean hiking from KL to Batang Berjuntai armed with bows, arrows and spears, while feeding on home made bread while wearing gas masks. Petrol will probably costs your left testicle for a gallon and the only fresh water you're going to drink will be recycled from your pee.

This is the best time ever! Enjoy it! Live la vida loca! Go out with a bang! Cos it ain't gonna get better than this.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The English, Legos and Vader - Best Combo Ever


Nothing like an Englishman (Eddie Izzard) spoofing Vader told with those cute ass Legos again.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Expendables - Just a couple of good old boys...


Watching the Expendables is like playing with all your best boy toys on a Saturday morning (like Bella mentioned). It's just FUN. The story is there just for Stallone and gang to ham it up for the cameras, the comic book violence is there to deliver on a promise of macho-ness and the easy going humour hints that everyone was having a good time (except the perpetually constipated looking Stone Cold).

It's every man/guys/kid's action movie - not much of a story, Stallone, Lundgren, Jet Li, Statham, ultimate fighting legend Randy Couture, WWE's Stone Cold, Eric Roberts, Mickey Rourke with cameos by Stallone's buddies Willis and the Governor of California.

There are fun moments - Arnie almost steals the show, you have Jet Li whining like a woman about money, a fanboy wet dream of a smackdown with Randy Couture and Austin, Stallone getting his ass kicked and have you even symphatising for Lundgren! You of course have the gratitious violence deliverd by bazooka's (and that's just to kill one man!), about a coupla million rounds of ammo, hand guns, machin guns, an old sea plane to shoot off torsos. heads and various other body parts while the banana republic soldiers get sliced and diced by knives of various sizes, with even a shaving blade thrown in for good measure!

Will you watch it again? Nah. But if you're a guy brought up on testesterone and old action movies, just go once and say hi to old friends who stopped by in town. It's heart warming.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Condensation at Altitude

Just a quick question thrown out there. I forgot to mention in my Agung post that upon return to the van i discovered that my water proof pouches which contained my wallet and BB were heavy with moisture inside. The pouch with my BB was dangerously populated by droplets of water. Gus who was with me suffered a worse fate, his water proof pouch was a quarter full of water! Both his phones bade a sad farewell to our world and left for the great heaven likely to join the old ATUR phones.

Sure it was raining lightly for over 5 hours but most def the water in the pouches were from within. I can't think of a reason besides that the condensation was caused by the very cold air outside and the heat generated by the batteries to keep the equipment working.

Since many of you are a helluva smarter than me I'm hoping you can help me with this conundrum. Also just a heads up to you guys who may pack equipment in a humid zone before travelling up to altitude for a little adventure.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Of Dodgy Chicken, Ambushed by Fever and Emotional Vampires

Ecoba in Damansara Perdana has accomplished something no other eatery in the world has done - served up a case of food poisoning to me. ME, he who wrestles bears before breakfast.

It is truly a sad day when I have to announce that I am a food poisoning virgin no more. Even after surviving multiple tour of duties of India and it's supposed bacterial water and the various mamak stalls in PJ, it takes a so called bistro's grilled chicken salad to put me down. Yes, I knew the chicken tasted bad but the thing is I have eaten stuff that had long gone past its expiry date before and survived, hence the disregard for caution. That, and I was damn hungry man. Maybe its age....

I dont know what the symptoms of FP are like but it sure as hell was not a boat ride. My stomach started doing the Macarena before announcing its intention to go into full MC Hammer mode while I rocked about on my bar stool. I had already downed a pint of Hoegarden and had a whisky on standby. I thought it best to puke whatever was in my stomach so I would not waste that whisky.

I tell you, I havent puked my guts out like that for a very, very, very long time (think it was in a bar in Taiwan) and I can say the Bangladeshi cleaner standing at the door was definitely NOT a happy man.

Another thing is I rarely get sick. On average I get a fever once a year, sometimes once every two years. And when i do i normally just take a day off, sleep in off on the couch and watch some french erotica with a couple of bottles of water on standby and am normally at some sort of working condition the next day.

SO, after the puke fest i get hit by the onset of fever. Now this is all new to me. It's like the fever bug jumped me outside the toilet. I really dont know how to react to this shit. MORE so because that whisky is looking very unappetizing at this point. I try to soldier on. Fever chills set in. I down maybe half the whisky before I make my apologies and head home.

I crawl into bed with my Rocky outfit of grey hoody and sweatpants. I aim to channel my inner Stallone to take on the bacterial bastards in my tum tums. I have also downed half a mineral water bottle.

The morning is a success. No more fever but I am groggy and my stomach is not in a good condition. I decide to stay in but run out to get some supplies.

SO, what does a manly man who has had his stomach de-virginized by a rogue grill chicken salad do?

Why, he buys his first DVD of Twilight of course. Because he is sick AND as a person in marketing he must know what this pseudo cultural phenomenon is all about. Also because he is a moron.

Before I go further, to all you women out there - TEAM JACOB YO!!!!!

Not because I am gay nor do I want his overly shiny teeth BUT compared to the OTHER dude... . What is it about a pale, skinny emo dude who will use more hairspray than any woman under 25 that girls seem to swoon over?

I am going to keep this in point form or else this post will last for the next 3 days:

1. Twilight is an American version of a Hindi movie minus the coconut trees and the happy village dance routines.

2. There is MORE slow mo, intense eye gazing, sighing, intense sighing, intense eye gazing and slow mo moments than ANY Tamil, Hindi or Hong Kong movie I have EVER seen. I never knew you could slow mo a vampire getting out of a car...

3. This dialog is written by a 12 year old girl in love with Justin Bieber's left arm pit

4. This is what is worrisome. The legions of fans of Twilight who are women and some gay men, can connect to title character Bella Swan (moody, emotionally desperate for her moody emo prince, impulsively stupid when in love, emo, confused and of course emo - oh wait does that mean that women and some gay men are....... . Never mind.)

5. It seems the side characters are more humanizing - Alice that cute spunky vampire that sees te future, the Sherrif, and from some bits I saw of New Moon the Werewolf pack (besides roaming around the forest half naked in cut offs and trainers)

6. I have urgent need for the final Twilight movie. Its still in pre-production but you're all gonna want to see it - Twilight's End : Blade The Chindiana's Revenge.

7. And now the team Jacob and Team Edward debate which summarizes all women's womens wants and needs required in all that is man :

- Vampire Cullen - mood swings like a menopausing stray cat, drives nice cars, metrosexual, sensitive (overly), will fight for his loved one and seems to come from a monied family. - perfect husband material. A sensitive man that women can marry and care for them while taking them out for nice dinners for evah and evah.

- Wolfboy - just a easy going piece of man meat that any girl can talk to - BFF material with the option of jumping his bones in his slummy home in the woods.

So while all women will go and watch the third Twilight saga, Bart August and possible the Bai and I will be hitting the theatres this 12th of August to catch The Expendables - all that is the very antithesis of prepubescent feminism (is there such a thing?).

We shall celebrate gratuitous violence, a script written by truck drivers, loud explosions, Stallone, Stone Cold, Statham, Jet Li and more importantly with nary a head of hair spray in sight.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Fascinating...

Just got back from a day trip to Thailand. Not enough sleep but too tired to sleep now.

Is that why I suddenly find it fascinating that something I ate in Bangkok came out of my ass in Kuala Lumpur?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Cebu

In the hotel now. Just checked in to wash up and scrub the grumpiness aside. The meeting took 45 minutes. Think we have touchdown.

I just realized that it is easy to spend 3 hours in transit:

- Get off plane, go through immigration, customs - 30 minutes (more if you have check in luggage)
- toilet break - 2 minutes to 15 minutes (add extra 2 minutes if you wash your hands)
- grab meal or coffee - 45 minutes
- browse duty free - anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour
- make way to departure lounge.

Now i have to repeat the same thing going back to KL in another 3 hours.

Going to start replying some emails. catch a quick snooze and then walk over to the airport (hotel brilliantly booked by my staff)

I have nothing to remember Cebu by besides the smell of the ocean from City Hall and the bridge that stretched across the canal and containers being loaded up to large ships. I will be back.

I just realized that some people love positioning their air conditions to hit a visitor full on to make then uncomfortable. An ex boss loved doing this and the current dude seemed to use that tactic as he motioned me away from the chair i chose in front of him to the one on the other side where i got him full on in the chest - hence my downing hot coffee from trying to stop myself from stuttering from the cold.

Too much coffee - my piss is starting to smell of 3-in-1 caffeine mix.