Monday, May 3, 2010

Darth Buaya - Part Deux

"What the FUCK is this Needa?"

Captain Needa paused apprehensively behind the now seething Sith Lord. Before them were the denizens of the Canteena Pub, Bangsar, Malaysia, Earth, The Sol System. 

Something was very wrong. That or Darth Buaya had landed on the wrong planet.

Buaya looked on into the dark little watering hole. "Fucking journalist. Shmifucking JOURNALISTS!" he thought.  How the FUCK had the his memory warped this mind into thinking that this den for every hard nosed newspaper reporter in Malaysia was the Pleasuredome of Intergalatic Pussy???

He was not happy. He needed to Force Choke someone. Especially no one seemed all to concerned that a feared Sith Lord was in their midst. Some were moaning the state of sports and some were talking in hushed whispers of the fearsome Darth r()z^^@.

Buaya needed pussy. NOT a One For One Happy Hour promotion for Tiger Beer. He called over the bored looking waitress, waved his hand in front of her and said, "You WILL tell me where I can find pleasures of the flesh."

She blinked at him and stared past him at Needa.

"YOU WILL TELL ME WHERE TO FIND PUSSY." 

She stood up on her toes and forcibly pulled his mouth grill close to her now angry face and hissed, "whatehfuk you think you some stupid Jedi cocksuker? Dont want to drink FUK OFF LA!"

Buaya backed off, startled. "Fuk Needa what's that shit in her mouth?" 

"its beetle juice my lord"

"She ate Michael Keaton??? No wonder my powers don't work on her. And who does she think she is calling me a cocksucker?"

"My Lord, I believe you are now a Sith cocksucker. You may not have the Jedi mind control over weaker minds."

"WTF...????? What do you mean???

"I'm sorry my Lord but when is the last time you mind controlled anyone since you became a Sith Lord?"

Darth Buaya stood stunned. Memories flooded his mind like a sewage from a broken toilet bowl. Images of bar hopping with Obi Wan back when he was a young Padawan. Hitting club to club, telling sweet young things that they SHOULD come back to his place to check out his light saber. How their eyes would go blank while they answered in a monotonous "yes". The memories of Obi Wan rolling his eyes as he successfully chatted up one female after another. Dammit, he didn't need to use mind control since he turned Sith. Almost everyone shat their pants the moment he walked into a room. He never needed to use mind tricks on anyone. Fear was the best motivator.

"Needa, You WILL shoot yourself."

"I'm sorry my lord, but....."

"NEEDA, YOU WILL FUCKING SHOOT YOURSELF"

"My Lord, its not working! I'm afraid you're officially Jedi mind controlless."

Suddenly it dawned on Buaya, all those conquests over the years was solely because he managed to control the minds of every hottie he met. No woman in her sane mind would fall for "do you wanna see my light saber?". Fear meant nothing to the females of the Universe. They were driven and turned on by wealth and security, not fear of force choking.

And now, after turning Sith, he had lost that ONE very Jedi power that could bring him pleasures of the flesh. 

Fear of the unknown, anger at Obiwan burning off his balls in molten lava, frustration at losing the one true power that brought him joy washed over the second most feared Sith Lord in the universe as he let out a howl of pained anguish, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

2 comments:

ah lim said...

drama..nya...

I can imagine Darth Buaya's "NOOOOoooooooooo..."

Chindiana said...

As good as being castrated... Wahahaha!