100% dust mite free!!!!
How do we really know? i mean do dust mites party to Daft Punk in the middle of the night? Do they race monster trucks while you sleep? What are the signs anyway? is it that itch in your ass every time you wake up in the morning?
Having the word GUARANTEE stamped on every label seems an excuse to voluntarily breath a sigh of relief thinking that someone else has woken their tired ass out of bed one rainy day to test that your mattress will be bouncy for a decade, your titanium watch actually works one kilometer under the Pacific Ocean or that you won't get Fanny from the Pink Lady Lounge preggers with your studded rubber(well 99% guaranteed anyway)
Then of course we really don't remember the terms of the actual guarantee as time jogs by do we? You've probably changed that cum, umm.... drool stained mattress well before it starts smelling like a fish market, and you might as well try to park your car on top on that watch that is supposed to survive the bottom of Neptune's kingdom.
Guarantees give us hope and relief in the words of faceless copywriters or corporate product managers. Wish I could get in on this GUARANTEE game.
It would go something like "Read Chindiana Trails! GUARANTEED to bring out the SEXY even in geriatric Orcs!"
Well... i never said i used to be a succesful copy writer...