Saturday, January 30, 2010

Bangkok Nights

Got off the plane from the Land of Smiles a few hours ago.

The mind fuzzily recollects thoughts of a monotonous Friday workday full of meetings and urgent emails  jarringly clashing with the foggy images of alcoholic debauchery under the neon filled Bangkok night sky.

The Seafood Bar is a memory of every incarnation of oyster from mashed potato and Guinness, Grilled, Baked, Bacon and Cheese, Seaweed wrapped and Sake soaked, washed down with 4 or 5 different champagne brands. We spend 4 hours gorging on the stuff. There was a beautiful woman sitting next to me and more around us. She was sexy and smart. We get along well. I think. Getting invites to a VIP party has some perks. I rarely see how Beautiful People live. It is good. At least on the surface. From what I can remember.

The champagne created fuzziness in my mind parts to reveal the second stop of our night - a performance bar somewhere called The Carribean. Or the Caribou? Maybe it was the Cucumber... I'm not sure.

We arrive just before midnight. The party has started. A dozen topless girls gyrate to Sean Kingston. Bored patrons ignore them as they speak, caress, grope the specific girl they've booked for the night. The place is HUGE. The size of a football field with two stages. Girls sweating from previous performances approach the bar where we are seated seeking drinks to quench their thirsts.

Glasses of multi colored liquid are set on fire and we down them. My blue colored drink tastes like Clorox. Blue Whatverthefuk meets the Champagne in my stomach. The oysters in the belly now raise up from the dead, Zombie like and dance around my stomach walls. i ask for some water and a girl in a thong and bikini top passes me a mineral water that she had not yet drunk from and calls in sing song Thai across the bar for another.

It's 3am and I only remember that that I have 3 hours to go before i have to catch my cab to the airport. I give manly hugs to the guys, shake the hand of the girl who has been talking to me (a masters degree holder who earns more working in a bar than of she were to start as a freshie in any company in Bangkok) and manage to walk out looking stone cold sober and manage to commandeer the only honest cab driver on the street back to my hotel.

The fuzziness is there. I do not remember much of the flight back.

All I remember is that those oysters were damn good. And she had nice eyes.

The girl. Not the oysters...

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Cause of My Stress Lately

I rarely share in detail what I do for a living. Some of you think I either a socks sales man or some dude peddling dried fertilizer. Well this baby took one year to put together and its now reaching the climax of the league. A lot of blood sweat and tears have gone into this. Could NOT have done this without Peekz and some other fantastic people from around the region.

Monday, January 25, 2010

In the Haze of Booze....

..... watching a transvestite pole dancer disturbingly makes one think of Stallone SUCCESSFULLY pull of the Swan Lake in a full tutu ensemble.

Location - Opium Club, Jaya One
Time - sometime before midnight on a Saturday

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Legion Movie Review

Thank God (sorry sir) this was a comp ticket. What I thought would be an Angel vs Angels turkey shoot using M84s or is that an M94 rocket launchers just turned out to be an insomniac's wet dream.

This shoulda been an all out actioner with pure violence and creative ways angels could get offed by a bunch of diner patrons.

Instead we get a show that's disjointed and boring as fuck. I went with Chewie and within 15 minutes of the movie we were taking bets who was going to get offed in what sequence. Only when we realized that every character was taking turns making some pseudo babble speech that we started hoping that they ALL would get offed.

Stupid waste of time. Save the money for 2 Ramly Burgers Extra Extra Spesel, one Egg Banjo and two Milo ais (kurang manis boss).

Friday, January 15, 2010

Another Day Another Flight Delayed...

In a hotel in Jakarta now. Why is it that I always get rooms that seem to have rat cum on the carpets?

AirAsia has been sorta good to me with me actually arriving early if not on time over the past 4 months. So I guess the laws of averages catch up to me with a double whammy when today's flight was delayed also.

I help this cute old Indian Muslim couple going to Jakarta and Bandung on a group holiday. They are seated next to me on the plane and the pakcik is not sure how to fill in the immigration and custom forms. Their passports are fresh from the Immigration Department's presses (issued 5th January 2010) and they're nervously excited. I fill up the forms on auto pilot so I dont think the Makcik will be too happy when the immigration officers asks her if she's really a male ( I only realized after i got off the plane).

Indonesian Batik is not that bad. Folks wear it here as common attire IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. Unlike Malaysia batik that seems to have been designed by a Ronald McDonald reject with colors that would even hurt a blind man's eyes.

I've got a Hunter S Thompson book on the Hell's Angels to keep me company after I shoot of some emails. Should listen to that woman and get a Blackberry.

Oooo... Letterman's on. 


Those emails can wait.

Another Day Trip Another Ramly Burger

SOMETIMES I treat my self to a cholesterol bomb of a burger whenever I come back from an annoying day trip. These are normally a rushed cross border excursion where:

1. Flight is delayed

2. Nothing gets done - a meeting with yappy executives who dont even provide coffee

3. The mother of all shites - you arrive late to check in at the LCCT during the school holidays with a million lost parents and their demon spawn flooding the terminal with their home grown sense of chaos.

As I sit here typing this, after a very rushed day trip to Singapore, as the first two mouthfuls of this Ramly Burger Ayam Spesel Tambah Cheese slides down my tum tums, I say a prayer to that chicken whose mashed up guts and bodily spare parts make up this oh-so-heavenly patty. Your death was not in vain my feathered friend...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

2010, The Year of The Tiger - Thus Far...

Clowns burn churches. Their paymasters hiding in the shadows underestimate Malaysians common sense. We will not be pawns in the racial game.

2 killed as Togo football team machine gun attacked by rebels in Angola - only cowards pull triggers in times of peace.

Bart's ex/person he dated for a short while found in closet murdered by her husband. Before she got married a few years ago she asked Bart if he would step in if any problems arose with her future husband to be. She saw something coming even then. Just not the end of her life.

A friend has accident on or after New Year's eve. She can't remember when it happened. Neither can she remember me. The doctors are not sure when she will get her memory back. Lucky i direct her to FB to prove that I'm not some twat selling time share subscriptions.

Tiger, Tiger burning bright,
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

* Nice touch quoting Blake eh?
** I'll admit i only remembered the first two lines. Damn, can't make this font any smaller...

Friday, January 8, 2010

Best Quote of 2010

You know you've got female friends who were probably sailors in their previous lives, when you get THIS response from the pain suffered experiencing a slipped disc:

"Fuck man, I can't stand the pain! I'm walking around like a raped whore!" - Ms. Anonymous

And YES, I dare anyone to top this quote for the rest of the year!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

We Love Those Guarantees...

100% dust mite free!!!!

How do we really know? i mean do dust mites party to Daft Punk in the middle of the night? Do they race monster trucks while you sleep? What are the signs anyway? is it that itch in your ass every time you wake up in the morning?

Having the word GUARANTEE stamped on every label seems an excuse to voluntarily breath a sigh of relief thinking that someone else has woken their tired ass out of bed one rainy day to test that your mattress will be bouncy for a decade, your titanium watch actually works one kilometer under the Pacific Ocean or that you won't get Fanny from the Pink Lady Lounge preggers with your studded rubber(well 99% guaranteed anyway)

Then of course we really don't remember the terms of the actual guarantee as time jogs by do we? You've probably changed that cum, umm.... drool stained mattress well before it starts smelling like a fish market, and you might as well try to park your car on top on that watch that is supposed to survive the bottom of Neptune's kingdom.

Guarantees give us hope and relief in the words of faceless copywriters or corporate product managers. Wish I could get in on this GUARANTEE game.

It would go something like "Read Chindiana Trails! GUARANTEED to bring out the SEXY even in geriatric Orcs!"

Well... i never said i used to be a succesful copy writer...

Friday, January 1, 2010

A New Decade Begins

Just another day, another year and another start to a new decade. Let see what we make out of it. Some clowns will attempt to stop smoking, some will attempt to work harder to make more money, some will hope their horoscope/Chinese zodiac sign will bring them good fortune (sorry snake man, you're fucked...) but most will not give a shit in a weeks time.

But it DOES get one thinking doesn't it. Like January 1st has a restart or UNDO button. Not really of course, that credit card bill or that nagging mother-in law is not going away you sorta FEEL like you could, with a thought, attempt to be a better person.

Happy New Year folks! I hope the very best of good fortune and health to you and your loved ones (including pets).

I know I've been shitting up a storm on the blog the past month but I'm hoping to share more adventure with you in 2010. That's my resolution. In a way. just a smaaaalll way...

Onwards 2010 yo...