One of my utter most fears is rearing it's ugly head, hissing a ballad of anger and frustration. What I swore I never would be is now manifesting itself, a creeping surge of angst pulling a short fuse from my ass to my head.
My dad was Mr Quiet. A great friend and one of the cool guys with a lot of friends. As his business ventures went to shit and he got used by so called 'good people' he degenerated into a scowling loner, venting his anger and frustrations at all and sundry. Eventually it did not help that he took to hiding out in a project in the forest reserve of Negri Sembilan and in my own personal words "he went native". He spent more time with the orang asli, Indonesian and Bangladeshi workers in the jungles than his own family. I am no saint. I dont go back home much. I really should not be judging but I'm just venting. Sometimes I dont even know if I use work as an excuse so I am not caught up with his moods whenever I get back to S'ban.
The most important thing he did to me was when he told me at the age of 15 "You don't have to ask me permission for anything anymore. Do anything you want, but if you get into any mess you sort it our yourself as I won't help you".
Man, that messes with your head.
Freedom comes with a disclaimer. So, I did whatever I did BUT with always a second thought. I watched my first porn at 17. Drank my first beer at 17. Got shitfaced drunk only when I was not driving. Only snuck into the all girls school at night only when we knew there were at least 2 escape routes, never did drugs in school, never smoked a cigarette unless hiking in the jungle (a shitty bug repellant) and ran away the first time a girl asked me to kiss her - 15 half. OKOK, that had nothing to do with second thoughts. It scared the shit out of me AND she was 17! C'mon give me a break...
Anyway, I've seen a good man degenerate into an angry frustrated older man. I'm sure he has unfulfilled dreams although it seems he has what any man ones - retired, a lovely hill side getaway home on a hill overlooking the Seremban valley with a forest reserve as his garden, 2 beautiful (and notorious) grandchildren, a loving a patient wife and one grumpy ass son who appears every 76 years riding on Halley's Comet's ass.
I see that now in the mirror every morning. Peekz asked me if I was like this all the time. I caught myself before replying a quite "no'. I had dreams. I wanted to make this world a better place. I used to be fun and I was considered one of the good guys. In the words of the Ex - "you're like that Jewel song - fashionably sensitive but too cool to care".
Now I'm fashionably nothing and one grumpy pain in the ass. How did I get this way?
By letting it get to me. By taking every job personally and blaming every moron and his pet ferret if they could not meet my demands. Shouting up a storm if office politicians committed crimes against humanity and especially getting personal when some bartender tells me they dont serve Perfect Pints of Guinness because they dont have enough glasses. (fuck you Laundry bar! Fuck my wing ass)
There is no way I'm going down the Daddy Chindiana path. No way am i going to be 67 and acting up the Grinch for the rest of my life. Baby steps first.
Today I wont get mad.
Today I going for Yoga.
Tomorrow I hope to get that Yoga instructor's phone number.
Thursday I book my flight to KK - Nex and I will road trip from KK to Brunei in December. Its not far but I haven't been down the trunk roads of East Malaysia. Road trips with Nex are always fun.
Saturday I send in my proposals for a new project in 2 countries. If one bites, Operation Bar By The Beach will be one tiny step closer. In 3 years I'm going to wake up to the sounds of waves breaking on the shores and the wind rustling the leaves of the palm fronds on my porch.
I hope this is not the same dream my dad had.....