Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Eye Of the Needle...

The last time I did this was probably 5 years ago. It seemed easier then.

Maybe it was the Sunday afternoon rain storm that kept me going for a run in Gasing Hill (okok, a walk...)

Maybe I was being cheap.

Maybe it SEEMED simple.

Maybe it's my growing fondness for Miley Cyrus...

I tried sewing on some buttons on a shirt.

I didn't think it was that hard. How hard could it be anyway???

Let me count the ways...

1. Getting that cheap ass thread through the eye of the needle

2. Realizing the thread is frayed and wont go through easily. Trimming the damn thing.

3. Finding the right center spot for the button. A little too high or low and your shirt looks like it was put together by a drunk gorilla.

4. THEN realizing that I've go to knot the end or else i would end up pulling the whole thread through the button hole.

5. THEN figuring out what to do when you finish. I've got fingers fit for wrestling bears, NOT tying teeny weeny knots on microscopic pieces of thread.

It took me 20 minutes to sew the first button. 15 minutes for the second.

Damn, I'm a fast learner...

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Abs for Women



A lot of youse wimmen folk seek that flat washboard. A lot of you women think you will need to take on a fitness regimen of Amazonian proportions to achieve this. I, Chindiana have found a sample specimen who MAY have a fitness regime that might realistically give some tone to your tummies.

Ame (the babe above), is someone I know from the past (I thought using a sample of someone I know would be better than say using a Megan Fox picture and some fitness program her PR company drummed up).

She used to waitress part time at Online Pub which I frequented while holding down a day job in a design firm in Hartamas. She dabbles in modelling which she does for fun. I bumped into her a while back, exchanged details and i got to peek into some of her FB albums. I chatted with her the other day and asked her if she could share the secret to her Awesom Abs. She also allowed me to use these pictures here today.



These abs (which I can eat sushi off) are the product of a reasonable program that is quite accessible to women who are too busy with work, babies, the husband, boy friend, pet cat, dog, mother in law, etc etc.

SO.

What Ame does:

1. 100 crunches each minimum 3 times a week. Of course you can't do 100 from the start. Start easy the first week, then break up the session (30 x30x40) before finishing the full 100 without breaks (see, you don't have to go at it 10 times a day, everyday)

2. Watches her carbs (not completely wiping them out of her diet)

3. Drinks lots of water (which cleanses the system)

4. And muscle flexing - she tenses her abs a few times a day. You can do this a few times a day anytime anywhere, when you are driving, sitting at your workstation tapping away at the lap top, etc. The key is holding in the tummy for a prolonged period, letting go and then tensing again,

Anyway, is not that hard and the evidence is above. Just need to apply a little discipline girls.

So lets get on it! Washboard Abs and Beyond!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Conversations I Should Not Be Listening To...

Ladies, take note this posts contains juvenile male content.

You're in a bar. Waiting for a Malaysian who is obviously on Malaysia timing. The second beer is going down reluctantly. Drinking solo in a bar without a sports channel on OR woman who qualifies as Mighty Fine is annoying at best. Today, boredom added to the itch in my ass that I just could not get rid off.

Behind me, a thread of one of those faceless conversations catch my ear:

"That breast juicy man! Can eat whole day!"

"Eat? You just bite and suck like baby man!" (followed by raucous laughter)

"Breast where got taste la? I might as well eat my own! Skin is skin wat. Not like a woman's breast taste like tom yam!" (fuk man, don't ask me, i'm just recounting)

"Ya la farkerr, your breast taste like dog hair! Hahahahaha!

In my world, normality is a sin.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Johor Baru

Over the weekend (Saturday) I had to fly into JB for short meeting. I get in at 8.30am and am done by 10.30am. I can't get an earlier flight so am stuck with the 6.50pm return.

What does one do in JB? I don't particularly like JB although I think Johor has some of the hottest coolest babes around.

My affinity for JB is almost at a zero. I enjoyed the Ponster's fantastic yearly birthday bashes at the jungle retreat in Pulai. She made my trips to JB fun BUT on any other occasion I've had far from pleasing experiences. ONE main occasion has burnt a negative spot of JB in my mind.

Running a week long event in JB a coupa years ago, the town reared its ugly colors showing me that the supposed 'lies' in the Singapore media of JB being a lawless city could have a grain of truth. It was one of those crazy stays where you think you're in a Tucker Max movie (minus the endless sexual debauchery).

NOTE - Pictures are random takes from the web.



DAY ONE - there is a riot in the mall when the crowd gets over aggressive over a cheap housing promotion. Riot police (FRU) called in. My staff are threatened by the some members of the public when they are asked for free t-shirts by passersby who see our promotion booth. They are threatend with:

1. "tunggu kat luar, aku belasah"

2. "you ingat baju tu emas ke?"

3. flips the bird at our promoters (this was a 60 year old man)


The riot police move in 2 hours later. Being consistent with the JB mentality, one of them struts over (after the crowd has been put under control) and proceeds to ask us for a free t-shirt. His response to our negative answer is similar to the badly brought up crowd stated above with the exception of the extra threat of a waving police baton.


DAY TWO ; My client pulls out of a road shoulder. The car behind him, obviously irked that someone has challenged his manhood, speeds up, chases him down and runs him off the road.



DAY THREE - someone throws a dead cat onto the car of my client's rep in the area of the apartments we rented for some of the crew.


DAY FOUR - we go to a club to destress. We have a large group with us with hot promoter girls and members from our outdoor adventure consultants. - We are given the stare down when we get in and are warned by the bouncer - "we don't care if it's your fault or not. Even if our regulars starts trouble with you, we are kicking your ass." We feel touched by JB hospitality and move on to another bar. Again we get the dirty looks so end up drinking beers in a Chinese coffeshop somewhere near the Duty Free zone.

The same night, one of our staff has his car scratched outside the hotel.



DAY 5 - My outdoor consultants, bored in their hotel, hitch up some ropes to their beds and abseil out the hotel window about 20 stories from the ground. I'm given warning slightly before hotel management finds out.



DAY 6 - I'm walking back to the hotel about 4am, after making sure everyone has paid our bill at the one club that would let us in. Something in front of me 'flows' onto the street. Its greenish yellow under the streetlight. My mind does not comprehend. I think its some sludge. Then. It rears it's head and looks at me. Again my mind does not know what I'm seeing. My body is still walking towards it. I'm sober I know that. I look about the street and there is no one else there to verify that I am looking at a HUGE motherfucking snake in the middle of Johor Baru city. After about a minute, it recoils back into the darkness. My mind is still numb. Wondering how a python could get away chilling out in the concrete jungle.

The next morning I look our from my hotel (the Pan Pacific) and see a huge undeveloped land right next to the hotel (this was about ten years ago).

This was just some of the main incidents - we had other shit - love triangle among our vendors, an agency sending in some young bimbo to seduce my stupid outsourced event manager so he would bungle up our project, the last minute and almost daily hops into Singapore to help out another colleague there with another project AND being set up by the scum customs officers at Tuas who made us pay them money for not filling up some vague form (the currency declaration form which was outdated. When I showed them proof that I did not have to fill in the form when I used the Causeway they said "it lain, Tuas lain" followed by the threat they if we didn't pay they had the right to hold us for 6 hours. Since we were driving back and were already tired from a week long stay in JB, we settled up paying the clown RM150 to stop hassling us.

All this. IN JUST ONE WEEK.

So JB. There is not real reason to go there. AND it's true in some areas that Singaporeans are hassled in JB. I've Singaporean friends who loved coming into JB and on to Melaka for golf over the weekends. They've now stopped as they've been extorted twice in JB and so have some of their friends. Even the cab driver who took me back to the airport admitted that the sense of lawlessness perv ails in SOME parts of JB.

What DOES one do in JB? Cheaper accommodations for day trips into Singapore? Golf in Pulai? I've not other idea man.

AH CHAN! sorry i accidently published the unfinished post on Sunday morning!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

5 Things A Woman Can Say To Turn Me On

1. "You mean you like toys? That's so cool! You ever heard of the Spawn Series?"

2. Chindi - "Be careful, if you let go of the rope you'll hit the rocks below."

Girl X (after looking at the steep fall) - "Guess I wont have time to feel any pain huh?"


3. Chindi Part 2 - "FAK! just hold on! don't let go! Dont swing away from the rocks!"

Girl X (says calmly as she looks at the 200 meter fall onto jagged rocks below) - "Ummm... I think I'm getting a little scared now..."

Chindi - "Ahhhh, I'll have to grab your bum to pull you in!!!"

Girl X (just as calmly as earlier - "yeah sure, grab it now please."

4. Imagine this - I'm 17, the best female runner in the state calls out to me from the field - "Chindi, why you going back so fast? Wanna follow me get canai after I warm down?"

5. ~Nokia ring tone~ "Hey I'm at the London comic Con. They've got the Vader replica light saber on sale. Do you want one? I think I can get it packaged with a Clone trooper mini bust also."

Hmmm....

Another reason why i'm still single?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My Father's Son

Holy Genealogical Disasters Batman!

One of my utter most fears is rearing it's ugly head, hissing a ballad of anger and frustration. What I swore I never would be is now manifesting itself, a creeping surge of angst pulling a short fuse from my ass to my head.

My dad was Mr Quiet.  A great friend and one of the cool guys with a lot of friends. As his business ventures went to shit and he got used by so called 'good people' he degenerated into a scowling loner, venting his anger and frustrations at all and sundry. Eventually it did not help that he took to hiding out in a project in the forest reserve of Negri Sembilan and in my own personal words "he went native". He spent more time with the orang asli, Indonesian and Bangladeshi workers in the jungles than his own family. I am no saint. I dont go back home much. I really should not be judging but I'm just venting. Sometimes I dont even know if I use work as an excuse so I am not caught up with his moods whenever I get back to S'ban.

The most important thing he did to me was when he told me at the age of 15 "You don't have to ask me permission for anything anymore. Do anything you want, but if you get into any mess you sort it our yourself as I won't help you".  

Man, that messes with your head. 

Freedom comes with a disclaimer. So, I did whatever I did BUT with always a second thought. I watched my first porn at 17. Drank my first beer at 17. Got shitfaced drunk only when I was not driving. Only snuck into the all girls school at night only when we knew there were at least 2 escape routes, never did drugs in school, never smoked a cigarette unless hiking in the jungle (a shitty bug repellant) and ran away the first time a girl asked me to kiss her - 15 half. OKOK, that had nothing to do with second thoughts. It scared the shit out of me AND she was 17! C'mon give me a break...

Anyway, I've seen a good man degenerate into an angry frustrated older man. I'm sure he has unfulfilled dreams although it seems he has what any man ones - retired, a lovely hill side getaway home on a hill overlooking the Seremban valley with a forest reserve as his garden, 2 beautiful (and notorious) grandchildren, a loving a patient wife and one grumpy ass son who appears every 76 years riding on Halley's Comet's ass.

I see that now in the mirror every morning. Peekz asked me if I was like this all the time. I caught myself before replying a quite "no'. I had dreams. I wanted to make this world a better place. I used to be fun and I was considered one of the good guys. In the words of the Ex - "you're like that Jewel song - fashionably sensitive but too cool to care".

Now I'm fashionably nothing and one grumpy pain in the ass. How did I get this way?

By letting it get to me. By taking every job personally and blaming every moron and his pet ferret if they could not meet my demands. Shouting up a storm if office politicians committed crimes against humanity and especially getting personal when some bartender tells me they dont serve Perfect Pints of Guinness because they dont have enough glasses. (fuck you Laundry bar! Fuck my wing ass)

There is no way I'm going down the Daddy Chindiana path. No way am i going to be 67 and acting up the Grinch for the rest of my life. Baby steps first. 

Today I wont get mad. 

Today I going for Yoga.

Tomorrow I hope to get that Yoga instructor's phone number.

Thursday I book my flight to KK - Nex and I will road trip from KK to Brunei in December. Its not far but I haven't been down the trunk roads of East Malaysia. Road trips with Nex are always fun.

Saturday I send in my proposals for a new project in 2 countries. If one bites, Operation Bar By The Beach will be one tiny step closer. In 3 years I'm going to wake up to the sounds of waves breaking on the shores and the wind rustling the leaves of the palm fronds on my porch.

I hope this is not the same dream my dad had.....


Friday, November 13, 2009

My Grandchildren Will Not Need Credit Cards

"ring ring!"

"Hello?"

Machine voice - "Your credit card payment is overdue. Please call us to find out your outstanding bill?"

WTF?

Now they don't even have the decency to ask you personally to pay your balance? I've got to CALL back?

Banks, hospitals, insurance companies all claiming to work towards preparing us all for a safer, financially secure and healthy future are no better than flesh eating, zombie cats hiding behind false smiles and greedy eyes.

My kids (if ever I get around to this ~shudder~) will trade with vintage GI Joes, the original Star Wars plastic caped Jawa, gold, a coupla vintage Barbie dolls and of course multiple editions of every Miley Cyrus record every produced.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Bored In An Airport


Welcome to my life...



You haul ass through the Bangkok traffic. You think you're late. The cabbie bolts up a ramp and hits the highway and pretty soon Suvarnabhumi Airport appears in front like a monstrous giant metallic octopus under the bright Thai sunshine.

"Holy fuck, where did that shortcut come from...?"

Daaaaaaaaaaammit. Now I've got almost 2 hours to kill in an airport that really gives me nothing to do. Luckily there's still some juice in the camera's batteries. I kill time with by wondering around the airport snapping away.

A heron (or is it a crane) sits contemplating the intricacies of the psyche of travellers of the world who live via the various conveyor belts of transportation mediums as they hurry from one continent to another just to discuss lines of words on crisp sheets of newly printed paper from their secretaries Canon's...


What happens to annoying kids who get lost in airports - they get turned into candy dispensing Autobots


One lost pagoda/shelter/whatever


The Swirls! The Swirls!

Monday, November 9, 2009

I Love Makeovers


Harley Quinn from the old Batman the Animated Series cartoon
(created almost 20 years ago)



Her latest incarnation in the Batman:Arkham Asylum Eidos game.
Kids, they just grow up so fast don't they?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Sales Men

Ironic that the cultural gap has not decreased in the years of so called professed globalization. I love it when European or American sales dudes make a call following the age old mantra of:

- Be aggresive
- Never take NO for an asnwer
- Badger/beat down their resistance
-Only one product is King and you have it.
- MAKE THE SALE TODAY.

The Asian way is of course;
- non confrontational
- It is rude to turn someone down abruptly (even if they are trying to sell you a 3 legged warthog)
- Must get general company consensus before committing to a purchase

If thought balloons were part of the physical world, daily exchanges between Western salesmen and potential Asian buyers would go somethings like this:

Juergen Bubba Yeltsin : "Good Morning Mr Ah Beng, I'm calling from Infinity Warthog and Son. I'm sure you've heard of us. We're the regional giants in the supply of three legged warthogs who make excellent receptionists. We hear that you're expanding regionally in the market so we would like to work with you to meet your expansion needs as we feel that we can very much be a part of supplying elements to your brand DNA?"
THINKS TO SELF : "Oh yeah, Juergen's gonna ace this. You need what I have but you just dont know it yet Chongy boy"

Chong Ah Beng : "Ahhh, Good morning, good morning."
THINKS TO SELF "Huh? ma lan hai sei gwai lo... Not yet finish my kopi and yee cha kueh and the cibai early early call already."

JBY - "Well Mr. Ah Beng, we actually sent the proposal to your Group Chairman last month but it seems you're actually in charge. We didn't mean to overstep your position. So I'd like to touch base as I assume you've already seen our proposal that we've cut off a bulk off the initial purchase price. This is the best deal you're going to be getting in the market for this quarter. Can I put you down for 3 warthogs and 2 ferrets?"

CAB - "Yes i give your proposal to my staff to read"
THINKS TO SELF - "MR CHONG la. You think everybody want to put family name in the backside like you meh" (NOTE - most asians would never correct this mistake as it would result in a loss of face for the foreigner AND their western counterparts would normally be embarrassed when they find out this doodoo - does not include the younger gen educated abroad.)

JBY - "So I tell you what, how about you get a report back from your staff and then I'll call you tomorrow say after lunch and we can close the deal?"
THINKS TO SELF - "c'mon. c'mon you sunavabitch, what the fuck, can't you make a decision? what kind of a director are you?"

CAB - " Can, can. No probrem. Tomorrow you call me la."
THINKS TO SELF - "WTF this gwailo - he think my staff work so fast ah? His fucking proposal already 80 cibai slides. Sure the fucking contract 500 pages dunno wat the fuker hide inside there. Call me tomorrow la kanenai. After lunch I think I go Cititel third floor look for Ah Girl give me Hot and Cold service."

JBY - " I tell you what Chong, how about I speak to your staff in charge of the review. Maybe I can help him along."
THINKS TO SELF - "Hopefully your staff has more brains and balls to make a call you little twit"

CAB - "Can, can. You speak to Manimaniam Karrupiah. His England very good. Your product is good but must get my deparment all to agree first lor"
THINKS TO SELF "Wah lau...fuker no give me face! Now think want up me. OK lor, you want tokok I let you tokok ler. Better I call my cousin sister. Think she can give me 4 legged warthog plus one extra new aircon for my house."

JBY - Thats fantastic Chong. Good man! I can see we're a great fit together. I tell you what, you get the proposal signed off tomorrow and I can get you the final contract in your hands by teatime. 
THINKS TO SELF - Thats right prick. You're going to take what I give you. One deal done even before the morning coffee gets cold. How cool is that?" 

CAB  - "Thanks you, thanks you. We talk again tomorrow ok?"
THINKS TO SELF - Sign? Sign my cock ah! Coffee now cold. Tiu, how to eat my yee cha kueh now?

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

And They Call Me....

Gotta admit, this is a FIRST AND so way out from left field!

I left a comment on Ashley's blog and one of her friends who commented agreed with the views of Chindiana who she figured was really called.......

wait.....

WAIT.......

WAIT FOR IT.......

DIANA CHIN

-_-

As Ash pointed out - I wrestle bears for breakfast my whole life and then I get called girls names. All those scars putting the smackdown on those ferocious beasts for nothing. Those bears finally have the last laugh....

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Sunday

In Singapore's Changi airport now. we should be boarding now. The plane is actually already here. Way cool being 40 minutes early. Either that or the pilot can't wait to turnaround for belated happy hours back in KL. Am tired. The weeks of regular travel is catching up with me. I need something to pep me up. Megan Fox waiting at home to lap dance the fatigue away when I get home would be nice. Would help if she had a tub of ice cream and a thong. sometimes these are the things that keep me happy for the next 3 hours before I walk through the apartment door smelling like a pig's armpit.