Thursday, October 29, 2009
Which god's arse though? There are so many choices. See, the Muslims have one god. The Christians have three gods. And we Hindus have 36 million gods. Making a grand total of 36 million divine arses for me to choose from."
- excerpt from, The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga
Note - Thanks to Ah Chong for the sharingzzzz
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Used to moving fast and decisively it's been astounding at the amount of time trying to smoothen over sensitive egos, trying to maneuver around the odd requests for more money, suppliers recommended by supposedly friendly parties who are trying to take us for a ride, wolves in their best sheep clothing trying to sabotage the project from within, and so forth.
The young team that I had assembled who enlisted on the call to create a dream out of idealism is now suddenly recovering from the toils of working with self serving culprits. Yes we know this happens in the real world but how consistently it has manifested itself in all around us is scary. Nightmare On Elm Street scary.
I need some old war horses to prop up my team. I need to keep them fresh and idealistic for more battles ahead. I need EXPERIENCE and PATIENCE and CONTROL and CALM and THE ABILITY TO SEE THE GOOD EVEN IN ALL THINGS SCUM FUCKED.
If any of youse has the following people on speed dial or MSN please ask them to email me at email@example.com (they have been strongly recommended by my head hunting company of Fett and Son) :
Mahatma Gandhi - Sales
The ability to convince and educate narrow minded Marketing Directors that they need not listen to their ad agencies all the time. Essential to show them the strength to thread new directions in marketing strategies
Mother Theresa - Client Servicing
Patience is essential in handling bullying clients with ridiculous demands.
Buddha - Regional Government Relations
Jesus - Finance
The ability to turn ass holes into saints and a wrecked balance sheet into the Garden of Eden
Genghis Khan - Credit Controller
To simply ensure our collection is on schedule. Ability to maim when confronted with answers such as "my director not around to sign" or "sorry we spelt your company with two extra ii's and the odd 'z' and 'q on the check. Give us another 3 weeks and we'll send you another check after our director comes back from holiday"
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Admitting to liking a Miley Cyrus song is like Beckham admitting to wearing this wife's panties.
It would be like Stallone admitting he hugs stuffed Hallot Kitty dolls in bed or that Alex Ferguson letting on that he wears Liverpool boxers.
It would be like ME admitting that I'm bopping to Party in the USA while driving on the Federal Highway stuck up to my ass full of cars during the after office Friday snarl-up.
I feel slightly sheepish but Holy Teeny Boppers Bopping Batman! This little ditty is infectious!
Play this on a Monday morning! That coffee will taste much better. You'll be transported back to a simpler time with padded shoulder pads, school uniforms that were always one size too large or too small and getting in trouble in school for sporting a mullet.
Me shy. Please don't tell my staff.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
pointed out to me by Angiechong last night ironically during a screening of Tantarino's Inglorious Basterds.
"I'm not in the mood"
"Just write about something. Anything. Something happy!" she chirped sunnily. "Like flowers!"
An uncomfortable 5 seconds of silence ensues.....
"I dont know anything about flowers woman. Which one do you want?"
'Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........ummmmmmmmmmmmm..... how bout daffodils?"
Here we are.
Are yellow. I think. Maybe sometimes blue when they they have too much whisky. Daffodils grow in less humid conditions as I've never heard a woman in Malaysia ask for them by name. Except for blog post requests to the most famous unknown blogger in Malaysia. They're probably all the range in Europe and the US of A.
The buggers grow in God's good earth that is being screwed up the ass by the the Lord's most favored Children. In the future it is certain that we will be witnessing the rise of a mutant breed of daffodils created from contaminated soil and acid rains. They will have 4 legs, raise up to about 4 feet tall (what? you were expecting Godzilla like proportions? C'mon this is real!), will learn how to operate heavy machinery with panache and are somewhat creatively inclined, often claiming credit for the invention of colored contact lenses. Daffodils are all called Bob as they are able to converse with the world only in Jamaican.
Sometimes they like to sample the happy hours at Brussels as the Hoegarden special is especially pleasing. Otherwise good old H20 in any form will suffice.
Daffodils posses the charm of playful kittens therefore making great flirts and the occasional FUBU. Having said all that daffodils are know to be somewhat hopeless romantics when it comes to Jennifer Aniston movies.
Sometimes in the wee hours of the morning before the sun breaks the sullen darkness of the pre-dawn night, Daffodils can be see practicing the ancient art of 'tai-chi' under trees in the park with a boom box softly playing Mariah Carey.
Daffodils. A wonder of the world.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Monday - I try to run about a futsal court to ease the pain. Seems fine during the game but pain comes back with a vengence Tuesday morning.
Tuesday morning - I realize its probably a combo of mental stress, physical stress from lugging a heavy back pack over the weekend excursions to Singapore and Jakarta, sever lack of sleep - 3-4 hours a day for the past 2 weeks, late nights and my birthday drinking binge. All this syndromes camped up on my already badly abused lower back.
So - I hit my old faithful the Chinese acu pressure dude - who proceeds to grind away at my 'chi' points. Funny thing 'chi'. It BLOODY MOVES about your body. The pain on the wing and top half of my back eased up quite well BUT when i stood up I had this weird sensation rushing down into my groin area and my legs. As i half collapsed to the ground all I could remember was growling 'whatthefuk wei!!!" Acupressure Dude excitedly said it was the chi moving out from the sore points. He had another round of massaging the points and told me to go home and drink lots of water.
Fail - now i had legs of rubber. Walking like a drunk duck, with my ass sticking out miserablly behind me as i was too stiff to stand up straight.
I figured I'd just go home early and rest - hand phone off and no checking email. I pull out Season One of Reaper, bought some crisps and drinks and camped out on the sofa the entire evning and slept at 10pm. - no bloody help.
Wednesday - pain now only concentrated at lower back and left wing muscles. Legs back in working order. Today was a trying day I had an event in the evening and more work in the morning. Could not take a break.
I arrive at the event at about 6.30pm. They have set up the best VIP hospitality suite. I manage to refrain from drinking anything. By the halfway mark I have to conduct a meeting so hold court in the VIP suite. Of course one does not let his guest drink alone. I call up a Heineken. Meeting quickly finishes. Old friend turns up - Heineken 2. My staff is stressed so buy her a cold beverage and order up Heiny 3. I start running about to sort somethings out with a bottle in hand. And. The. Pain. Is. Gone.
Just a little twinge but otherwise all good.
So what is this you ask in disbelief? Well, its called Happy Hour for a reason innit? Happy is the best muscle relaxant in the world. And the mental pysche plays a HUGE part in what your brain says to your body.
So if you booze addled brain is humming "Sweet Home Alabama" in a dangdut beat, the rest of your body is going to be a happy camper too.
Anyway the pain is almost gone. The x-rays show no bone drama although I think I will need an MRI soon. Just no time this week.
So. Strongly recommended in times of trouble, forget looking into the skies for a man in blue spandex or calling your girl friend's rich dad - head down to the closest bar and order up an ice cold friend (with crispy luncheon meat side order) and the wonders of the world will envelope your being in zen-ish fuzziness. Where the world is a better place filled with laughter and slightly slurring exchanges of drunken wisdom from all and sundry who have more than 4 mugs of golden goodness.
Monday, October 12, 2009
I know. I'm brilliant. Enstein's looking down from Heaven thinking "that's one smart peanut. Good looking too.."
So here I am, feeling sorry for myself (AGAIN) and cuddling up to my hot water bottle, wondering how to entertain the millions and millions of you readers who worship the random ranting the the most famous unknown blogger on the planet. (Damn you Kenny Sia, Damn YOU!!! You've made Malaysians worship paid advertising blogs! )
Tomorrow i read contracts, try to make sense of some TV deals while trying to kick start my marketing program with the budget of a stale McChicken and a coconut husk full of monkey crap. Ingenuity will be the order of the day. Unfortunately I'm rarely ingenius without at least 3 jugs of Henieken and two vodka Red Bulls.
I scared the office cleaning lady last Friday. I had come into the office at 7am and was working on the lap top with just one light on. I heard she told someone that she saw something disturbing through the glass and thought it was an angry spirit. Must remember to smile photogenically when trying to open a FRAKKIN' Mac powerpoint presentation that has not been converted...
Somehow the favor i asked to postpone a flight has been pushed to next week - this is the Bali trip where I'm supposed to take on Mount Agung. 6 hours of pain to the top and another 6 down. The back is bad. I havent done anything for the last two weeks. My knees are still dodgy and the descent should fuk both knees up my ass (whatever that means).
SO. Bali. What to do?
1. Hit the beach
2. Head to Batur Lake and reexplore the Sounther caldera and chill by the lake.
3. Find some hot adventorous woman and book up a resort among the padi fields in Ubud
4. Take on Agung and pay the price for my foolishness (so far I'm going alone.Nex! want come?)
5. Take on Agung with a hot adventorous woman and book that resort in the padi fields in Ubud.
Friday, October 9, 2009
I can't sit longer than 20 minutes without the back sizing up. AND i have to hit Singapore and Jakarta and back to KL in the next two days.
Hope I'm not forced to use a squat toilet for a petai shit in the meantime...
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Funny that a lot of people had evacuated the buildings. And were staring at the top of the buildings. I mean if your building is shaking, one would assume the fault would lie in the foundations. Unless you've got Godzilla and King Kong perched on the roof having teh tarik and curry puffs.
Anyway I insisted that whatever it was it was probably far away or else we would have been fucked anyway. I really needed a beer after a long day and as long as the bar across the road was still standing I was heading back indoors.
The initial reports we got were outdated news - we berry googled immediately and were informed about the day old news about the tsunami in Samoa and NOT the actual earthquake in Padang, Sumatra. If we felt it here I think the death toll is going to be a lot higher than 20 people.
So we have a tsunami and an earthquake in the region a day apart. Even when I was going to Manado a few months back, Dee a friend of mine from Indonesia had already warned me about hiking the volcanoes as most of the volcanoes in Indonesia - Bali, Manado , etc had recently become active. So the signs were there. The Ring of fire around the Pacific rim is/was getting active. Something was going on down there.
At least the property prices in Bali might go down a little. Anyone want to share in investing in some beach front property?