I don't really enjoy weddings. It's just about people getting dressed up and putting on a pantomime while getting camel pissed at the end. Back in the day, in a far off more innocent time, OR if you live in Batang Berjuntai then it's 'here and now', weddings were:
1. A great way to meet Hotties dressed up in their sexiest neck plunging cleavage bearing best - Eurasian weddings
2. Eat as much as you wished at a curry buffet of the best Indian food in town - Indian weddings
3.Get drunk for free because your parents already gave the wedding 'ang pow' and get a chance to sing with equally bad karaoke singers - Chinese Weddings
4. Eat, chill and chat up with girls while wearing jeans and t-shirt in a kampung wedding in the middle of a coconut and palm plantation with great hot satay, rendang, roti jala and Zainal Abidin crooning 'Hijau' on the radio - Malay Weddings
5. Eat great food for free, get drunk for free, chat up super hot babes, get beaten up by super angry drunk boy friends who then get bitch slapped by their own mothers for disgracing the family name - Punjabi weddings
Now, everyone and their cat is getting married in 5 star hotels. Everything is sorta standardized. Everybody has speeches, a band, speech by best man, speech by father of groom, speech by father of bride, speech my groom, bride sings a song of love to groom, the pain in the ass video compilation of moments in their lives, the elaborate pouring of champagne and cutting of cake and bloody hell, even the first serving of the Chinese Four Seasons dish has it's own grand entrance with it's OWN THEME SONG! And it's almost always........ Europe's Final Countdown!!!!! An oxymoron at a wedding?
Stone Cold Steven Austin has entrance music, as does Darth Vader and the evil Empire, but when the Four Seasons starter dish has a theme song, someone's lost the plot or just suffering from illusions of grandeur. So if my abalone has a theme song people might think I've got a 20ft dick? Cue Final Countdown and watch my ego grow! Yeah baby, yeah! Whatever dude...
Do you notice that the father of the groom is always the odd man out? Yes, he says the standard welcome of the bride into the family, yadayadayada, yawn..... and almost always ends it with hoping she will bear him many grand children followed by sniggers from the crowds. But that's it. He has no place in there actually. He's just holding up the free flow of whisky. The groom has to get his ass up and make like the man of the moment. After all it's his day and the missus who normally sits cool and lets the man do all the work. The bride's father tries to upstage all by crying about losing his baby girl and this normally works until he gets back to his table and starts knocking back Johnny Black and starts getting racaous. The best man stands out because of the lame ass jokes while he tries to flirt with the bride's best friend. So the father of the groom tries to be stoic and cool but eventually this is a role that should be phased out of weddings. Let the father of the groom just sit at the head table and shout out the lyrics to Final Countdown when the waiters bring out the first meal of the day. He just might upstage the drunk best man...
Anyway, weddings. I dont feel confomfortable because:
1. It seems an elaborate show to try to convince the world that getting hitched is the beginning of a wonderful journey into a land of romance, love, slow mo moments of running to each other in Putrajaya, looking wistfully at each other on a bridge in Putrajaya and having beautiful children who will look like angels (only if the picture is taken in Putra Jaya). All put on. Its a Lookit Me Mom show for family and friends. Its for you to show the LURVE and for others to show their support. Bottom line it's a charade. How many old dudes (young and old) you see in that room were not just spending at least one day in the past month in the company of Scarlett and Apple and Fanny in the Pink Lady Louge playing that dice game? How many of the smiling old ladies are actually calculating the costs of the wedding to ensure that their daughter's big day is going to be on a much grander scale? C'mon these are facts. It's true, and just so you folks don't called me a menopausing camel bitch, I've left out the other 998 reasons why it's a charade.
2. Getting the groom drunk so we can laugh at him (Chinese weddings) - what the fuck is this about??? Guys trying to get one poor sod to bust his liver so they can see him puke all over his balls and then they can take pictures and tag said sod on Facebook? AND these are his best friends!!!. Any one worth his salt will follow the groom around ALL the tables and drink WITH the Man of the Moment. Or else they have no say and no right to force the clown even in the name of 'face'.
3. Guests Must Color Coordinate Their Outfits To Wedding Theme Colors - holy crap sticks! Brides are REALLY exercising executive power here. Not content with color coordinated ball room, wedding cards, wedding cake, back drop, gowns, Mercedes, bride's maids, flower girls, family poodle, etc, NOW even the guests have to blend in with the green polka dot and purple pillar wrappings in the main reception hall?
4. The Wedding Videos - Seriously, - the baby pictures, you in your sailor outfit at 6, and you singing in your first school concert, your college pictures, mullet and all, the obligatory hunk and babe pictures to show how you've grown, the obligatory graduation pictures, the pictures of you with famous people.... Why? We know you already. Those who don't are probably those long lost relatives that your mum 'owes' an invite to because they invited her to their kid's wedding. Ditch the videos people because those who know you will be bored AND some will be filling in the blanks:
You in sailor outfit - dad thinks, "yeap that's about the time I had to sell my golf club membership to start saving for his college fund. Little punk."
You in College - Ex- boy friends and then some - "damn, that time behind the school, in my dad's car, at her house, on her parent's bed....."
Groom on beach with friends - some gay dude in crowd goes, "and I so believed him when he said he loved me..."
5.The ang pows for the hotel dinner - This sets me back at least RM100. And if it's a close friend you're expected to pop a bit more. I miss the old skool weddings in town halls, the local restaurants and at family homes. You pay a lot less and you can even get away with recycling some old toaster or that Selangor Pewter photo frame that some of those mentally challenged people out there who still believe that this is the epitome of cool for a birthday/Christmas/going away/ Bon voyage present.
Yes, yes, wedding are nice and special and is a shared time of treasured moments that is heart warming and tugs at the hearth strings of all in attendance and reminds us of the union of two souls that embrace life together and are willing to share, sacrifice and YAAAAAAWWWWN......and you know, all that stuff. This is just a reason why weddings make me uncomfortable. Maybe one day I'll write what are the positives about it but until then, I remain,
The Grinch of Weddings Past, Present and Future.