Thursday, January 29, 2009

What Makes Me Listen To Andrea Bocelli

Read the following and just play the clip even if its for one minute. And you would have shared a part of my Thursday.

"~Nokia Ring Tone~"

"Halo.."

"Ehhhh Chindiiiiiiiiiiii my brudder! Happy New Year my friend!"

"Hey, thanks man."

"Hey so about that quotation you wanted. I know its late but still can get in? I got the deal man. Damn good!"

"Sigh.... Dude the deadline was last Friday la. I already extended 3 weeks for you. The client's very disappointed with me. You sure you have confirmed numbers?"

" Of course my brother! I got all the separate territories. I'm forwarding you each contracts."

".................. wha.... What EACH contract? You're the agent. I told you to console all into one master contract and we sign with you."

"But you want it right so this is the best way what. These South Americans don't do business like we do here."

"YES I want it but not in pieces la! Bloody hell the legal shit will be up to my balls la if anything goes wrong! How are the contracts? Are they OK? Is the client protected?

"Why don't I send to you? You can have a look. I'll work on combining into one contract."

"Sigh... OK la...How do the contracts look? Solid?"

"Not sure yet boss but I'll get it translated and email to you."

"Translated? WTF for???

"Ohhh... nothing they are in Spanish...."

Anger Leads to Hatred and Hatred to the Dark Side

It's scary when a regular reader like Solo can tell me she knows I'm going through a stressful time just by reading this blog. AND she's not the only one! But why? WHY???? I post about pretty ladies. I even put up pictures of weddings. WEDDINGS demmit! AND statues of Ironman even. I really don't think anything negative seeped into these posts.

Things are tough going. Work I can handle but people ARE getting to me. I'm getting edgy and impatient with scum, snakes, office politicians and every other mofo and his pet camel whose out to make some under table money. Part of every day life BUT its finally getting to me. So I'm finding myself staying away from large groups of party people or family functions as I'm not really feeling very hospitable at this moment. That bar by the beach is looking increasingly inviting. It's either in KK or in Bali. Bali would be risky as the costs would be higher but returns would be reasonable. I have a soft spot for KK but the only patrons in the bar would be Nex, myself, an illegal Indonesian bar tender and two goats. And Nex only drinks Coke although he has been known to down a Heineken, that is if I can tie him down and tube feed him the booze.

BUT it's really not that bad. I'm not going to go postal on my neighbor's stupid cat who tries to hump every stray squirrel that wonders into the common yard. PLUS I'm fast tracking my beach getaway. The surf, beers, some bob marley and maybe a coupla nights on a boat should do the trick at least until I get to KK in March. (NEX!!!!! gimme the dates man or else i'm making my own plans!)

Btw, using profanity is not necessarily a sign of tension or angst.

I have heard you. It is clear to me now that some of you are disturbed by my use of profanity in some of my posts. The use of the word FUCK does not make me a kidnapper of kittens, a snatch thief or worse, an Amway sales rep. It's just a natural expression, like a fart. For example, when The Undertaker pile drives Mankind through a 20 foot high steel cage, a natural expression would be "FUCK!" and not sit back with a hot cup Darjeeling and go "That's a rather stupid thing to do. Jolly good tea this..."

What you see is just what was reeling through my mind microseconds before my finger tapped the laptop keypad. I hardly edit my posts let alone censor them as this is a personal log. So yeah if the profanity does make you uncomfortable well I'll try to put up some parental advisory signs on the posts.

AND those light sabers between Superman and Green Lanterns thighs ARE MEANT to be light sabers CLENCHED between their thighs. They're not censorcensorcensor.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!



So the year of the Ox comes in at an opportune time. The Golden Ox shall sweep aside the ragged economy and bring on more prosperity for most of us except the those poor fellers born in the year of the Monkey, Horse and what's the other one?

Besides being a hopeless son and a clueless Hindu, I'm also a bad half Buddhist (having liberal parents of mixed parentage who let me party on both sides of religious platforms only brought about some confusion in my religious inclinations). The only things I do is TRY is not to eat beef (so far I eat beef once in 2 years normally for clients in Korea), I do the Chin Beng bit where funnily my Chinese dad has no mood for it, so its up to me and my aunt where once a year we stumble about a Chinese grave yard looking for my grand father's grave to share a meal with him.

Once a year during the Chinese new year I'm reminded of my Chinese heritage. The re-union dinner is a novelty for a family of anti social misfits. My mum exercised executive power and gets us to do the sit down every year. TO be honest its good. It reminds me that family stays with you no matter where you lay your hat.

On this day I contend with people telling to:

1. Not start work on the 4th of day of the Chinese New Year as it's bad luck

2. Sleep in red underwear so you'll catch the attention of the God of Prosperity

3. Don't sweep the house on during the first couple of days as I'll be sweeping the good luck away. (that includes not cutting my hair on the first two days)

I used to ignore it. Now I try to respect it all ALTHOUGH I'm still not comfortable sleeping in red Calvin Kleins waiting for a Chinese deity to jump me with with a sack of prosperity.


This is is our grandfather's house in the Rahang new village in Seremban. We grew up here when my aunties used to baby sit us when our parents went to work. It's a typical new village house. Back in the day even cops were a little hesitant to come into a Chinese new village. Many bad asses lived here. Now it's a totally different ball game. Time has made bad asses move on and out with families of their own seeking better lives. Now what would have been unthinkable in the past there are Indian families living here Rahang New Village.



My aunt refuses to move from here. My grandfather has long since passed on and she says she's lived here her whole life and she doesn't want anything more. This is her home. Looking at this and not being an elitist prick, I think we take too much for granted in our lives nowadays. We spend RM40 for a jug of beer. For my aunt that's a week of groceries.


Just wondering around the old playground and took some pics.




My 'ah kung's' old abacus. I think I broke the first one. :P


The coil joss stick for the new year.


The Rahang New Village in Seremban.

The Rahang New Village is one of 2 in Seremban, the other being the Rasah New Village. To you young 'uns the New Villages was a tactic by the British to control and monitor the Chinese population during the Communists era where the Chinese were being courted by the Red boys.

They had a hard reputation as I mentioned earlier. Years ago, as I looked Malay, my aunt would never allow me to send her back if she came visiting as she was afraid that I would be stopped by some of the local boys who might take offence at a Malay looking dude driving in their neighborhood. The first time she let me (after I basically forced her into my car) she kept telling to to call her neighbor(she doesn't own a telephone) if anything happened along the 2 minute drive out to the main road. Although my ego took a hit I just knew there would be nothing to stop her and her posse of mahjong partners descending on the local thugs with shouts and screams of "what would your mother think???" in her mission to save her hapless nephew.

Anyway, things have changed. The Opposition and MCA now take care of the area as it has a strong voting presence, the bad boys have long since moved out and now Indian families share the neighborhood. Things are still quiet and most still live in the past. It holds memories for me but mostly forgotten for that once a year when I go back for CNY prayers.

Anyway, hope the holidays have been good to you.

GONG HEI FATT CHOY PEOPLE!!!

AND TO THE NON CHINESE - HOPE YOU GUYS ARE HAVING A GREAT HOLIDAY!

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Women of Johor



I run through lists in my head when I'm stuck in traffic. And this time around it settled on what makes a woman attractive. Not so much in a physical sense but more as in the overall package.

So it's like this. Stuck on the Federal Highway. Bumper to bumper and I start running thorough what I thought was cool, attractive and special in a woman. Things that set them apart from the dead eyed, career grouches and self appointed eternal victims out there. Things that make them Ramly Burger Spesel, a Kobe beef treat, some one you can take home to see momma, meet the Queen of England and yet have your back in a street fight with Martian invaders:

1. Vivacious

2. A certain amount of babe factor (why claim otherwise?)

3. Smart but not in the irritating know-it all kind of way

4. Worldly - someone you can just spend hours talking to about anything from Neil Gaiman to Parisian food to the best hiking trails in China and even engaging in heated discussions on the demerits on the criteria for Sainthood in these modern times.

5.A fun sense of humour

6. Confident

7. Independent

8. A good friend in need

Of course there were a few more attributes that tried to squeeze in, like "lips like Angelina Jolie, butt like Jennifer Biel, legs like Giselle" which I had to beat off with a stick in the name of reality. Aaaaaand also that I am no Leonardo or JT.

So names start popping up. The women that I've known, from friends, colleagues, the 2 Exs, the occasional dates which morphed into friendships, etc, etc.

And then its there! Sitting on the hood of my bonnet a vision! A declaration!

The majority of them all come from Johor! Of course there are girls from KL, Penang and Seremban and even scary Klang, but the sheer numbers and consistency came from our Southern state. 5 girls in total - smart, funny, quirky, great fun to be around, laid back yet not to be messed with, a great, great sense of humor, an easy laugh, great to have back up in times of need and ALL hotness personified.

Thank god most Johor girls are working in KL or Singapore because if I'd have to move there I don't think I could survive the bad drivers and the scary club scene over there. Techno and triads still haven't found a soft sport in my heart.

I've left out names of course just in case the Stalker Gene gets activated in some of you jantans out there.

But today I present 5 reasons (in my world) why Johor has the highest concentration of That Special Woman in Malaysia.









Majulah Perempuan Johor Untuk Negara.

Note - I would like to thank my friends for allowing me to use their pictures on this blog AND NO I haven't dated any of them.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Cock Block



"C'mon boys! Clench them thighs! The one who can hold up his light saber longer gets my phone number"

As described in Wikipedia:

To cockblock an individual (usually a male) is a term used to describe the act of someone seeking to stop a person's sexual advances towards someone else. A cockblock or cockblocker is a person who engages in such obstruction or intervention.

According to an article by a freelance writer, Joshua Bernstein, in the in the New York Press, cockblocking is a "foul act in which someone interferes with another’s attempt at finding happiness inside someone’s pants.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

3 days to go

Holy Fu.... dge Batman!!! Stress bugs squirm up my veins. I'm tense. It's like a crap storm dumped it's load on my ass and is making a U-turn around the bend and coming back for me with a drunken sneer of joy.

Been running about the whole day. Tired but adrenaline refuses to allow me to catch peaceful ZZZs.

Home now. Tired and tense. Put kettle on. Put in a Motown CD in the LG. Shower.

The weather is cool and there's a slight wind through the sliding door that opens up into the night. Hot Milo, a peanut better sandwich and Toy Fare magazine. Almost perfect.

Then Randy Crawford comes on and sings about a lonely night in Georgia. I put the magazine down and turn off the lights. The lights from the houses and street lamps across the hill is all that keeps me and Randy company as I sip the just now warm Milo and take another bite from the Gooberz filled sandwich.

Little pleasures.

Perfect.

Friday, January 16, 2009

An Oasis in A Shitstorm

It's funny how we find relief in the least expected places. Yesterday was a trying day. Very. Trying.

Urgent emails, phone calls, sms-es were raining down on my already grumpy ass. I too had to send out emails. phone calls and bitchy sms-es while driving around town from one meeting to another. PLUSSSSSS - I had an tourism related article to finish that was waaaaay behind schedule. It didn't help that the wireless in the office was not working!

I drove out and found a quiet corner to multi-task. Something we men do so very, very well.

Kinabalu mountain throws out tantalizing whispers of lore and legend even as you trek through the pine forests on your way up the the granite giant that seems to slumber among the mists of the fledgling dawn. Your guide ahead looks back to check on you and...

"~Nokia Ringtone~"

"Yeah?"
"Boss, the Malaysian manager said his regional boss doesn't want to do it!"
"WHAT???"
"Yeah! He said his boss said they were swamped and said they had no time."
"Wathefukman!!! It simple only what! And the regional dude already said no prob!"
"Dunno boss, the local dude asked to you call his boss!"
"Give me the local flers number first. I wanna check."

Dial.dial.dial.dial.dial.dial

"Hello? Hey apa ler? Your boss kata tak boleh ah? Simple aje ler? HUH? Eh!!!! I said just tell me what you can do. BUKAN ALL la! you ada convey to your boss tak? Ada???? OKOK, i call dia. Thanks"

dial.dial.dial.dial.dial.dial

"Bro! hey wassup? yeah you free tomorrow? Yeah la, tot come over yum cha. Hey that thing can we just go over it again tomorrow? Can? OK man, set! See you early la, kena breakfast. K, bye."

"sigh."

...."Ok...um..." type typetaptap tapity tap tap...... standing on the top of Low's Peak you look across Sabah as the warm reddish yellow hue of the morning sun starts to creep across the cold rocky landscape and starts to bathe the Land Below The Wind with warmth and colors. You wish that moment could be saved in your soul like....

PHONE RINGS.

"Chindy!"
"Yes Dato sir."
"Can you give me the proposal? I haven't seen it yet?"
"I sent to your PA on Monday sir."
"Really???? Sure? okok I check."
"Ok."

looooooooooooooooong sigh.

Kuala Kubu Baru is charm personified. Cliched as it is, the only words I can use - the little town that time forgot. Sitting in the little Indian restaurant eating fresh roti canai on a Saturday morning, sipping hot strong coffee as KKB wakes up in the morning, makes you yearn for the power to cloak the town from the encroaching threat of......

PHONE RINGS.

"Chindiana! Hey sorry man, my PA just printed for me. I will read this moment!"
"Haha! No prob sir. Take care and see you next month."

......."mother f......"


You will eventually startle a jungle fowl hiding in the tall lalang grass as the island is a haven for avian squatters. Seagulls, hawks and even storks swoop and dance on the warm sea breeze in the slightly muggy afternoon air. The trail is endless and you just know there will be some relic of the past hiding among overgrown bushes, short trees or peeking between the oil palm trees. The red earth crunches comfortingly under your Nikes.......

I check my email.

"Dammit!!!!"

Dial dialdialdialdialdial.

"Hey, you don't have the contact for the editors? But I thought...... Ooooh, you only have the editors for the Monkey Weddings sub section. But earlier I was told that... never mind. Um okok. let me see what i can do."

dialdialdialdialdial.

"Bro, your girl friend has a list for all the editors for the Horny Humanitarian sections of magazines and papers?" Fantastic dude! Can ask her to email me? Thanks man! We kena breakfast tomorrow? Um..wait, how bout day after? Can? Set man! Dim sum? Fuck la you fat bugger....haha! okok.... Take care man!"

And as the kayaks reach the open sea a a monkey with a horny humanitarian rammed up his arse wanders over from the ocean floor, drunk like a shit faced piece of......

"sigh...."

deletedeletedeletedeletedeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelete.

and as the kayaks reach the open sea we hear our friends behind us shout out in delight. They are pointing above us and reaching for their cameras. It's fantastic. We're being tracked by sea eagles who are following our kayak convoy across the Straits of Malacca. They're majestic as they wing above us like an escort of WW2 Corsairs above a naval fleet. In the bright sun soaked sky the eagles look almost golden as they stay the course with us until we reach the rocky outcrop that was to be our pit stop for lunch. Lunch is sandwiches. Home made bread from Ipoh sandwiching freshly made sardines and eggs with a tiny sprinkling of sugar.

PHONE RINGS.

"WHAT!"
"Hey babe, why so grumpy?"
"Oh hey it's you."
"Bad day?"
"Hold on..."

The wind is blowing hard now. We see the sky darken ahead. We'll need to push off soon. Our kayaks nudge each other restlessly...

"you there?"
"Hey sorry, I had a long day."
"Its late. Let me buy you dinner."
"........... thanks but its not so bad now. I got to finish this. How bout breakfast day after? no wait...dinner tomorrow? Cool! Its a date then."

Our kayaks nudge each other restlessly. It looks like they can't wait to start the journey back. I look at the darkening sky creeping above the ocean and turn back to face our destination which is as bright and blue as the grey and black behind me. What a rush! The rest of the group seem to feel the same. We're going to outrun the storm. We've got to, only because there is no other choice.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Crossed Wires

Aiseyman, macam mana ni? Are we as Malaysians with those poor sods on the Gaza strip or not? On one hand every politician and his pet cat are blazing with rhetoric against the Israelis, Starbucks and Coca Cola HERE BUT the cops arrest some peace loving hippies who are protesting the blatant carnage going on the Strip (go HERE )

Apo nak di kato?

Can we say 'synergy'?

Friday, January 9, 2009

Big Boys Toys



Sigh, just when I've weaned myself of action figures, the forces of commercialism reach out with tantalizing nuggets of coolness to suck the Ringos out of my already thinning wallet. Knowing that younger kids aren't buying toys as much, the masters of licensing and merchandising are now going after the aging fan boy with these gorgeous statues. The lovely piece of Count Dooku and Assaj Ventress is from Gentle Giant while the rest are from Side Show Toys.





The Iron Spider armor from the the Civil War comic series



Felicia Hardy the Black Cat from the Spiderman comics



Some clown dressed up like a Transformer...

Thursday, January 8, 2009

2009

Last week at this same moment I spoke to some women I've never met in a bar...

Captain Caspian, Babyhunny the Babe and myself had gone out for a quiet countdown in Damansara Heights. Captain Caspian thought the two girls at the next table were cute and bought them a jug of Margarita BUT suddenly became bashful when they looked around to see who was the culprit. He kept bugging me to talk to them to ask them over. Being the vintage wingman that I am, I (grumpily, with a long sigh and a couple of muttered "fuck la fuker, where your balls?") went over and used the Chindian Charm (works only once a year so DAMMIT...... gone in less than an hour into the new year!). Of course they came over and we partied on till the early morning. C'mon what else do you do with a doctor and lawyer combo? It also helped that having a woman in our group made us less threatening.

Didn't really feel like celebrating the birth of a new year only because I've been working through the holidays and Jan09 feels about the same as Dec08 except with a spanking new pair of Mr. Smiley underwear. Funnily enough I do feel like this year should bring about some changes. More like I need to make things happen asap or else I'll fall into some dark chasm of mediocrity like Blackburn FC or the Proton Saga.

Nothing here on resolutions. A New Year Resolution has only two paths to lead at this point - it hires a PR maestro and sets about marketing itself to make it a commercial entity such as Valentine's Day, Easter, Halloween, where pretty soon we're selling New Year Resolution holiday packages to Antarctica and Paris, Fitness First gym memberships and How To Date A Super Model self help books. It's either that OR the New Year Resolution slowly slips into oblivion like the type writer, the dodo bird or Malaysia's Multi Media Super Corridor.

There is not really much hope in our politicians is there? Both sides aren't very convincing and Anwar seems missing when his kids are squabbling among each other. Where IS the fellow? Next thing I know he could turn up at my door step selling Network 21 dish washer.

Even my unit trust guys says he doesn't know what will happen until at least June or July. Hold on to your units he says. My friends in the auto industry say buy a car in June or July. Property agents are saying hold on and if I must buy wait for May or June..... Looks like the world economy gets better when Transformers 2 hits the big screens. Hell if I care, think its going to bomb or at least fizzle a little - Michael Bay with a big budget is as decent a film maker as a blind camel on steroids. I just want to see Sienna Miller in leather in GI Joe.

I do know I must drink less beer and coffee this year. The body has spoken. I must be less of an angry bitch. I must chill. I must attempt to master a new sexual position without pulling a butt muscle. I must sell some more toys to make way for the new that i have ordered. Damn you Side show Toys!!!!!

I 'must' a lot of things as long I don't 'must' it as a new year resolution. I 'must' it as a decree to overcome the bane of complacency. To better one self and to....what the fuck is this shit???

Sorry, make that I will replace beer with whisky. I will only take one cup of coffee a day. I will keep my anger to this blog. I will lepak more. I will seek to have more FWBs. I will build a new cupboard for the new toys. Yes, this should do it. realistically possible except for the FWBs thingy.

Bye bye New Year Resolutions! Its been a good run but thanks for the memories. Sucker.....

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Both Sides Of The Coin

"Rich men have men who are more stupid to work for them. Why should I settle for less?"

- a 30 plus year old single stewardess who will not settle for anything less than a rich man who can buy her a Coach bag anytime she wants it, January 2009.


"A woman who only wants the luxuries isn't interested in a relationship. If she were serious she'd want her man to keep the money for the long term, you know, house, kids, etc..."

- a single 30 year old sales manager who knows what scumbags men can be, last week of December 2008.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Dogs Vs Decorations


DOG


DECORATION


DOG


DECORATION


DOG


DECORATION


RAT


SMUGGLER'S BEST FRIEND


Legend At Saving Souls In Emergencies

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Let's Start With Hope...



I've been told lately that's I'm getting a bit negative and I've upped the ante on profanity. "What did Santa do to you?" and "You're really angry inside huh?" were common questions posed by friends.

SO.... I shall start the first official post of 2009 with a symbol of hope, eternal optimism, rainbows, little ponies and pot sniffing Care bears - Weddings. Wedding pictures to be exact (although I have a rant on weddings stored up for a rainy day).

Today will be the third wedding I'll be going to in a week (Peekz gets hitched! ) and they're normally the same old affairs but I saw these pictures in one of the video presentations and it blew me away. I must say for wedding pictures this dude has brought out the human side to this special occasion. The little details, the 'other side' of a wedding and bottom line not many shit assed 'posed' shots for the bride and groom. Only one word for these shots - BEAUTIFUL.





















For more on the dude OR if you want his services go to www.andylim.com.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

2009

I wish up thee a beautiful life to be yours forever...Wishing you and all at home GREAT HEALTH, BLOSSOMS OF PEACE, JOY AND HAPPINESS...HAPPY NEW YEAR MY DEAR FRIENDS!!!

Of course I didn't write this. It's like the most popular strain of SMS greetings I received over the last 24 hours. But if someone wishes 'blossoms of peace' onto me than who am I to reject these generous feelings?

I do however wish the best to all of you millions and millions of readers of this fine blog (all 15 of you), the best of luck, perseverance and patient in this fine year of 2009. It's going to be a vintage one when we look back in the years to come.

HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS AND MAY BLOSSOMS OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND FORTUITOUS RAIN UPON YOU FROM THIS MOMENT TILL THE END OF ETERNITY!

Majulah Blossoms Untuk Negara.