Sunday, December 14, 2008

Wingman

Frodo and Sam, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, Kirk and Spock, Jordan and Pippen, Tango and Cash, Maverick and Goose, Han Solo and Chewbaca, Richie and the Fonz..... There will always be TWO. Only because women are smarter than us. They're more evil too. We NEED all the bloody help we can get because one shambling pile of Y chromosomes isn't gonna get past the Deathstar of the Ya Ya Sisterhood!

A conversation between two Brit friends of mine some years back in a club:

"She's fit mate and she's up for it but her mate's a right minger innit?"

"Bloody 'ell! OK, OK, I'll take the minger but you fucking owe me you twat!"

No questions asked. No debates. The dude took one BIG bullet for this buddy.

OK here's the bottom line you wing man wannabes! You walk into a club. You and your posse are in formation. Alpha male in front, the clowning idiot just behind, the loud one followed by the quiet one at back. After a couple of drinks and through the haze, a Megan Fox lookalike gives one of you the come hither. You know you're there. You're in like Flynn BUT she comes packaged with Jabba the Hutt's sister.

Who now takes it upon himself to make a sacrifice for a brother?

Who now has to suddenly acquire Jedi mind control to ensure that his light saber is lit in the face of a naked Hutt?

Who now has to ensure that besides carnal relations he ALSO has to take on public relations duties AFTER because it definitely wouldn't do to have both girls sharing notes later and realizing that one of you was a self centered, selfish twat with the bedroom skills of a rampaging Hulk? That would mean there would be no love sequel for buddy boy, your bro, your 'heng tai'.

Who then comes forward? Who is this warrior that puts others before himself? Who is this brave, noble and a little bit of an dumb ass?

Say it with me. The WING MAN.

In aerial combat a wing man adds support and back up to the lead pilot. In the murky, hazy world of dating a wing man pretty much is supposed to do the same thing.

Unfortunately in Malaysia the wing man is an overused term that is seldom delivered on it's promise of heavenly pleasures delivered to your door step by a self sacrificing mate. Over here in a world of fussy women, it's almost every man for himself unless of course you're lucky enough to score an unselfish, giving wing man that's attached AND loyal who eyes stare with disinterest at nubile pleasures because of the powers of true love or more probably he married into money. .

The wing man credo is also sorely misunderstood here. Introducing 2 people in a crowded room and then diving into the buffet line is NOT in the job description. Neither is passing on a girl you don’t like to your friend. This just makes you an cockhead.

Outside the battle fields of pubs and clubs, a successful wing man works as a covert operative. Malaysian wannabe wing men should learn from women who gather intelligence better than the SAS or Mossad just to confirm that the female target would prefer a funny Proton driving idiot like you compared to a fat millionaire who probably has other girl friends named Fanny and Apple. They find out if she's open to meeting new people or just pissed off at the world or just signed up for membership at a lesbian dating site. When the meeting does take place you at least have a 50-50 chance compared to your so called wing man who brings along his hot and very attached Prudential agent hoping that you both will hit if off.

Recently I had a wing man set me up. Best of all I didn't even know it was a set-up. He made me look good. Talked up a storm about me until I almost screwed it up by being me (which he promptly covered up with some honey coated words). Very rare. Nice to know charity remains in the hearts of men in this day and age albeit in teeny, tiny granules.

Majulah Wing Men Untuk Jantan Negara.

5 comments:

ghoul said...

Maybe I should find myself one, too.

But then again, there's no hope for a wallpaper like me.

word verification: riati

Chindiana said...

There is always hope Ghoul, wall paper/flower or not!

word verification - ironspsi (can you say iron piss?)

Your word verification - riati (can you say air it?)

Nex said...

I never liked being set up by a 'Wing Man'. The last time that happened (which was a loooooooong time ago), I ended up being literally hounded for months by a girl I had no interest in because she though my dad is the richest man in town and I'm just doing my crummy job to 'gain expereince' before taking over my dad's empire...ha ha ha!!!

winniechan said...

after that longwinded rant... you still didn't let us know if you scored... c'mon!

Chindiana said...

Yeah you told me bout that freak Nex. Oh well bet you built some character there!

Ah Chanzzz, i talking bout the wing man ler. results nothing really happened ler but it was a great assit!