Sunday, June 29, 2008

Bryan Robson in Kuala Lumpur

You respect athletes. You respect their fighting spirit, their love for their craft and you respect their leaders even more for their ability to lead a team sometimes kicking and screaming from the pits of defeat to the heights of glory by their sheer blood and guts. Michael Jordan, Kevin Keagan, Roy Keane, and even Dennis Wise and of course Captain Marvel himself, Bryan Robson.

I'm not a United fan but when I watched him play for the Red Devils, I would end up mutterring in awe "fukin hell..." as he would dominate the midfield and literally combat the shit out of every other pissant trying to claim the center of the pitch as their own. It belonged to Robbo and with his lieutenant, Ray Wilkins, they made Liverpool's life tough back in THOSE days.

I managed to catch up with him yesterday morning. He was down in KL for a few days for a promotional tour for the Masters Asia Football series and also for the Carlsberg Euro Final viewing party up in Genting later or early tomorrow morning.

I have to say he was so good natured and easy going I had to stop myself from asking him to join me for a teh tarik at the mamak outside the hotel! Nice is the simple word you would use to describe this former England and Manchester United captain and also the former manager of English Premier League team Middlesbrough FC.

He is now working as an ambassador for Manchester United, a role he shares with Sir Bobby Charlton.

I was interviewing him for the next issue (August) of Time-Out KL magazine. So wait for it coming to a newsstand near you for the full details!

Robbo and a fan.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Aiyo...

Conversation with my sister a coupla hours ago:

"Yeah renovations over but the kitchen cabinet is going to cost me a lot and that's excluding the exhaust."

"Why do you need an exhaust? You extended to the balcony what, so you can cook there."

"But I put the power point inside for the electric cooker..."

"Most people still use gas brother dear. What if there is no electricity? And where is the exhaust going to go? Directly behind the kitchen wall is the common staircase for the apartment right?"

"............ -_-"

Yeah... so I had this great plan to make my place ready for sale. Just in case I suddenly give it all up and run off to KK to open up that bar by the beach. So when that family or young couple come in to view the place, the girlfriend or wife would squeal in delight at the nice cool kitchen and the simple interior that she could use as a blank canvas for whatever taste buds she had.

Unfortunately, UNFORTUNATELY... i only spend an average 2 minutes a day in the kitchen. I have NO IDEA what is required of a fully functional kitchen. The only meals prepared in my kitchen are in order of frequency:

1. Maggi Mee
2. Cereal
3. Salad
4. 3-in-One Milo
5. 3-in-One coffee

I technically need 2 sets of crockery (for those romantic dates you understand). When Bart August gets the urge to cook for the gang we make do with paper plates and almost everyone drinks the beer out of the can. SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? How would I, a manly man's man of a specimen (who wrestles bears before breakfast), could ever understand what makes a good kitchen??? Me trying to plan a kitchen was like trying to get Mr. Bean to sing opera!!!

OK,OK,... let's see, this is a good thing.

Let's stick to basics. I need a sink. Check.

I don't need a full kitchen cabinet action thing. Unchecked.

I can cover the exposed wires for the exhaust and the future oven for the future owner with something since i don't need to use that space right now. I can keep the 2 sets of crockery um..under the sink. Maybe under my bed? Never mind I'll think of something. I can save the money for the cabinets that I would not use and maybe buy a pony.
I'm smart, vibrant, exciting and with a couple of beers I can been scarily creative. I have impressive taste. After all I do shop at the Factory Outlet Store and the Reject Shop. In the words of Miss Laych - "Tak payah pikir susah sangat. Just be happy, carpe diem."

I can use the extra space for an in-house gym, a water bed, maybe rear some chickens or that pony. Yeah, the pony sounds nice. Anyone want rides?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Sometime in Seremban

I've been going back to Seremban lately to escape the dust from the apartment renovations. These are just some random shots from there over the past 2 weeks.

MPS
Majlis Perbandaran Seremban - MPS. It used to be called MBS, Majlis Bandar Seremban. In typical school boy mentality (a long, looong time ago) we were very disappointed when they went about the name change as we couldn't refer to the town council as Makan Buntut Saya. Hey, we were young then!

A Shy Visitor
Ah, only in Seremban does wild life come to pay a visit! I was just getting into my car to leave for KL when one of my dogs started barking up a storm. I thought it was a snake but found out it was this cute little civet cat (musang?) that had scrambled up the branch in panic. We caught it skinned it and made soup out of the bones. The next girl I date will get a musang furred purse as a gift... Kidding! I'm just kidding! We tied up the dogs and chased the little feller out of our compound. It had wondered in from the old rubber estate nearby which in true typical Malaysian fashion was developed into an ambition housing project but developer after developer had gone bankrupt. Now only 20% of the area has houses while the rest has been reclaimed by the forest.

Since we were so close to the rubber estate, it was a yearly affair when cobras would come visiting into our house compound. And always, ALWAYS, if we killed the male, there would 70% chance that it's mate would come looking for it. So yeah it was a package deal with cobras. More on this in some later post.

Seremban Sunrise
I hadn't woken up so early in Seremban before. The sun was just peeking out from the clouds when i noticed that the neighborhood birds had taken wing and were flying in flocks around the area. Fantastic! Cool, slightly chill weather, birds singing in the air, the sound of the Old Skool 'puttumayam' horn from the van of the Uncle who sells vegetables to the aunties in my neighborhood and the smell of strong brued coffee in the background... : )

Sunday, June 22, 2008

AirAsia's Ancillary Income?




Fuel prices going up, potentially less people traveling and you can only sell so many t-shirts on board an aircraft. Time to diversify?

Don't know who these dudes are but they're certainly getting some attention. Ingenious...

Friday, June 20, 2008

Names

*All real names have been withheld to protect identity of the subjects discussed.

It was the mocks exam in high school. The teacher had started giving out the test papers. Wong Fei Hong, the tall dude whom I knew for the past 3 years was next to me busily arranging his stationary on his table.

Time. We all start to write our names on the top of the exam sheets.

"Eh Chindian, how you spell Kendrick?", he whispered.

"Huh??? What the fuck?", panic started in my gut as I didn't know what the fuck was a kendrick and how it was relevant to a Geography test.

"Kendrick la. Kendrick..." he sounded a bit impatient.

"What the fuck is a kendrick fuker?" I whispered fiercely.

"That is my new name la fucker."

"WTF..."

So a long, long time ago, on an early morning sometime in July in a classroom far, far away, Wong Fei Hong became Kendrick Wong. He still uses that name to this day.

I guess it's almost a practial decision. Chinese names are harder to remember if you're not more than just an acquaintance. And I guess when you're 16 years old, Kendrick sounds like a damn cool name. like Toblerone or David Hasselhoff.

But how about those out there who change it like they change shoes?

College reunion -

"Oh, no need to call me Michelle anymore. I'm now Shanon."

"Oh, um...OK." I turn to someone else, "WTF-la wei???"

"Dunno man but she likes that girl from Beverly Hill 90210." (this is a true story)

or at a project and talking to a part-timer:

"So your name is spelled Trixie?"

"Yes but that is my working name, in college my friends call me Sam but online I'm Melody."

"What's your name on your IC?"

"Lim Mai Fan..." (also true story)

I used to be confused when I first came to KL and found that all city Punjabi fellers had English names but somewhat feminine sounding names:

"Hi! I'm Jasvinder but call me Jesse."

"Arvinder Singh Gill aka Andy Gill. Nice to meet you!"

Then it became easy. It was the turban-less flers who had the English names, the young ones who try to disguise themselves and speak like Craig David. The old school bai flers wear their 'duts' and turbans with pride and stick to being Satwants or Jasbeers. Although that alone is rare to see nowadays.

I love to see Asian girls give themselves names: Apple, Scarlett, Twinkle and my all time evergreen favourite from Korea to Singapore to Klang - Fanny.

I love Indian names especially from pious religious families. You get names that signify the god that is supposed to be the child's inspiration. The one god and his 1,000 incarnations. So when I would visit friends in some Guthrie rubber estate for Deepavali i would be introduced to Sri Shanmuganathanjayarajan a/l Sri Shaktimanjayarajan. But somewhat similar but a lot simpler to the Punjabi name modification, you can just call them Joe, Mike or Chief.

But who am I to judge eh? There was a stage in my life where I was really, REALLY considering changing my name to Harrison Solo...

Thursday, June 19, 2008

More Action Than Spiderman 3!

So it looks like the SAPP President has become Anwar's man. His own party doesn't seem to 100% agree with him. Even the opposition DAP who calls Anwar their de facto leader seems confused by this move instead of showing some mild glee that a ruling government's component party is effectively going to tell the government to stuff it this coming Monday.

I'm confused really. I'm no literati and am just hoping that all this crap will come to pass so that the price of beer and action figures will go down quick.

So let's see what do we have here...

Ah yes, so we vote in the Opposition boys and girls who are supposed to show us fair governance, the meaning of tolerance and to bring us on the road to happiness, sunshine and neighborly love.

But,

Opposition Kedah is willing to chop down trees in water catchment areas if the Federal government does not give them RM100million in cash for reimbursement for not able to log the trees in the state.

The old fogeys in DAP keep drumming up a fuss about wearing a songkok in the presence of the King. Eh uncles, respect? tolerance? Wearing a songkok will not make you less of a man and it actually will make you a bigger man because you're secure in your respect to your neighbors.

DAP keep's going after the sultans even though some of the sultans are showing that they are closer to the people than the whining, winging Opposition.

PAS - Islamic state, chill on islamic state, islamic state, chill...so what la? will my grandsons eventually have their pickled chindian foreskin on display in the family football trophy room or not?

Anwar still creeps me out and STILL gives me the heebie jeebies. Wrong move if he becomes PM but with his supposed ties to the US we might finally see a Hooters in KL.

Dr. M wants the Deputy PM to take over pronto but the DPM just cosied up to the PM with a succession plan in the works. BUT if the blown up model's ghost refuses to die the DPM may not make it to PM. Dr M now has no horse to back but is still pissed off at the government. He wont wander into the shadows quietly. Razaleigh is biding his time to take over the country's driver's seat, Anwar wants to be PM and is systematically going about trying to get folks to switch camps. MCA is recovering from realizing there may have been an internal group of snoops keeping tabs on some of them and MIC, well MIC is MIC. yipeekaye....

The new Selangor state government is unearthing discrepancies from the last administration by the truck loads but the federal government still refuses to realize that they were to blame for loosing the extra 4 states and instead are blaming everyone else and their family cat. The same people who goosed us with the sudden overnight fuel price hike without warning and are now kicking up a fuss about gaining some rocks in the middle of the ocean.

Anyone out there actually thinking about us?

Anyone?

please...?

Monday, June 16, 2008

Everyone Feels The Pinch From Escalating Fuel Prices!

"Well Mr. Bat, the 'kapchai' will give you more fuel economy but the cart is a lot more zippier around the corners..."

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Facebook. Again!

Lovely, someone sent me a Facebook Human Gift.


yay...

I 'unwrap' it and find....

A picture of a BIG GRINNING PUNJABI DUDE!!!

Why LAAAA???? Why would I need a 'bai' fler??? I don't have cows for him to milk! And he'll drink all the beer in my fridge! What's the point? Even if you send me Hannah Tan as a 'gift' to me, what do I do with her? Ask her to dress up in a nurse's outfit and do the Macarena? No, I can't because she wont be real!


AND, can you imagine the poor Punjabi feller? Now he's the 'property' of some Chindian fuker who just might lovingly 'wrap' him up and send him to some pint sized Klang gangster who might in turn barter him for a plastic bag full of fresh toddy! What? You mean I can't barter my Human Gift for non-animated objects?

Yet?

OK, I'll wait...

This is getting really stupid. Now some folks are creating their own applications. Why the fuck do they want me to accept their LICK??? Why do they want to LICK ME??? I don't know them. They don't know me. I could taste like prawn sambal. And it's not like it's some weird online mating ritual. It's not like the person who 'owns' you can command you to do as they please. Because if they could I would be seriously worried because some lady called Nanny McPhee 'owns' me! Some of those who LICK me have husbands that are larger than the Abomination.

The more applications I block the more insane ones are created. OK so now FB is running on newbies and fueled by the Dating, Poker and Scrabulous players. So let's see where the breaking point is going to be. My bet is when you see THESE applications infiltrating FB.

Here be my Top 5 FB applications that will herald the death of Facebook.

1. What type of Anal Thermometer Are you?
A. Contemplative Thermo

B. Sad motherfuker thermo

C. Suicidal aka Anal Retentive thermo (Wahahaha!)

D. Chirpy thermo


E. Opposition Thermo


2. My Mother-in-Law wants to Lick You. Please accept this lick.

3. How Successful You Are In Business By What You Use To Wipe Your Ass Test
1. Toilet Paper

2. News Paper

3. Girlfriend's supply of tissue

4. Boyfriend's limited edition The Amazing Spider Man issue #1 comic book.

5. Leaf

6. A poisonous leaf

7. Hand

8. Plastic Bag

9.Teletubby wrapping paper

10.The unused side of a used toilet paper

4. Send Your Friends A Drug Application - Get your friends virtually high on a palate ranging from Ice to Happy 5s. Also serves the bottom feeding glue sniffers and cough mixture aficionados.



5. Dress Up and Barter Your Wife/Girlfriend Application.Then you get to own some other dude's wife!

"My wife Mrs Lee as Slave Leia for Mrs Dorasamy as Chun Li?"

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Incredible Hulk Movie Review

Hulk Smash Indy and stupid skull!

Hulk Smash Sex and Manolo Blahnicks!!

Chindy like Hulk!!!

Looks like Marvel's getting the formula right! Another character/actor driven movie with the added Smackdown Slugfest of the Year!

Norton is just right as the mild mannered Banner and Liv Tyler breaks the mould of normal Marvel's hapless damsels by kicking some Army ass and showing more balls than Shia Lebouf's Mutt Williams.

Fantastically captures the pure insane power and subsequent carnage of the Hulk! Check out the slugfest at the end.

Great little Marvel touches as usual - the old TV series Hulk theme playing in the back ground, Stan Lee's usual appearance made slightly longer at 7 seconds, Lou Ferrigno's cameo (dude looks awesome!), the hint of the origin of The Leader, the appearance of the purple pants and of course Tony Stark/Downey's appearance with more cock teasing of the impending Avenger movie in the near future.

Great stuff.

THANKFUL

We do take a lot for granted don't we? We forget how fortunate we are. The last few days I've been prodded by a few gentle reminders.

I had a call from my neighbor earlier. It seems the guy from India who was working on dismantling the fixtures and old tiles in my apartment had locked himself out. I went back and found him sleeping outside with a gauze over his right eye. Some drops of blood on his shirt.

"Apa jadi?"

"Tada apa. Batu saja kena." he replied as a matter of fact. No drama. Just a quiet clarification. It seemed that he was using the drill and some debris had hit him in the eye. He had walked the 30-40 minutes in the hot sun to the clinic, got himself patched up and had headed back to carry on with work when he realised that the drilling had also misaligned the lock on my door. My key with some gentle manipulation managed to open the door.

"Sudah makan?" he asked me. "Huh?" i was caught by surprise. Life was going on already for him. I might have been curled up sucking my thumb and mewling for my mummy.

Belum.

U?

tak mau makan.

Tak payah. Saya pergi beli. you tunggu.

Ok, tapi tak mau banyak.

I left him there already picking up the drill that had caused his injury, ready to continue his work with one good eye. He had done everything himself. Drilling up the floor, getting rid of the old tiles, dismantling the entire kitchen cabinets, moving the fridge around while packing them all neatly into sacks and arranging them nicely outside the apartment for his boss to pick up tomorrow with the lorry. It was hard work but he took pride in it all. He just went about his work quietly and efficiently. And then he gets his eye injured in the process. I don't even want to think how much he's being paid.

He comes from Chennai. He's alone in this country. Now he has to live in a tiny room with boxes full of plastic figurines and posters of movies he has never watched while nursing his bloodied eye and he MUST finish the job at hand because if he doesn't meet the deadline his boss might take it out on him. Although the contractor seems like a nice feller (cos he's from Seremban and we're cool people).

When I was clearing up my apartment I was dumping out a lot of junk. I had lots of crockery that were gifts from the house warming eons ago. I gave a whole bunch to the Indonesian mak cik who sweeps the outside of my apartment and I gave the rainbow bowl (sorry Nex i forgot I promised it to you!) to one of the dudes who clears the trash from my apartments. When the workers around the apartment realised I was moving stuff out they quietly were opened my trash bags to look for stuff that they could use. The gardeners, the sweepers and even one guard. I have no issue but it reminds me of the excess that we spoil ourselves with.

How does that Arrested Development song go? The one about the homeless man? "Mr Wendel, we call him uncivilised, but who are we to judge when he eats off the food we waste?"

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A New Begining

OK, the apartment renovations and repairs begin. I did not KNOW I HAD SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Toys, books, magazines, stuff from my travels (why the FRAK did I keep those stones from the Mustang River in Nepal and that fridge magnet of a painted cow from New York????

Holy shit I was hanging on to too much memories. Her stuff is still here. Some shoes, the Breakfast at Tiffany's poster, some baju kurungs...I'll have to send it back to her parents soon. The reports from projects long gone 10 years ago, pictures of people I've long forgotten, books that I wont read again but kept for sentimental reasons (who cares if Mick Foley signed it to me?)

It just started out as finding places to store the stuff till after the renovation/repairs. But now I realise in a real world, in this current evolution of ME, they mean jack. Just memories. i have enough of those in some photo albums. These items are not and HAVE NOT improved my life except gather dust that I have to clean.

So they're all packed in boxes headed for the second hand book store, various toys stores around KL and some to the re-cycle bin near the petrol station. Some books that I will re-read I will keep. Some toys which will appreciate in value I will keep and some mementos from the travels will be kept like the smuggled moonstones that came from Afghanistan and the over prized bronze Ganesha idol from Bangalore that I bought for my mum but was too embarrassed to give to her in case she found out how much I paid for it (trust me, mum's find out ALL eventually. It's whether they tell you or not).

The plan is to keep the apartment clean and simple. Strictly functional. Oh and the movie posters and my Rolling Stone wall will stay but still a far cry from the Cave of Ali Baba it used to be. Only some of my treasured pieces will be on display and hopefully I've found a nice cool nook for my treasured books and graphic novels.

It feels good. Because I'm nervous. Somethings buzzing. It feels like a new dawn. I haven't felt this rush in a long long time.

Nice. I like.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Phouphadeng Hotel or the Auberge Plane Des Jarres Hotel

These are pictures of the Auberge Plane Des Jarres Hotel or the Phouphadeng Hotel in the town of Phonsavanh in Laos. This really cosy hotel nestled in the middle of a pine forest on the side of a small mountain is simply fantastic for a quiet getaway. The view overlooks the rather sterile one-street town of Phonsavanh with the lovely sights of the surrounding rice fields. The service is excellent. Ideal for romatic getaways or solitary reflection.
View of one of the lodges.



The main bar and lounge with its fireplace. Excellent on the cold nights.
The dining room at night with the crackling fire.
The bedroom.
The room hall. Just a fireplace for those quiet moments. This place is just to chill. No loud TVs or radios.

View from my room.

View from dining room.

Sunset from the pine forest. You can also take a short hike into the top of the mountain behind the hotel. Take the small path in front of the entrance and head left all the way. It's a little steep but you should get up to the top in about 20 minutes if you are reasonably fit. About a quarter way up you get to see a 180 degree view of Phonsavanh and the top is a lush pine forest with remnants of some bomb craters now engulfed by ferns and brush.

Profile:

The Auberge Plain of Jars or Phouphadeng Hotel is the first hotel/mountain lodge in the province. Built in 1989, and was fully operational one year later, in 1990. They have 15 rooms, and a fireplace in each room, as winter is often “very” cold (-2~c). Claude VINCENT, a French man living in Laos for more than 40 years, came to this province and felt that this would be a perfect place for a mountain lodge. His son, Sanya Vincent continues this fine tradition to this day.

Walk-in rate: 50 USD per night and per room including breakfast. The restaurant serves Lao and French cuisine.

You might want to try this out quickly as they are looking at upgrading to cater to a higher end market!

Contact Person - Sanya Vincent.

Phone - (+856) 305 170282

Email - auberge_plainjars@yahoo.fr

Friday, June 6, 2008

A Distraction From Fuel Prices

If you have the time just play this for about 2 minutes. Bear with me, 2 minutes. Even better, sing along to it. Pretty soon you wont be thinking about how bad life is. Seriously. And you WONT be able to get the tune out of your head. MuaHAHAHA!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Lemmings

I wonder if they are happy. All the lemmings that frantically headed to jam up all the petrol stations yesterday evening all the way to midnight which also ended up causing massive traffic jams around the city. Especially the morons who started driving and jamming up the opposite lanes of the roads trying to get into the petrol kiosks 'faster' thus blocking the innocent parties on the other side who were trying to drive past the stations.

How much money did they save by pumping their tanks before the price increase at midnight? How much did they burn waiting in line for that odd half hour to an hour? RM40? RM60? RM100 (to the one dude in that S-Class who was surrounded by Kelisas and Kanchils). What about tomorrow, Sunday, next week? What about in August when it might hit RM4 per litre? What then? Where are you going to take your drama then?

This was quite an incredible phenomenon. Parents calling their kids to fill up the cars, some clown taking off slightly earlier from work to pump petrol, calling the maid to pump up some petrol into the second car....

And here is the comparison in lifestyles, while some folks frantically tried to save their worlds by trying to get a tankful of petrol before midnight, I had a call from one group of friends who are quite well to do who were having a leisurely drink in Bangsar, "Fuck you and come here, the roads are flooded and jammed and you better worry bout the price hike in August". Being good bosses they were at least worried how the prices would affect their staff. I got another call from another friend about 10pm (when the roads were STILL jammed) - "Bro, I'm partying with models, come la."

Oh well...

Five ways to save money in the long run:

1. Go with Gas - modifications to your car will cost about RM2K it will save you a shitload in the long run. Down side you'll have to queue with all the taxis in KL in the limited natural gas stations around KL and PJ. Also you might have problems fitting your golf clubs or that odd dead body into your trunk.

2. Plan your life around public transport. Downside - no life as you'll spend your whole day jumping from bus to train and back. Upside, you will learn how to sleep standing up.

3. Negotiate an increase in fuel allowance from your company TODAY. And if you're not in sales, ask for a transfer NOW!

4. Cut back on everything else - One and a half meals a day. Revisit the days of the Chinese 'chap fan' stalls in the alleys or the Ramly Burger stall outside the office. Ramly Burger, mmmm...., stop boozing (SIGH..), stop dating, KIV all those orders for Transformer movie edition action figures, cancel ASTRO and gym subscriptions/memberships, substitute buying and using condoms with using your gym socks...

5. Start brewing home made toddy to satisfy the upcoming demand for cheaper booze.

And by the way...

They don't really care for us do they? These people who are supposed to be our elected representatives. Total disrespect for us to spring it on us like that. Why didn't they give us warning? As they've been advised, we folks will adjust to price hikes if done gradually. Guess we're just an end to their means. Anyway, what is there to say that hasn't been said before...

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Making it Work

I just love it when these Mat Salleh's write self help books. They have such a nice idealistic and naive look at the world. Below is some chick who was actually trying to flog her book and her blog and this was carried by Yahoo. (I seriously thing Asia needs to step up and get more Asian content on the Net. Not wannabe Asian America/Asia Aussie/Asian Brit content but just pure Asian content - the origin of the Malaysian -Lah word, Thai versus Vietnamese cooking, best transvestities in South East Asia, etc.

Moving on...

My thoughts are in BOLD.

According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of "The Monogamy Myth," 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage. In other words, the person who stays monogamous within her marriage is among a growing minority.

These are her tips:

1. Nurture Safe Friendships: This is the most important affair-preventer in my life. No marriage can give you everything. A husband is going to have interests that his wife will never care about like fishing, hunting, or golfing. So he's less likely to stray if he can find some good guy buddies with whom to fish, hunt, and golf.

Of course you don't want to share your life COMPLETELY with your spouse. Then either one of you will start to get dependent on the other's lifestyle and it will get claustrophobic. You don't really want her around when you're playing with your Starscream Transformer because you can only take so much eye rolling. And I don't think she will want your whiny ass around when she goes shopping with her mum to Bandung.

Good Guy Buddy - she just mentioned that a person who stays monogamous is the minority. So where the frak are you going to find some dude who's not thinking with Little Johnny instead of his noggin?

Also Asian good guy buddies might also end up in a karaoke, ktv and a 'health' club where very wholesome activities occur where male bonding is at it's best. "Hi nama saya Sparkle...." When the dude next to you reciprocates with a "Wa, yang tu name cantik la!", you excuse yourself and head for the door because you're a Good Guy Buddy. That's until Fanny in the little black dress stops you and asks softly if she can get you another drink...Yep, Good Guy Buddies, there's a whole lot 'a that around...

2. Recognize the Drug: Depressives and addicts are especially prone to affairs because of the head rush that comes with infatuation. The spikes in dopamine and norepinephrine we experience upon connecting with someone new fools us into thinking that the sexy man or attractive woman at the bar holds the key to our nirvana and the end to our problems. This is the same as, say, the high from cocaine. Recognizing that that rush is not real, meaningful, or lasting, can help a married person to "just say no."

Recognizing that the rush in not real, meaningful, or lasting, can help a married person to "just say no".

What the...?????? In a bar? With alcohol rushing through your veins? With you staring through beer goggles that makes Oprah look like Hannah Tan? Could you even string that sentence together without sounding like a castrated frog on E?

What she should say is "don't be a So Hai! Having sex while you're drinking or she's drunk is like having sex with a animated sack of potatoes. For the money you spent to get her drunk (i'm addressing men here as the ratio is higher although you wimmen folks are catching up fast!) and the time and effort you dragged her back you will have nothing to remember the next day because:

a) You dont remember much as you were as drunk as her

b) In the glorious morning sunlight and beyond the smudged makeup she just might look like a rat's ass with the personality of a codfish. So you don't even have boasting rights to your buddies. You just slink away whenever they mention that your quality control is suspect when you're in a bar.

c)That rush you had when you were coming on to her rode the piss train out of your wiener even before you left the bar.

No point. No redeeming factors. Just guilt and embarrassment.

3. Keep Dating: I'm serious here. Visiting with your spouse with some regularity--just the two of you and no one else--will bring some very definite rewards to a marriage. By dating, you will learn how to talk to each other again.
In her book, "Mating in Captivity," Esther Perel urges a client to imagine her spouse as if she has just met him, to put him into that mysterious category again. This is really hard when you got a little one screaming, "Wipe me!" from the bathroom. However, when you can pull it off, I find her theory very effective.

That must be easy to do. After the tyke is done screaming "Wipe Me!" you've got to clean the bum of the one year old, you break them in in kindergarten, then they become surly Goth teenagers or worse start speaking like Paris Hilton. Then there's is the in-laws making the fake attempt of accepting you because your wife's Ex's family used to own half of Hong Kong and you're just a little Account Manager in a Lube Tube Factory.

What you need to get your 'couple' time is to have a support team with the fighting mechanism of the 82nd Airborne Division - spread out the duties. Use the resources at hand - the in-laws are on child care duty, the maid is on home maintenance and hygiene, the best friend at work is is to cover for you while you and the loved one plan a dirty weekend in Avillion, the guy who has the hots for you in the office can take your car for servicing while you're away, etc. Use 'em and abuse 'em for the sake of Love...Be a little bit of a selfish bastard to get some alone time to date all over again. (you don't have to be a total asshole on this. Once in a while can)

4. Find a Creative Outlet: People get lured into emotional and physical affairs because the infatuation provides an exciting, stimulating place where they are energized.
So to stay affair-proof, you have to find other sources of stimulation and excitement. For me, my blog is that outlet. I can't wait to log on each day to see what all of my dear readers have to say. When I get overwhelmed by the domestic chaos of our lives, Beyond Blue provides me that outlet where I can create something new, where I can run away, however temporarily, from the stress.

To stay affair proof find other sources of stimulation? By starting a blog? Holy Fuck! Now I know why a Mat Salleh feels like he's in heaven when he touches down in Asia. The puritanical naivete of them folks is ironic innit? So let's see if the hottie who looks like she poured herself into a pair of jeans (and forgot to say when) comes up to a committed dude (relationship not asylum) and tells him to meet her at her apartment, the said dude should run back and start a blog? Yep, that sounds like a plan. Among the Amish.

5. Hang Out with Happy Couples: If you're hanging with a bunch of guys (or girls) that see nothing wrong with sleeping around, you are much more likely to do it yourself. The good news is that the opposite is also true. If you have a set of friends committed to their marriages, you will be less likely to cheat on your spouse.

Sorry babe, you dah establish 60% and 40% are shagging around already. Not that many happy couples around. You'd best just exchange partners for the weekend...

6. Learn How to Fight: Wait before saying something really ugly, and make sure you weren't tired or hungry, or in a stressful situation. I'm not saying that you can't confront your spouse if you're tired, hungry, or stressed, because then we'd live in a silent world. But, it's a good idea to recognize situations that tend to accelerate arguments.

"Sorry honey, I'm not going to tell you that you're a fuckwit for flirting with the office temp because I'm hungry." Maybe the boys at the next Parliment session can use the same theory, "Saya tak nak komen tentang pakain seragam murid wanita sebab saya lapar."

7. Be Nice and Listen: "Duh," you're saying to yourself. But think about it. This is the hardest part about marriage. Listening. Keeping your mouth closed when the other person is talking.
In my conversations with men and women who have had affairs, the number one reason for pursuing the affair was this: "She listened to me. I mattered to him."

Amend to "She listened to me and didn't fake a headache.." or if you're a woman, "I mattered to him as he made it about me and didn't scratch his balls with my hair clip."

8. Remember These Tools: Never forget that you have a toolbox of resources to draw on when you feel tempted by an extramarital affair. Here are some tools offered to me by those healing from affairs, insights to keep in mind when you feel that familiar head rush and are tempted to abandon logic for a thrill:

Don't go there: Don't put yourself in a threatening situation. Skip the conference in Hawaii with the colleague who flirts with you. If you absolutely have to go, avoid all opportunities to be alone with him.

You've got mail: When you don't know if your email crosses the line into appropriate language, send it to yourself first. Read it again, and ask yourself: would I feel comfortable showing this to my husband?

Dress with intentions: One woman told me that she saved her lingerie for her husband, and wore the ratty old underwear to the high-school reunion where she'd see a flame from the past.

Talk about your spouse: A guy friend told me that whenever he is alone with a woman he finds attractive and things are getting uncomfortable, he'll start talking about his wife--what her hobbies are, and how much he loves her. It immediately kills the mood.

Tools? Tools are key words in corporate speak. Like brand DNA or that HR mother lover. When you use the word 'Tools' you're losing your soul. A soulless relationship has less of a chance of survival than a South Indian arranged marriage. Lets replace that with RESPECT. Once you respect that person on the other side of the bed who will fart every morning till the end of your lives you're going to sort out everything else quite easily.

So says the Chindian. And don't mind the overdramatics.

AND I'm officially making this the Love Help Blog Site for alla youse who need answers and advice about love and relationships as I think I'm damn cool wan. Leave questions in comments section or email me and all will be answered cos I'm damn cool wan...

And since I'm as popular as Rocky Bru I don's answer Anonymous questions so give yourself a nickname after your question. Easy la - Sleepless in Batang Berjuntai, Goat Shagger, Hannibal the Kari Sambal, you know whatever...