Thursday, May 29, 2008

Top 5 Encounters in the Gents

The things that go through one's mind in the wee hours of the morning...

The Loo/Toilet/WC/the John/ The Throne Room, The Thinking Place or sometimes it's even called the Reading Room. Weather public or private it's a place for contemplation and solitude. A place where thoughts are gathered and pondered. A sanctuary where hard decisions are made and ideas are given life.

Although not as private the public restrooms are supposed to uphold these principals. So you're there, straddling a ceramic bowl, gathering your thoughts ("I don't believe this bastard joint, doesn't have kacang...") and then some freak comes through the door and changes your life forever.

Below are my Top 5 weirdest/disturbing encounters in the John:

1. Cheers Pub, Damansara Heights, 2008 - I walk out after doing the bizness. An old doctor dude is washing his hands. There is another guy waiting in line to wash his hands. Doc sees us both and says" You young people don't know how to wash your hands! Here, this is how surgeons do it!" He proceeds to show us (it's too long and I'm too tired to write all that down but it involves a triple rotation of scrubbing everything). It takes under ten minutes. By then me and the other dude have sobered up plenty and hope if we ever need surgery our surgeon isn't flying high!

2. Rex Cinema, Seremban, sometime in the late '80s. I walk into the toilet and some dude was trying to wash his dick in the sink. The water was running and since he was short and the sink high, he was standing on tip toe and was sorta flailing his Little Johnny as close to the tap as possible to get it wet. It seemed he was very optimistic that either his wiener would grow longer or the tap would inch closer to him.

3. Hard Rock Cafe, Kuala Lumpur, early '90s. A drunk chick trying to shag her passed out boyfriend in the very narrow cubicle with the door wide open. She would have had better luck trying to screw the corpse of Elvis.

4. Klang Bus Stand toilet, KL, early '90s. I've been holding my pee in for about 2 hours on the bus ride from Seremban (the jam was shit). I rush into the toilet and get on with business. Then I realise the dude squatting behind me is shooting up with a syringe. It was not easy to piss with tension running from the hairs on one's neck to one's now very clenched butt cheeks (i had this phobia from young about doctors and dentists and terrifying needles)

5. Somewhere in the UK, 2005 - A lady barges into the Gents in some club. I'm startled and barely avoid pissing on my shoes. She looks at me, barks out "What?", grunts and goes into one of the two cubicles. These Mat Salleh women...

I foresee that this list will be updated as time goes by...

Sunday, May 25, 2008

A Sure Sign of Trouble

* This is a public service message.

I'm spring cleaning and found the items below from The Old Relationship (OK! OK, this is the last time I'll bring it up). OK, I guess I REALLY should have seen this coming. I even joked with her one day a looong while back after looking at the DVD boxed sets next to the TV and the books stacked next to the sofa. She laughed it off and told me to behave or else.

Well here is a tip that ALL O' YOU MEN need to take to heart. If you come home one day and see these things strewn about your hall, you better step up the game because your relationship DEFINITELY needs some work. Either that or immediately move back to your parents house. Don't pack, don't talk, just bolt for the door!

BTW, The L Word was a TV drama series about the lives of lesbians.

Indiana Jones And the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Somehow I don't feel the need to watch it again. Ford, Spielberg and Lucas make this a visit by that nice friend who comes over for a teh tarik and reminds you on how fun things used to be, but once he's out the door you don't feel the urge to call him again.

Harrison Ford's corpse that they re-animated for this movie (sorry man, Hollywood Homicide?) and his stunt double make the movie bearable but the rest of the show is carried through by the special effects. All the action even seems incomparable to the previous efforts. There is a stupid Tarzan scene that makes you go, "am I supposed to laugh?". It's too slick and here is the thing you never feel at any one time that Indiana Jones is REALLY in any trouble. What made him fun to watch was you always felt that he would really get fucked whenever he was in deep shit.

I'm not going to waste time on this. Marion Ravenwood? Who the fuck cares? Mutt Williams? Just another Spielberg effort to force his protege/muse down every one's throats and why so cliched that both Jones boys have to have nicknames inspired by dogs?

Neither have the fun and presence of Salah and Marcus Brody. Let's not even go close to Henry Jones Sr.

Watch it la. Its an old friend. Its still fun as I realised that Indiana Jones is already larger than it's fourth effort. Indy is all we wanted to be. That adventurer who roamed the world uncovering and stealing everything from mythical to now paranormal sources.

The goose bumps moments is when you see the the Indiana Jones silhouette against the back drop of a mushroom cloud, with a space saucer or even as a shadow on the side of the car. You don't need a story. That image is enough for you to imagine one on your own. That is the legacy of The Man in the Hat. He made so many of us into dreamers of rip roaring adventures.

I hope they leave it at this. I don't really want to see Lebouf take on the Jones mantle. Indiana Jones, his father and closest friends rode off into the sunset in the Last Crusades and that was the perfect send-off. Lets keep it that way. The last thing we want to see is Indiana Jones 5: The Adventures of Mutt Williams.

Friday, May 23, 2008

5 Guests at the Restaurant at The End of the Universe

Sometimes you want a different sort of company. In the course of your life you come across folks staring out from the pages of a newspaper, a TV screen or sometimes even from a porn site, and you wonder, "I would love to meet that person."

Below are the Top 5 people I want share Happy Hour with in the Restaurant At The End of The Universe:

1. Basketball great, 'Sir' Charles Barkley

2. Stephen Hawking

3. Neil Gaiman

4. Tun Doc Mahathir

5. Paris Hilton

No dead people. Those above I've at least seen interviews and have some reference to their characters. For all I know William Shakespeare could have the personality of a cardboard and Genghis Khan could be a shy introvert.

Of course first choices ranged my His Airness Michael Jordan, George Lucas, Bono but then I realized that Air Jordan although a basketball GOD is quite boring in real life. He's too perfect and cultured. George? I'm still pissed off at Jar Jar and making Anaking Skywalker into a pouty Justin Timberlake clone. Bono? Well, I'd prefer to see him 'live' with the rest of U2 so I'll save that wish for Events/Places I must go before I die.

so I went with Jordan's good buddy Sir Charles Barkley who's books I've read and and enjoyed even more seeing him elbow some poor fuck under the hoops with nonchalance. Gaiman is my fav writer of all time so 'nuff said! Hawking, well he's got the whole universe figured out hasn't he? Tun DOc M. I hated him, grudgingly respected him, respected him, was in awe of him and now I think the dude really needs to chill. But hey, he's Doc M! Imagine what he knows about what REALLY is goin on on this great not so green earth?

And Paris Hilton? Well with all these brain matter at the table I'll need someone to talk to. Here's how a smidgen of the conversation would go:

Hawking (picture him in his synthesised voice box thingy) : "The quantum trajectory of the multiple organisms will perpetuate in it's entirety a solid base for inter species and inter gender communications."


Gaiman: "But to complete an end to child exploitation the UN must work from the ground up with leaner teams. But much better if you enlist aid from the citizens of Faerie and the other Kingdoms under the Violet Stars."

Barkley: "Don't quote me, I'm not a role model but that means a complete revamp to the psyche of all the world's politicians."

Tun Doc M: "Wat you calling me recalcitrant? You think in space there is no ISA? You lucky I'm not PM anymore... Btw, how you like that bread?I bring from my shop..."

Hilton: I think it's Hot. I think you're ALL Hot...

Chindiana: Boss, you got kacang with this Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster?

Yeah, that would be an interesting evening...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Converations with Queens

OK, so it's like this, some of you I've told this before, but back in the day and every year at least once I seem to have the look that attracts gays and on 2 occasions transvestites (a shit scary experience when a tranny in a sari offered to buy be a beer in Hard Rock Cafe)

Before you flamboyant divas out there start screaming up a storm about "WAH! so perasaan!!!!!" Let me explain, I think it's more of like I look like i need a makeover. You know, I dress like a Steve Jobs wannabe without the gazillions, I look like I was born in jeans and Nikes. To them I'm a stray in desperate need of grooming. The Straight Guy who needs the Queer Eye Squad. Definitely not someone they want to wildly 'bugger' under the moonlight.

Last Friday night I met up with some friends for drinks. Mikey, a friend of a friend and as loud and flamboyant as they come, was there. After some drinks he said "You must dress better la. You should be going out with a hot girl already. Get some nice shirts and this...", he ruffled my hair, "ayo...." and he laughed . -_- . Then he proceeded to tell me to cut it short down the sides, grow it long down the middle and then said something about gelling it while he twiddled his fingers above his head to show me how.

Gays are fun to hang out with for laughs. They are entertaining and fun and yes, both men AND women will get some fantastic grooming and shopping tips form them. Of course this got me thinking, "Top 5 List!"

Top 5 Things gay men have said to me or in my presence :

OK, most of it comes from my dress sense of course. Although it's the epitome of hipness in Seremban it obviously is considered nothing more than roadkill to the gay community. Here goes:

1. " Daaaaaarling, THAT (looks disapprovingly at my ensemble of t-shirt and jeans) is SOOO Friday night!" - It seems that on Saturdays, one MUST up the ante on the glam factor while clubbing.

2. Dude walks over to say hello to a friend in our group. Stops, looks at me from top to bottom, shakes his head and says, "I think you need a stylist."

3. "I told the girls in the office that you are gay because I think you deserve better."

4. "What? You think just because you bitches wear a bra your breasts will stay up forever meh? Fuck you la, cheap bra, cheap (bra)wire, cheap breasts lor...". OK I dont know about this cheap bra wire = long term hanging boobs but if anyone can confirm this let me know.

5. Hey Chindy! If you ever turn gay give me a call OK?"

I now have endeavoured to dress slightly better because we all need to give ourselves a shot at having a hot girl friend, yes?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Iron Man


Downey rocks this movie! If Tobey McGuire captured the awkward teen of Peter Parker, Rober Downey Jr IS Tony Stark! If Spiderman was Sam Raimi's labour of love to re-capture the wonder and innocence of our childhood fascination with super heroes, director Jon Favreau and Robert Downey take this heavy metal action joyride by the scruff of the neck and turns it into an ADULT appreciation for the genre. War, terrorists, corporate take overs, womanising and boozing, careless destruction of a Shelby Cobra... and all this from the hero! And c'mon the sound track is riddled with Old Skool metal gods like ACDC and Black Sabbath!
Nice scenes = Old Shell Head versus the F-22 Raptors, the chemistry between Stark and Pepper Potts, The first time Stark fits on the all silver Mark 2 armour, bottom line most of the scenes where Downey, well plays himself in a way, as Tony Stark where you will remember in the comics Iron Man was an alcoholic.
Blink and Miss it Moment - When Stark mistakes Stan Lee for Hugh Hefner!
Goose bump moments = War Machine cock tease when James Rhodes looks at the Mark 2 armour, is tempted to put it on and rushes off saying simply, "Another time...".
and...
And after the end credits role (take your time, you can walk all the way to Batang Berjuntai, take a piss, wash your hands and come back, Yeah it will feel that long) when you see Samuel L.Jackson playing Nick Fury, hint of the "Avengers Initiative". What gave me goosebumps is that in the Ultimate Avengers comics which came out two years ago I think, the artist drew Nick Fury as Samuel L. Jackson EXACTLY how he looked at the end of the movie. AND in the comics in a light hearted moment when the Avengers were talking about making a movie and who would play them, Nick Fury said, "Only one person, Samuel L Jackson." Nick Fury - now instead of a white boy with an eye patch in spandex, we have Shaft, the baddest mother fucker to order about a covert government organisation. Hope he's still on for the Avengers movie. That would rock the jeans of J-Lo's butt!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Random Shots From Laos

The Patuxay Monument in Vientiane.

Fruit stall in the Luang Prabang Night Market.


Fried Duck Chin. Goes will with beer.
Shades of a Red past.

Bottles with colored water used as a decorative piece at the outdoor garden area of The Hive Bar in Luang Prabang.


Waiting area at the Manoluck Hotel in Luang Prabang.


Little runts at the Pak Ou Caves outside of Luang Prabang.

Logs waiting outside a sawmill in Phonsavanh.

Tuk-tuk at the Xiengkhoung Airport.

Boys from a hill tribe along the mountainous road from Luang Prabang to Phonsavanh district.
The ride from Xiengkhoung Airport to Vientiene.

Window shutters in Xiengkhoung Airport. I was bored... :)


Silk lamps in Vientiene.

Public workout in the evening along the Mekong riverbank in Vientiene.

Some buildings in Vientiene.

Mekong riverbank view from Inter City Hotel in Vientiene.

Mekong Sunset from Vientiane. My final evening in Laos. As it was dry season I was able to walk out on to the dry river bed, right to the middle of the Mekong River and take this shot.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Plain of Jars, Phonsavanh, Laos

The Plain of Jars in the Phonsavanh district in the Xiengkhoung Province of Laos, close to the Vietnamese border. The jars are about 2,500 to 3,000 years old. No one know hows they got here and that's the bottom line. There are theories that they were used as burial urns or even for brewing ancient booze. Your tour guide will prattle on and on about a few other 'theories'. Its best to tell him politely to shut the hell up and you just take in all there is around you at your own pace because the surrounding area is truly beautiful. The jars are spread out into 3 sites. Site One is the largest. Best time to go is in the early morning before 10 (as it gets rather hot) or go in the afternoon or evening and watch the sun set from the hill nearby.


With it's close proximity to the Vietnamese border the Plain of Jars still has unexploded land mines in the area. Some areas have been cleared and a clear path has been laid. When I asked my guide what about the rest of the land mines in the area, he answered nonchalantly, "We let the cows find out."




The Mines Advisory Group Warning sign at the entrance to the Plain of Jars.



Don't stray off the Red and White Brick Road. You don't want to be paying extra on AirAsia to check in your blown off body parts...




"Land Ho Dude!" He's standing on the largest rock in the Plains. It's supposed to weigh about 9 tons.



The beautiful and peaceful countryside surrounding Site One. On this morning there was some sounds of gun fire from the neighboring army camp.




Signs of war.

The area also suffered heavy bombing from American forces. Many suspect the bombs were ditched after an aborted foray into Vietnam and the bombers needed to lighten their load to save fuel to get back to Thailand.



The largest bomb crater I saw. My guide Pekh is standing on the side for size reference.

Just a view of the highest hill in the area.
For more info go HERE.




Getting there: Take the slightly less than one hour flight from the Laos capital of Vientiene on Air Laos to Xiengkhoung Province Airport. It should cost around USD70. You can cab it or tuk-tuk it to the Site One in about 20 minutes to 30 minutes from the airport.
Better still if you are in Luang Prabang, take the 8 hour bus ride to Phonsavanh and enjoy the gorgeous mountain scenery. The bus ride costs about USD12, a van ride which could be nice in a group but cramped could got from USD17-20. A private car is about USD250(yeah...)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

WE?

"I told you we would win the League"

"Yeah, we kicked your ass every time!"

We. WE? When did Malaysians start using fucking WE to associate themselves with their self proclaimed EPL football club of choice? My guess is about 2 years ago.

'WE' as far as I know were used by these Brit expats who came over here. When they use 'WE' they mean it. Their 'WEs' come from supporters born and bred in the vicinity of their club. They wear the badge of their club with pride and honour and are willing to take a beating if they wander into the wrong side of town in that shirt.

Are wankers who normally use 'WE' as strictly boasting rights willing to live and die for your club? Does using 'WE' make your dick larger every EPL weekend? No, I don't think it does. So why use 'WE' unless you're going to stick by them through thick and thin? THEY won the Championship or that Cup WITHOUT you. If you had a fungal growth on your balls THEY wouldn't give a shit. Unless their sponsor or PR department put them up to it and then you get Ashley Cole or Paul Scholes coming over to the hospital with a signed shirt and to rub some Savlon on your 'cikus'.

The only folks in Malaysia who deserve to use the term 'WE' to refer to themselves and their football clubs are the Manchester City, West Ham, Norwich, Forest and Southend fans. Oh yeah and that one dude from Segambut who supports Sheffield Wednesday.

So yeah, leave off the 'WE'. Earn your stripes to use 'WE'. Wear any of your red or blue jerseys and take a walk down to a pub on the opposite end of either town. Maybe even have a couple of pints in Millwall. Then once the stitches have been removed you can use 'WE' with pride that you never dreamt of. Really, you should try it. I hear it builds character.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Fitness and the Law of Idiocy

"And you are Mister?"

"Fuck. Dumb Fuck. But my friends call me So Hai..."

It's been 3 weeks since I played futsal. I wisely gave myself a break before the Laos trip. No way was I going to screw up a trip by aggravating any one of my old injuries. I was even a good Chindian. I laid off futsal after I got back last week.

But why should we learn from mistakes? Mistakes are fun! So today I felt confident. Last week I had gone up to Gasing Hill with no drama. On Saturday I had completed the 3 hour plus Bukit Batu Tabur climb with just a little bit of pain in the left knee. My back was well behaved even after me having sex with a harem of super models in an AirAsia aircraft toilet and my knee is recovering just nicely after diving in front of that runaway locomotive to save that blind lady's baby girl. and her little teddy bear too.

So I gear up and get on the pitch...

Now I sit here, a fuckwit in full glory, nursing my lower back and my left knee. Damn it, I'm running out of hot water bottles here! I'm done some damage to my groin too. So if by some fluke of nature Hannah Tan gets hit on the head by a runaway pigeon, loses her memory and wakes up thinking that she's my love slave I will definitely NOT be able to do anything except to 'cuddle' in front of the TV while watching wrestling. Hope she makes good cow's milk brued coffee...

So it looks increasing likely that I will have to stop playing futsal. But nothing gives me more pleasure than occasionally passing the ball to the right team mate, smashing a wanton shot into the Fortress of Testicular Fortitude area of a goalkeeper or just being able to shout like a tit whenever someone fails to stop my careless pass.

Sacrifices must be made. Hannah Tan? Futsal? Hannah Tan? Futsal?

Hannah Tan = Fantasy.

Futsal = as real as my sweaty futsal socks.

Futsal equals Pain. Pain leads to suffering. Suffering leads to the Dark Side.

Futsal it is then! Yippeeeee! Fuk me I just HAVE to stop quoting Little Anakin...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Khouangsi Waterfalls and Pak Ou Caves, Luang Prabang Laos

The Khouangsi Waterfalls about 25km outside of Luang Prabang is gorgeous. It's about 100meters high and all the pools are a striking blue in color. Set in a lush forest, the waterfall forms into a swift stream that tumbles along a hill forming more pools and mini falls along the way.

This is the smallest swimming pool and it was my very first sight of the beautiful blue water.


View from the top of the waterfall.

This little dude fell off the tree. Looks so juicy Nex would probably pop it in his mouth if he were travelling with me!

OK, does anyone see the 'face' in the rocks? Is it me or do most waterfalls seems to have rocks with 'faces' nearby?

Early morning fresh shining moss in the forest.



Where we had our lunch of tom yam 'lite' just because I looked like a 'farang'.


Part of the countryside outside of Luang Prabang on the way to Khouangsi Waterfalls.

Pak Ou Caves

We take a boat over from the village across the Mekong where we had parked our van at the Ban Ang Hai village. The boat from Luang Prabang is about USD80 for one boat. So the cost is split among all the passengers. Let me know if I'm off on that. This is just what my guide told me. The scenic route by boat takes about an hour and a half from Luang Prabang. We took the road which took us about 40 minutes. The standard charge for a van that fits 5-6 people will cost about US80 per van which if course the cost is split between all in the van. Transports if cheap especially since the petrol prices in Laos is much more expensive in Laos at USD1.30 per litre compared to our subsidised prices here in Malaysia.

Pak Ou Caves jetty and the view of the Mekong River

There are two caves that have over 4,000 Buddhas that are made in different materials such as wood, metal and clay by devotees and left in the caves as offerings.

Con or cute? The kids at the caves selling little birds for tourists to release into the wild. It seems that your arse luck will fly away with the bird. Do the birds return to their little owners?

The path up to the second cave.

The Gates into Moria!

The Mekong.