1. The Current Reigning Champion
I call someone on the hand phone. It rings and rings. No reply. No prob, my dear friend is busy popping pimples on their butt. I hang up. A couple of hours later I get this sms -
What do they mean, these people? I find people who say this to me extremely self absorbed with themselves.Can you clowns please get this - IF I CALL YOU MORONS THAT MEANS I NEED TO TALK TO YOU AND NOT TO PLAY SMS PING PONG! I normally answer "no" and then ignore their confused follow-up sms.
I abhor sms-ing unless I'm flirting with some babe and we all know how rarely that shit happens. Can someone tell me why would they ever send me that?Please, these are smart people. I need answers!
2. The Most Fake
You meet some old friend that you know in passing. Polite conversation passes and it's time to exit left. Old buddy says to the space above your head - "Keep in touch" with as much feeling as a kidney stone from a crack head's left nut (ok, ok doesn't make sense but I'm venting so let it be...) before walking away with purpose.
Keep in touch? With what? Your balls? The back of your head? That chirpy disposition? Why don't YOU call me if you want to 'keep in touch"?
3. Really needs a kick up the arse
You're planning a night out. You want to hang out with a few friends in a club. Finally you call Puffy McDoogle.
"Hey, we're going out. C'mon and join la".
"HMMMM.....Who ELSE is coming?"
I've gotten away once with "your mama." But i normally end up saying "just you and me" and see how they take it. This is a friend, mind you, and they are picking and choosing who deserves their company. Fuk 'em...
4. The Story Teller
You get into a conversation and your buddy launches in a news commentary on how they moved the water cooler from it's precarious position near the sink and across the treacherous terrain of the office pantry to its current position near the entrance door.
The monologue goes - "I said to them whatever whatever whatever and They said to me whateverwhatever whatever". Then I laughed and I said to them whatever whateverwhatever and then I said whatever whatver whatever, etc, etc... "
Its a blow by blow of the exact conversation they had and it also revolves around what they did. At the end of the 'story' you're left waiting for a punch line or you'll be laying in a pool of your own blood after stabbing yourself repeatedly with a chicken bone.
5. "On the Way" - A variation
You know your appointment is late so you call them on their mobile.
"Hey what time's your ETA?"
"Ya, ya. On the way boss!"
"No, no, what time do you think you'll get here?"
"Ya, definitely I'll be there!"
I would like to present to the folks featured above, a special gift from the bottom of my heart as a token of piece and harmony: