Monday, April 30, 2007

Changing Fashions

"I know it's the latest model but do you have it in black?"

I can't fit into these new clothes nowadays. Its not like i have the silhouette of a hunch backed hobbit but it just seems that all the clothes that are in stores just don't fit a normal Asian man. I rushed into FOS the other day - T-shirts on Sale! RM19.90, Buy one get another FREE! So I'm rifling through the stack pick some out and get into the changing room - what the??? M size doesn't fit me! Its ok at the shoulders but the arms are too tight and it gently clings on to my cute watermelon gut. These shirts were made for skinny teenagers or Keith Richards!

I try the L and it's almost the same except the shirt hangs just above knees! Now you just know only geeks and doctors tuck in a t-shirt into a pair or jeans or pants so I can't do that. I sigh and return them. I walk into a Nike shop and walk out swiftly as only Rafael Nadal is going to look good in those brightly coloured sveltely looking things. On the opposite end we get the older brands like Crocodile and the other department store brands that haven't bothered to change with the times - you have colours that look like they came out of a catalog for emergency flares and shirts that although fit at the shoulders just hang off you like a garbage sack. I'm no metro sexual but as a petite (5'6") Asian man I just can't get clothes that fit or even shoes that are affordable but don't look like I'm wearing mini space shuttles on my feet.

Short of getting tailored made stuff I guess it's the patience game - The factory outlet stores still occasionally have some stock that are OK but I need to find one brand that i can just go in and buy things that are to my taste and fit at my convenience.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Sexy = Success?

I've been watching the latest Joss Stone video - the girl is all grown up and all sexed up. Slimmed and toned, nude but for only body paint on the album cover and gyrating all over the place like pole dancer. Gone is the barefoot hippie child with the self assured smile and a woman's natural curves. The inside of the album cover says it all when you see the words Love Change painted on her legs that are shod with hot red ComeFukMe stilettos. The music is still Funk, soul and jazz fusion but that's not why I'm ranting.

The girl has lost weight, and sexed up her image where she doesn't stand out for who she is but is just another gyrating, pouting product created by the record industry. Didn't feel she needs to that as her music is good enough on its own.

The biggest getyousexyback makeover was LeAnn Rimes, the adorable young country singer who got all sexy svelte when she started walking the streets of New Orleans in that clingy tight dress.
Again, a good singer who needed a makeover from country to mainstream but did she NEED to go the Cassie, Rihana, Vanessa Hutchence way? I love watching sexy women but good music is hard to find and when an artist gets too much into the image game the music suffers.

And yes, both girls had loads of puppy fat to loose but you don't look that skinny/toned just by depending on biological change.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Bike The World

The Mat Sallehs are going mad just to protest industrial pollution in the world. The Nuts with Hearts are the folks from World Naked Bike Ride, and organisation set up to battle the evils of pollution in the world caused but exhaust emissions from cars. They have yearly events all over the world to promote their message of a healthier and less polluted world by having nude cycling rallies in major cities in the world. Can you imagine if you were somehow reincarnated as one of these nudies bike seat??? : )
You know what, shock value does work as with all the environmental changes going on recently I did forget that automobile emissions are also a cause for global warming and the green house effect. But how many bruised testicles is it going to take to get the world to make a change?

Flower power for a greener future!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Hard Being Metrosexual

Just when the Metro sexual fad is dying off I found that I was running low on my Nivea for Men Face Wash. It was a great marketing gimmick - give out free samples to men at 'live' screenings of EPL matches. I was hooked especially when an old friend asked me whether I was using Nu Skin! So I head on down to the pharmacy and look for my familiar Nivea for Men face wash with some seaweed extract. Then panic sets in when i look at all the tubes there which has everything BUT my sea weed thingy. There's Double Action Face Wash! Deep Cleansing! Sensitive Face and Oil Control chill out together in the corner! Where the flying F is my Sea Weed????? And what's the dif between Deep Cleansing and Double Action? Ok Ok, calm down... i go for the safest Double Action as I think I have seen the same label on a toothpaste. I'm running low on my freebie moisturiser so I look into that section. Sigh.... where do I start? Cooling Gel? Active firming? Extra Soothing Moisturiser? Revitalising Eye relief?Multi-Protecting? Oil Control makes an appearance again. Shouldn't Active Firming Moisturiser be under boob jobs? I go with Multi-Protecting since is sounds like i have a SWAT team on my face. Just glancing around I see the huge range of shaving foam, after shaving foam, body and face scrubs and deodorants. In Seremban you use soap when shaving, not some ozone depleting shit. Damn! I quickly backed away with my 2 purchases and head back to my MAN sanctuary of my toy and comic infested apartment.

Man, this is the best scam around, just push folks as much product with as much variants so the insecure might end up buying more than they need. How do I get in on the action?

But this new Metro Me does understand how women take so long to get ready. When Melissa left for London, the bathroom was filled with all sorts of of bottles promising glowing this and softer that. One day after a long futsal session I was feeling tired, dirty and knew for a fact that my sweaty underwear would be able to kill a water buffalo from 100 meters. I get back and tried out all there was there including my freebie Nivea stuff - Shampoo (hers), wash and apply Conditioner(hers), face wash, wash it off and apply face scrub (mine), some rose scrub for the body(hers) and some regular soap for my sticky feet as it seemed so wrong washing my stinky feet with that lovely smelling thing.. yeah, well whatever..... Anyway it took me almost 40 minutes! My normal Jantan bath is about 10 mins! Well at least I smelt lovely when i settled down to watch wrestling...

Saturday, April 21, 2007

The Accident

Finally all the late nights caught up with me. I fell asleep at the wheel and side swiped a stationary car on the highway at 4am. My fault. Shouldn't have had the last plate of mamak maggi goreng too. I pulled over, gave them my number and went home in a weird state of detachment. All i could remember thinking was I'll deal with it tomorrow...
Here's the main thing - time to make a mistake = 0.05seconds. Time to clean up the mess = potentially a month if you have Kurnia insurance.

The main problem if you don't have a workshop to call especially if its at a godawful hour you're left at the mercy of the vulture tow truck bows who appear within minutes. They will settle everything for you, don't worry boss, they'll even help you with the police reports and stuff. So now everyone - keep on hand a number of a trusted workshop that has a 24 hour tow truck service and make sure they on the panel of your insurance company. Kurnia is supposed to be the worse - they take the longest to settle - up to a month whereas some other insurance companies can do it in a week. Also a lot of workshops don't want the Kurnia business also because they are a pain to work with. Guess what insurance I have?

OK Step by step:
1. Go to cop station and make a report - check first which one - i was on the federal highway and about 200meters from the subang turnoff but it was still PJ station. Your car has to be there so if you can't drive it the workshop will tow it there for you.

2. You make a report and then you will be sent to the investigating officer who will take your statement to establish who was at fault.

3. Then you get the pictures of the vehicle taken by some other cop and NOT the investigating officer(IO).

4. The IO will keep the original copy of the report and you get to buy a copy for RM2. If you're shit out of luck and you make you report at about 4am you might have to go back the next day to buy it.

5. If you're in the wrong they will hit you with a compound which you pay (appeal for reduction from RM300 to RM200).

6. Then your car is taken to workshop for the insurance processing. If you're ok the workshop will claim the other guys insurance. This will be because you will have the other party's details, car number, model etc. Keep your insurance details on hand anyway.

Some Points to note:
1. The CON workshops will use second hand parts on your car without telling you esp if you car is still new.
2, Normally there's a 3 year old rule for new parts that will be covered by insurance. After 4 years what they pay you might only cover second hand parts anyway. So if the workshop is someone trustworthy they will at least get you good conditioned spare parts.
3. Kurnia is the black sheep insurance - bad service and they dick around according to the workshops and also my friends with personal experience. I have yet to find out myself and will update on this blog.
4. They cops were actually very helpful and friendly. Holler Sargent Adon!
5. Nissan Sentra - one hardy mother! My left side from lights to the passenger door looked like it had been mauled by a T-Rex but still managed to drive around PJ to make my report and ALSO drove back to Seremban to send to the recommended workshop!
6. Oh yeah, the Sarge also told me he also doesn't eat much mamak food nowadays as he thinks its not that good for the body.

Holy Old Ladies Batman!

Venus Ramey in 1944

Finally the Americans come up with a beauty queen that could have won a pageant based on pure badass gun slinging. Unfortunately Venus Ramey, Ms. America 19944 probably wasn't toting her snub nosed .38 caliber handgun waaaaay back then! Aunty Ramey showed us that the fire of life still burnt in her when she shot out the tires of a thief at her farm to make sure he didn't get away.
Now it makes you think, forget about university kids getting their hands on weapons in the US, what's an 82 year old broad keeping firepower on her?

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Top 5 Smells

I've got a sensitive nose and sometimes get sneezing fits around most perfumes and air fresheners. I think it would be great to bottle up some of the most natural smells in the world that make us feel warm and fuzzy or relaxed or horny without having to smell like a sweaty supermodel...

My Top 5 suggestions:
1. New Car Smell (holler Bart!) - For men. Packaged to look like a Porche or Ferrari Key chain so you can leave it nonchalantly on the bar in that fancy club to attract the ladiez.

2. Baby or toddler smell - For Women. A smell that makes men want to hold you closely and kiss you gently. Packaged with mace because you don't want just ANY man feeling that way around you.

3. Freshly cut grass on a warm afternoon - Unisex. For those long days at work where you give off the feeling of warm frolics in the sunny outdoors to whomever you meet. Recommend not to use in the company of auditors or doctors as the smell would be something totally alien to them.

4. Freshly cooked thick chicken curry on a cold morning - Only to use after late night clubbing when the alcohol hunger pangs are kicking in. GUARANTEED to pull anyone left standing in the immediate vicinity.

5. The smell of hot coffee stirred by a still burning stick of cinnamon - Unisex. For those romantic first date dinners. He or she will immediately feel comfortable with you unless you have the table manners of an Orc.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Anticipation

No matter how many times I have take a flight there is always that little grain of doubt in my mind that i may have forgotten something on the way to the airport. It could be a small thing like toothpaste or something critical like a presentation document. I've done mental lists before but then I realised that there are only 5 things I need to check off - passport, tickets, local currency, credit card, address of hotel. Throw in business material if its not a holiday. I'm getting bored with flights and I just keep ticking off the diff stages I need to go through before I can haul ass from the cramped seats. Here's an average trip for me on a budget airline:

My flight is 4 hours away and I'm waking up at an unearthly hour. I'm wondering how come I didn’t book a later flight. Oh yeah, that would mean I'd arrive after lunch. Too late for the meeting. Thank goodness I packed last night I think to myself, as I head groggily to the shower.

I always find that my pulse just beats a little faster when I lock the house door on my way out. I'm wondering if I left the iron still on, forgot to close that window, turn on a light or switch off the PC. When I get into the cab I start running thru a mental checklist of the real essentials for my journey. Too late now if I'm short of an under wear or two. Passport? Check. Plane tickets? Check. Foreign currency? Check. Hotel address and contact numbers? Check. I try to grab a snooze and hope fervently to myself the cab driver is not in a chatty mood.

As I pull up to the airport the quiet lull that started the day is broken by the crowds at the terminal. I join the line to check in and hope it moves fast as I need to find a place to sit down for breakfast and catch up on the news.

Relief greets the boarding call. I'm tempted to suddenly bolt for the front of the line but realize that the loud family in the front have first dibs on the good seats. As I settle down when the plane takes off I start thinking about my plans when I land. Will there be a jam on the way to the hotel, will there be time to shop a little before I meet Mr. Dinner Appointment? I start running thru my presentation notes or activity list. In the meantime I hope they don’t take too long to wheel out the food cart. I stayed away from eating a heavy breakfast because a friend told me that there was nothing like eating piping hot nasi lemak at 20,000 feet.

The wheels hit the ground a little hard. My stomach does a little back flip and I hope that the nasi lemak will stay down. While the plane taxis in I hope that the queue at immigration will not take too long and that my baggage will be waiting for me at the baggage carousal when I get there. The gates open as I exit the airport terminal and the sights and sounds of another land greets me in the morning sun. Great, another day, another dollar....

Monsters from the Deep

Well looks like Mother Nature is giving us a grand old warning that we're screwing up the planet faster than we can say "Someone gonna get a hurtin' real bad...". After hundreds of years of whispered awe, the long thought of legend of the deep, the Colossal Squid was finally caught off the coast of New Zealand recently.This undersea monster is larger than a whale and was known to exist because of the battle marks they left on captured whales.

Did these creatures, which never see the surface of the sea, venture upwards from the deep because of changing temperatures in the sea or because massive over fishing in the worlds oceans has left them devoid of food? Lets get sensationalists here and wonder for a while what will they look for when they run out of fish?

Mankind knows so very little of the ocean and yet we're destroying it before we can even bother to venture into it's blue depths. This is probably because most funding in science is now going towards more glamorous fields like space exploration, atom smashing to commercial science and technology like bio-engineering.

A while back they found the worlds oldest species of fish in Alaska . And who knows what else is found by legal or illegal fishermen say in Asia, Latin America, The Arctic and Antarctic, who wouldn't know a protected species to an ancient almost cryptozoological find anyway. If it's got fins and a tail its just a pay day for them.
So let's see, we're changing the planet because we're greedy and the planet is going to start spitting out some interesting playmates to keep us company when we finally screw ourselves out of a home. Lovely. That'll make my next trip to Port Dickson very interesting...

Friday, April 13, 2007

TRUST

TRUST is not a valued commodity in the rat race of the business world. Trust died the day they replaced a handshake with Lawyers. TRUST in this day and age is just another word for "reliable tool". TRUSTING means "easy to fuck around with". What is valued by the higher ups are spin doctors, the smooth talkers, yes men and their like. It has surprised me that, the office politicians CAN survive even in a competitive work place. This is simply because they have consolidated their positions with games, smoke screens and stories spun with forked tongues. The higher-ups just don't have time to micro-manage petty political situations within departments or a small office so they leave it be unless you get a mass walkout, and even then if the game is played well the slithering culprit lives to fight another day.

The old adage of working smart is not that easy especially when the snakes are diverting traffic your way. Crash and burn and it's your fault. Sort out the mess and THEY come up roses. Sometimes you feel you want to smash a face, kick a table, cry in the toilet or just scream out "motherfukingsonavabitchchibaimotherfuker!" But then you just quietly pack up your stuff, call a mate, head out to a bar and get drunk.

TRUST only applies to your mothers. TRUSTING is your pet mongrel at home.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Uncle Kwai Pt 2

"I regret testing him." says Chow Kwai Lam. Such tame words for a dude found guilty of bribing a football player to throw a game with a measly S$200-300. I would be embarrassed for the world to not only judge me wrongly but to also think I'm a cheapskate. We Malaysians are betting RM200 - RM500,000 on football matches. Imagine what the bookies are making. And all they plan to pay the guy to let in a couple of goals is a couple of hundred bucks? It was a case of his word against the other guy so how come Uncle Kwai gets the shaft for an unrealistic bribe? Singapore is one of the countries that international bookies take bets on in South East Asia so I guess the numbers must be decent as non of the big boys are into Indonesia or Thailand where betting is also massive. So is it just using the poor guy to send a message to the underground fellas who are a bit more greedy to back off since the Singapore is going to be known as an international gambling hub soon?

Happy Week Song!

My 4th Top 5 Song, Dexy's Midnight Runner's Come on Eileen. Makes me smile all the time. You gotta love those Eighties videos...

Monday, April 9, 2007

Rumah Ku Restaurant


Thani Kakis this is the place for you if you want good wholesome home cooked grub. Good Chinese, Indian and Malay food done old skool style with Seremban prices in the heart of PJ! And the best part you can bring your own bottles of liquor or wine and there's no charge! Just Do It! They only serve canned beer which is fine by me.


The quaint bungalow sits on Jalan Universiti and it's best to come from St Francis Xavier Church(on your left) and immediately turn left after the traffic lights. Slow down or you might miss it. Not the place for rowdy action but perfect for a quiet date if you're feeling cheap but still want good food in a comfy environment. Also perfect for taking your parents out and also colleagues or homies where you just want to hangout and enjoy the company and food without getting emotionally drunk or have the office Ham Sap Lo jump you on the way to the loo.

Recommended are the Tuna Cutlets, Mutton Porial, XO Mee, Portugese Fish, Green Chicken rendang and the chocolate cake. Also one of the few places that serves brewed coffee for all you Seremban folks. - ALL PICS BY CHINDIANA

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Holy Sharapova!

What do they feed these girls nowadays? Back in the day Chris Evert was considered the babe of the tennis world. Now Sharapova and Hantuchova are good enough be featured in fashion spreads and even swimsuit shoots.

The number of great looking women who actually WIN matches is incredible in the WTA. You've got Daniela Hantuchova, Ana Ivanovic and even the cute Sonia Mirza. What's up with that? Behind the scenes manouvering to get more folks to watch women's tennis? Are these lab created specimens in a secret experiment to create a perfect human form? Or is human evolution taking a turn for the babelicious? I'm with evolution. Just like F1 cars are the prelude to future tech in your everyday sedan maybe with all the drugs, training and whatever an athlete goes through to be in prime physical shape is now shaping the way they look. Maybe they've got some Hot Hoochie pills to go down with the steroids? Anyway I'll watch a women's tennis final anyday...

The balance of the universe is mantained as the foil for Evert, Martina Navratilova has been re-incarnated in the brawling amazonian form of the Williams sisters and Amelie Mauresmo.














Thursday, April 5, 2007

What would your boss do for the company?


VInce McMohan again showed that the over the top world of wrestling deserved over the top sacrifices from the boss. The Chairman of the World Wrestling Entertainment got his hair shaved off by Donald Trump after his representative lost the Battle of the Billionaires with Trump's man. Ok that was part of the Wrestlemania TV broadcast, but to go bald to get higher 'live' TV ratings is a big sacrifice most bosses won't make for the company. Walking on hot coals at a Tony Robbin's seminar doesn't count. If only we'd see some of the higher ups taking one for the team, besides just giving us the rm10 angpow for Chinese New Year and then telling us to make sacrifices for the company.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Star Wars Lego

The perfect cure for the stress at work!

Uncle Kwai

Chow Kwai Lam the former Malaysian and KL football coach was found guilty of bribing his Singaporean team goal keeper with S$200 to lose a match (that's just about enough for a couple of jugs of Heineken and some Hooters Buffalo Wings). He claimed he was testing the 'keeper's integrity. I'm inclined to believe him because anyone knows a regular payoff would run in the $$$thousands to throw a match especially with gambling a gajillion dollar business. Plus some former players who played for him said he was a strict disciplinarian and was VERY anti-bribery in his KL coaching days.

So either Uncle Kwai was a cheap dumbass or he had a lousy lawyer.

Car Workshops

Damn, Mr. Yap's SS17 Subang Jaya service center closed down because business was not good. Seems not fair for such a bunch of nice guys. They were the neighbourhood workshop. Rescuing Melissa when her car brokedown, coming over to Glenmarie to jump start a friend's car because of a dodgy battery AND NOT CHARGING and especially advising the less mechanically inclined Subangites against how to upkeep a car without spending like it's the Great Malaysian Sale. This was a Seremban way of life. So personal....

Which brings me to prices. We all know that the workshops here in PJ rip you off as much as they can. The odds are 3-1 by my reckoning and the prices are extravagant by my kampung standards. A comparison - I had 2 outstanding injuries to my old Iswara. A coconut left an impact wound on my hood and an idiot neighbour reversed into my side. Total repair quote in PJ, knocking and spray painting - RM430. I took it back to Seremban and this aunty does it all for me for RM180! Seremban Boleh y'all!

So please support your friendly neighbourhood nice guys. Mr Yap's USJ branch is still going strong. So any probs or you need servicing just head on down to the Shell Station opposite the MPSJ building in USJ folks!

Monday, April 2, 2007

Venice

Did this for a mag that didn't pay me. I really got to start NOT trusting people. Hey London Runt, this is the article you wanted to see. Thanks for the help!

A MALAYSIAN IN VENICE

There are many expectations when one is travelling to Venice. Images range from old movies with couples on gondolas with the soothing sounds of violins playing in the background or if you’re an unromantic male like me, it’s Indiana Jones frantically manoeuvring his boat around the water ways while being chased by assassins.

One of the first things you notice about Venice is that its not completely the beautiful romantic picture perfect paradise that your girlfriend is hoping will be the place you propose to her.

Most of the buildings are very old and some are not very well maintained and of course there’s the smell from the water. I can’t really describe is but the aroma is loosely like stagnant water.

And those gondolas, there’s nothing romantic about them when you find out the price. A trip for about an hour can set you back around 50 Euros per person (RM223.50). If you must, go for it, but don’t get worked up and complain. Just make sure if you do, you strike a deal with the girl friend or wife so they don’t bug you for a year when you stay out late at the local pub watching EPL action.

But Venice is Venice, the magic sinks in as you walk past the many cosy shops, markets, and restaurants, cross over the seemingly endless number of lovely bridges and also just by chatting with the friendly locals.

One of the cheapest ways to get to Venice is to hop on the Easy Jet from Gatwick Airport near London. A return ticket should cost you around 120 pounds (RM840). Prices of course are dependent on demand.

I stayed at Residenza degli Angeli. It is a cosy bread and breakfast and is among some of the cheapest places to bunk in for Euro 90 (RM402.30) per night for a double room with a shared bathroom. It is nearby the Rialto Bridge in the San Silvestro area. The closest water bus stop is Santa Lucia.

One of the cheapest places to have a meal and an excellent one at that is Silvano’s restaurant which was walking distance from Residenza degli Angeli. The seafood is quite good as expected in Venice. Being lazy we ate most of our meals here as the staff were very friendly and helpful especially since they were also our unofficial tour guides who gave us directions to some of the must see sights in Venice.

This became our modus operandi in Venice, playing the “slightly baffled at the high prices” tourist and getting the locals to recommend the best and cheapest food or transportation.

Meals cost approximately Euro 40(RM134) for a good meal shared between two persons with 2 first dishes. In Italy the first dish is normally pasta, in Malaysia this would be rice and the consequent dishes your main dish, our lauk la. Of course this could be a bit heavy so make sure you are sure to make your requests clear to your waiter if you’re a small eater.

We decided to take in some of the more well know sites in Venice. This was a mixture of architecture and crafts.

One of the most impressive buildings in Venice is the Basilica San Marco, which is also the most famous church in Venice. You can enjoy the beautiful architecture and works of arts inside. However you can’t take any photos inside though. The church is located on St. Marks Square where you will also find very high end designer goods. The prices are as impressive as the architecture surrounding the shops which resulted in some unsatisfied grumbling from me.

Besides its canals and architecture Venice is also know for its Murano Glass and Burano laceworks found on the Islands of Murano and Burano respectively.

Burano Island is about 40 minutes by water bus from Venice and you can enjoy walking around this enchanting island even if you’re not into lace. The key here and even on Murano Island is to take your time and chill out.

Murano Island is the most famous of the Venetian Islands. Its known for its beautiful glass works. You can enjoy and see glass blowing demonstrations at some of the many shops on the island. You can also check out some the best examples of Murano Glass at the Murano Glass Museum.

In terms of costs, it’s of course much, Venice is much more pricy than Malaysia. As in most holidays plan ahead on the basics – where you want to stay and what you want to see. There are enough web sites out there to check but once you get there don’t hold back.

Take your time in Venice, enjoy the boat rides, get on a gondola ride if you can afford it, just walk the streets, pose for photos at the Rialto bridge and wonder about the meaning of the Bridge of Sighs. Enjoy the little parks and greenery and snap as many pictures as you like. Take your time in the cafes and chat with the friendly locals. As they say Venice can change a person.

When you sip that first glass of wine, sit back and take in all that is before you because for a short special moment you’ll feel that you are watching yourself in the opening scene of an old romantic movie.